Kevin Casey White | Harangue (Full Comedy Special)

- Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Casey White - Gang, how we doing up front? We good? - Good. - Good. Whoa, you got a voice. Is that you, man? Whoa. Dude. My eardrum vibrated. Good. Will you say you shall not pass in this mic, for all of us? We all want it. Did you guys hear that? - You shall not pass. - That's Oh. Oh my God. I have never had such a big dick man in the front row. Goddamn. What's your name, bud? - Scott. - Scott. Hell yeah. You can take a pussy name like Scott and make it sound tough

. - Wow. - It's no Kevin, but hey. - Stop. Woo. Emma, did you hear that? I am the bell of the ball tonight. Damn dude. Is this your wife behind you? - It is - You look happy. This is great. I was, you know, I think, do we need the one empty chair right up front behind Peter? Like, can we, I was told this is a sold out show. Goddammit. That's all I've been... While the other comics were up, I've just been staring at one empty chair, just like, ah, I hope whoever it was gotten an accident, you kno

w, something, better be a good reason to not be here. For me. This is my day. It's not always as glamorous. Sometimes Scott, comedy is bad. Believe it or not. There ain't, what, did somebody what? I said sometimes comedy's bad. And I just heard a table of women just murmuring, which means... - Her daughter was um... - You've seen some bad comedy? - We've seen, we've seen some horrible comedy. - Some horrible comedy? - Yes. - Should I get the name? Who was it? We can cut it outta the album, but I

wanna know. - It was in Duluth, Minnesota. - Oh, well, we all know how comedy is in Duluth. Don't get me started on Duluth. Minneapolis, maybe St. Paul, is where it's at. But Duluth, boo. I was just gonna tell you guys about some bad.. You know, I did a... February, 2020, I did maybe the worst show of my life. I did a 3:00 PM show at an old folks home. Thank you so much. My career is going great. Thank you. Thank you so much. It was in Duluth, Minnesota, they were not having it. I did, I did an

afternoon show in a retirement home. And when I got there, the guy that booked me said, Kevin, obviously it's a lot of elderly people. Let's keep it clean. Let's keep it G rated. Right? I thought that was stupid. It doesn't make sense. They're not kids. They're adults. They're like the most adult you can get. Maxed out, level 99 adult, and then game over. Right? Like, what am I gonna say that's gonna offend the greatest generation? You know, they invented anal, so... So when I got there, I was

real with 'em. I went up on stage, I was like, hey, they want me to censor myself, I think you've lived rich full lives, I think you can handle it. Do you like want me to do what I normally do? They grabbed their canes. They were like, yeah. They were like , that's like their version of cheering. And I was like, all right. And there was this little old lady right in the front row and I was like, Hey Gladys, why don't you say the first dirty word of the night? And she was like, I can't, being all

coy. I was like, don't overthink it. Just say the first dirty thing that pops in your head. And she was like, I don't know, pussy holes. Scott, the pussy, the hole. This woman chose violence. Of all the parts of a pussy to yell out right? Pick a labia, minora, majora. Have fun, whatever. The hole? We fucked. It was a good show. It was a good show. What's up? What's up? What's up? Come on. It was a good time. Made some new fans, signed some bedpans afterwards. Who cares if you bomb at an old fol

ks home? You know what I mean? Could we get.. that was so... Good Lord. Yeah. This is gonna be like this all night, isn't it? All right. What is happening upstairs? Because we got chairs here, we can offer 'em, like we got... Have you guys ever seen a grown man's dreams fall apart? This is good. I'm doing my next special in a bowling alley. This is good for... this is good for audio. Kevin, how was the taping in Minneapolis? Well, unfortunately we couldn't get the gun range, so we had to settle

for the second loudest bar. Goddamn. Like I said, it ain't always this glamorous. It's a bad sign when you consider this the time. And that's right. They say you do the comedy corner underground twice. Once on the way up. And once on the way down baby. I'm gonna kill myself. I did a show in Asheville, North Carolina. - Woo. - Yeah. Were you at this one? It was not going well. They were not digging me. And this couple in the front row stood up halfway through my set and the guy goes, "We're gonna

go fuck now", and walked out. Scott, what do you do for a living? - Compliance. - Compliance. I'll comply to you any day, baby. You ever done so bad at compliancing? What the fuck is that? - Gotta make sure everyone follows the laws. - Oh, following the law. Are you a cop? - No. For a financial company. - Sounds lame. But have you ever been so bad at your job you made somebody horny? Did you know that that was a metric of failure? The Duluth table's having fun. Is this better than Duluth Minne-

