[Music] NEWS RADIO VOICE: and in other local Midtown news after the strange uptake and sightings of a purple werewolf and the mysterious H.B.I trucks going around town. we here at news channel 95 personally reached out to the owner of this mysterious H.B.I cooperation. To get a statement on these matters The CEO Mr. Gabriel had this to say quote ! GABRIEL: Dude we're totally not here investigating a demonic related murderer or that purple-haired dog girl. we he at H.B.I are uh... *coughs* We're
like Herbal botanist investigators. we're totally not the Heavenly Bureau of Investigation End Quote! *TV NOISES* VICTORIA: *SNORES* Dude! chill the f*ck out! your ass ain't on fire! LUCIFER: Hello~