Snow-ta? - That's so funny. Do you have a friend coming? We gotta lose that chair, right? I'm sorry, I just gotta, here, just put your foot up. I don't care. I can't look at that anymore. You good? All right, cool. I'm gonna address how I look, by the way. I'll get this out of the way. Hi. I know I look like the kind of guy that thinks Joe Rogan is smart. I don't. You nodding? Yeah, a little bit. I know. I know. I get the gist. I know why he's popular. 'cause he gets high and people are like, oh

, he's smart. No, he's baked. That's all it is. I think the only reason Joe Rogan is popular is because people miss having a drug dealer's house to go to. That's it. Now it's all dispensaries and stuff. Where's the human connection? Don't you miss going to a dude's house and listening to him ramble on about fractals for four hours? There's always some dude that stops me. Well, you should listen to it. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. That's why books have covers. That's the whole point o

f a cover. So I can walk into a store and be like, what is this? Fuck your way to success or whatever. You're like, you know, nobody's going into a bookstore just like grabbing random. We'll see, we'll see what happens when I take it home. Whatever. We'll check it out. Get home, crack it open, Mein Kampf. Whoops. It's gonna be a weird book club this week. That's, woo. The gals are gonna be furious. You gotta judge books by their cover. It's how you get through life. I do it. I do it all the time

. I'll tell you a story. I was going into a place and as I was walking in, I saw this guy behind me. He was like a billion years old, okay? He was really like, you ever see somebody so old they look like haunted? You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? You can like hear their bones, right? He was on a cane, okay? And now he's walking in. He is about as far as I am to to you Miss. Right? And he was moving so slow that a thought popped in my head. Okay? I was like, all right, hold the do

or. And I was like, come on, come on, come on. Man Kev, I hope you're not holding the door open for some old racist. That would be bad, right? There's like a good chance. This dude is like, thought the N word today. Definitely yelled it out of a bus window in his lifetime, you know? And then I was like, Kev, you don't know this guy. Don't judge a book by its cover. All right? You don't know, there's progressives at any point in history no matter how old he is, you know? And then he got to me. Th

is is true, he got to me and he paused and he goes, I don't need you holding the door open for me. I'm no woman. Sexist, close. Yeah. And I kicked his cane out from under him. I was like, you fight like a girl, you know? Yeah. I beat up an old man for this joke. 'cause like, you wanna do nice things, right? You wanna be a good person, but you wanna do nice things for nice people. You don't do nice things for shitty people. You don't like be the guy that helped the Oklahoma City Bomber parallel p

ark that truck. You don't wanna be that dude. Somebody was there like, back it up bud. Yep, there you go. Right here in front of the federal building, right? And this time of day, that's crazy. Great spot. Good job. Oklahoma City Bomber. That's what they call me every time I perform in that trash town. Fuck 'em. Haven't they suffered enough? They say as I get off the plane. You ever been to Oklahoma City? - I have. - Yeah. Did you have fun? - No I didn't. - Yeah, it sucks, right? It's the Duluth

of the... You a smart guy, Scott? - I would hope so - Everything you say sounds confident. - Smartass. - Yeah? Smartass. Yeah. But you know, he lays that pipe, so we keep him around. We ain't mad. - Four kids. - Made four kids? Fuck. That you know of. I don't know if I'm smart. I don't think I'm dumb. I just ask like a lot of dumb questions. Do you ever do this? Whenever I have like a dumb thing I need to Google, I do it in incognito mode. Anybody else? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah right? It's embarrassing

. I'm so glad you feel me on that. Like, I'm so afraid I'm gonna like hand my phone to my friend, they're gonna type in the letter D and like, do plants have feelings?, is gonna pop up. I don't wanna explain myself you know. That's a real thing I Googled, Do plants have feelings? I also Googled, Do dogs think in barks? We don't know. And am I autistic? That is a thing that I googled. I got too high at a party. I was in the corner, afraid. I wasn't making eye contact with anybody. And I was like,

nobody would tell me. I wouldn't, there's no way to know. We gotta figure this out. I gotta take a test. And the answer to that question, is behind a paywall. So we don't know. We dunno. TikTok has been recommending a lot of videos where a hydraulic press smashes stuff. That's not a good sign. Do you need a sec? Can we get some oxygen to the Duluth table? Why do only humans have to brush their teeth? That's one I started looking up. I was with a group of friends. I said it out loud. I was like,

why do only humans brush, no other animal brushes their teeth? You know, they don't get cavities. I'm gonna look it up. My friend, she's much smarter than me. She stopped me. She said, Kevin, put your phone down. It's obvious. What do only humans eat that no other animal eats? And I was like, oh, of course. Ass. She was like, sugars, Kevin. Processed sugars is the answer. High fructose corn syrup. And I was like, yeah, but also ass. I'm not wrong. I'm not wrong. No, other animals doing that. Do

n't tell me dogs. It's your own ass. It's fine. But someone else's, you don't ever see that in the wild. You've never been watch an animal planet and seen a dolphin be like, come on babe, it's my birthday. You know? How long have you been married? - 20 some years. - 20 some. Why? Keep counting. - You're right - Fuck it. You're doing by decades now. That's great. You're sitting by yourself. Arms crossed. Oh, you're booed up too. You got two girlfriends. That's cool. Two behind you. Is anybody her

e not in a couple? This sucks. Where's everyone? Couple, you're single? - I'm responsible for the empty chair. - Oh my. - Sorry about that. - I'll sit by you. Whatever. You know, just... This guy fucking sucks. Say something funny. Scott, get up there. Do five for me will you? What happened? Your date didn't. What happened? I'm sorry I said I hope they get in a car accident, by the way. - He said his roommate has covid. - Can we call him? - Bullshit! - You wanna get him on the horn? I wanna see,

how long have you guys been dating? - I've never met him. - You've never met him? How'd you meet him? - Hinge. - Do you have his profile available for us to look at? Do you think you'll eventually go on a date with this guy? - How long ago did he tell you this Covid thing? - Three hours. - Three hours ago. - Loser. - And for those of you watching at home, this is a four hour show. Andrew, let's have a look. Okay. Can we just get a shot of it? - You're better off - This dude, how old is he? He's

25. This dude has a dirt lip. Like a legit, I don't think, did you card, is this guy of age? Oh my God. Okay, hold on a second. Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay. I don't know if you, are you fine? You're fine with this, right? This guy sucks. All right. All right. Some of us, we might need to squint. Can we see this guy right here? Looks like kind of a fuck boy, right? Kind of a fuck boy? This is for the women in the back. I'm gonna give you one guess as to what his hometown is. - Duluth. - He's fr

om fucking Duluth. You can't, be fucking with Duluth boys. Every mama tells her daughter don't hook up with a boy from Duluth. God. Are you kidding me? Oh, I hate it. - What are his prompts? - Nothing that, just typical Duluth shit. Did you know you can call, like do a face, like a video call? Yeah, you can do like a FaceTime on these. Yeah. - Gotta sign a release. - All right. I'm gonna text him. - Do you have his actual number? - Oh yeah. You do have his number? - I do. - That's more effective

. - It's Andrew new, because my ex is actually named Andrew. - Two Andrews? - It's on airplane mode. - No, I took it off. What's your name again? - Bella. - Bella. Great name. - Thank you. - Should I put a fun filter on my face while we wait? - Alright. I'm just gonna text him, coward. What is that? What did I text? - I can't even see it. - Coward. Coward. That's what you gotta know. I'm doing it. Ah. Oh, is it you or him that does improv? - Neither of us. - You guys are talking about doing impr

ov. Whose idea was that? - His. - Yeah. I think we all knew that. All you wanted was a yes and and he gave you a no but and for that I'm sorry. If he calls back, let me know. All right. I owe you a drink and I owe Bella a drink. If a server comes around, let him know. Well, I got dumped. Let's talk. It was her. Let's talk about it. I told you February, 2020 I did that old folks home show. March, 2020. I got, yeah, it was a fun time for all of us. Yeah. March, 2020, I got dumped. And a week later

in New York, we went in a full lockdown. Yeah, it's like the universe was like, Kevin, go to your room. It was a long-winded breakup too. It was one of those, like, terrible like, on again, off again. We're back on. We're back off. Can I go get my T-shirt? We're dating again. What's going on? You're just like stuck in relationship limbo. It's like, not even up to you, it's just, it's so aggravating. You're just trapped. It's like turning off a ceiling fan. You know? You're just like stuck stand

ing there. Just like click. Click. Click. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. I think it's over. I'm just gonna delete her number. Delete her off of Instagram. Who the fuck is this guy? You know what I mean? It sucks. I did it. Deleted her off of everything. Facebook, LinkedIn. That's right. Deleted her off of LinkedIn, because I might be a bad boyfriend, but I'm a hell of a reference. Okay. She doesn't deserve me. Yeah, no, sh

e's got great organizational skills. She's a true leader. And oh God, she just lights up a room. No, no more. Dating again. Dating's weird right now as a dude. It's a weird time right now. All my girl friends online unanimously are all like, we don't need men anymore. We're done with 'em. Just vehemently. We're done with men. It's like, I just got back. Whoa. Damn. We don't need men. That sucks. Ugh. I hope you need men. I need men. You think I know how to change oil? I need a man around. I don'

t know how to do anything. I hear what you're saying. Like when you say that, I'm not disagreeing with you. I just think there's a little nuance. You know, like, I don't think it's like, it's not like you don't need men. You just don't need, like, Kevin's, you just don't need me. Like you don't, I'm just taking up space. You don't, you don't need like, Bella. Okay. Like if you woke up tomorrow and all the Kevins of the world were gone, you'd be fine, right? - Yes, but Andrews. - Yes. Andrews and

Kevin's could both go like 110%. Exactly. Everybody from Duluth, and every 30-year-old with a skateboard can be gone. You'll survive. I'm gonna take a big swing on how some of us vote in this room. If you disagree, I don't really care. I'm making a point. All right, here we go. It's like, it's not like you don't need men, okay? But sadly, the men we need are the men we hate, right? Like, if your toilet breaks, you don't want me showing up. I'm useless. You want a dude that was arrested storming

the capitol. All right. It's true. That dude knows how to fix a tur-let. It's true. I don't know. I don't know what it is about thinking therapy is gay that makes you good with a wrench, but that side has it covered. There's a political divide in this country and only one half knows how to operate a forklift. It ain't my side. It's true. I'm sorry. All right. And as a liberal cook, I gotta say sequels are never as good as the original. If we have another civil war, my side is dead. I'm screwed.

I am so screwed. All right. If Mercury goes into retrograde, I'm dead. All right. Like I live in Brooklyn, New York. That means all my friends, there's a good chance will just be like, oh yeah, I didn't go to war today. I was in a K hole. Shut up. Learn how to use a crossbow or some artisanal weapon like that. Or start getting along with your uncle again, because I know when I'm outgunned, we gotta get along. Okay? This is a message of peace. I try to work on my confidence again. You know, I lo

ve doing this. I love getting to do this one-on-one life, like daily day-to-say stuff I can get a little shy. I think we all can. When I need a little pick me up. I always think about this kid I went to school with, maybe the most confident person I've ever met in my life. His name is Josh. Josh's last name was spelled W-E-I-N-E-R. Yeah. But he owned it. First day of school teacher was doing roll call. She got to Josh's name, she paused. She goes, is Josh... whiner here? He stood up. It's pronou

nced wiener. Nice. I want that. I want that confidence. He kind of jumped the shark though. Eighth grade. We all knew him at this point. Same song and dance, first day of school, eighth grade teacher's doing roll calls. She gets to Josh. She goes, is Josh Weiner here? He stood up. It's pronounced Dick. All right. Too much, too confident. No one man should have all that power. I'm not getting more confident as I get older. I'll show you why. Hi. Hello. My name's Kevin. This is how I look and this

is what I'm, thank you so much. Oh, look at it. Look at the man with a bald spot. Oh, I'm a person damnit. Ugh. I came to this club last year. This is true. A woman was sitting right where you were and I showed her this and I heard her go, Ugh. What the hell? I was like, yeah, it is sad. Thank you Miss. I have lived with this. I have to see it in the mirror every day. Thank you. Oh, it's so rude of her. I had to be like, are you, what? What? And she was like, sorry, I just, my son's gonna be ba

ld. Okay? He's gonna live a normal life till he's 23. Leave him alone. What are you talking about? She came up to me after the show and was like, sorry about that. It's just that, you know, like it's, you know, my husband's bald, my dad was bald, my grandpa was bald. And I was like, are you I have a black friending at me with bald? Leave me alone. Yeah. I'm not thrilled about all that. There's some bald kings here. Oh my God. There's like a couple of, come here. - It's all good. Its all good. -

Come on, come on. Just loud and proud. Owning it. You got a hat on? Let me see it. You got one? Lemme see it. Yes. I've never had so many bald people up front before. This feels good. Boys, tonight we ride. This is great. Ah, this is gonna be bumping. I think I'll be okay. Okay. All right, cool. Because I was in denial about this for a long time, right? I went through that breakup and then you, you and you knows what this feels like. Everybody else plug your ears. I guess nobody knows what it's

like to like be newly bald. You go to the beach all day with your friends, you're just hanging out. And then the next day you have a sunburn, three inches in diameter right at the top of your head. Like God's following you around with a magnifying glass. Just right up top. This one little focal point. I had to get a yamaka just to go to the beach. It sucks. You think wearing a shirt in a pool is embarrassing? How about a hat? Nobody likes that guy. It's a bad look when you're newly single and yo

ur only hair product is sunscreen. Alright? And I'm bummed 'cause I can't ever have a cool haircut ever again. Like when I was a kid, like when I was young, I used to listen to a lot of punk rock. Like a lot of like heavy, hardcore like, fuck you dad, get outta my room. You know what I mean? Like the heavy stuff. And I like girls and I'm scared of them, you know? That was my jam. And I just thought the coolest haircut somebody could have would be a Mohawk. I can't do that now. I can't have a moh

awk that starts here, ends here, starts again here, goes down. Oh, is that guy going in the pit? Yeah. And I'm gonna be winded. What about it? Leave me alone. It's business in the front. Disappointment in the back. It sucks. Dash dot dash, SOS. 'cause I'm saving on shampoos, Scott. Okay. I chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of wearing a hat indoors? I just wanna say thank you so much for coming out. This is an absolute dream. You guys are the best. Did we ever hear from Andrew? Did he

respond to coward? - Oh he's FaceTime calling. - Oh, let's go. Hey Andrew, where are you bud? - I'm in Mankato, Minnesota. - Why are you a Mankato and not here at the lovely comedy corner underground with all these fine folks. And more importantly, Bella. - That's on me. - You know, there was one empty chair up front. That's all I could look at all night because of you. You didn't just ruin Bella's night, you ruined my night. - I love you all. I wish you all well. I don't know. - Yeah. - Hey, y

ou know, you wanna be a good sport and pick up Bella's tab for the night? I'm sure she has Venmo or... - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah? Hey guys. Who wants to drink on Andrew? - Bottom shelf. - Bottom shelf. All right, all right, all right. All right, I guess I'll let you go. I gotta let these people go home at some point. - I love you. - You love me? - Fuck Andrew. - Dude, if you want a second chance at Bella, you gotta swing for the fences. What's your favorite type of food? - Sushi. - You gotta ta

ke her out to Sushi. - Billies. - Okay, let her speak for herself. - Wait, can I just, can I just say one story real quick? - Andrew, you have the floor. - I just wanna say, when I was invited to this, I was afraid that you would do crowd work. - This is kill myself level anxiety. Holy shit. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. You said you were afraid I would do crowd work. And what? - So getting a FaceTime from the fucking comedian is... - Guess what, Andrew? You can't escape me, man. Y

ou can't, dude. - Really tough. - Oh, I'm in your head. - You really are. This is not, this is not fun. - It's pretty fun We having fun? It's pretty fun. Oh, by the way, can I get permission to use you in my special? - Yeah, you can. Please. - Can you say your first and last name and that we have permission to use your name and likeness in the special? - I don't wanna do that. - Andrew. This is so cool, man. This moment is, man, come on. Come on. - We love you. - I don't care. - Nobody cares abo

ut your hair dude. This is my life's work. - What did I say about my hair, I said I don't care. - Oh, you don't care? Yeah. Say your, say it. - So yeah, just first name, last name. You can use my name and likeness in this special. - Alright. My name is Andrew I'm looking forward to these people killing me. You can use my likeness in the special. - Yeah. - Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew - She just met him. - Beautiful. Fuck man. I really wanted to let him have it, and then we needed his permissio

n, and so... Bella, my hands are tied. You seem like a sweet girl. But also daddy's gotta eat, so... I almost died, three times. 'cause my career is fucking going great. Cut.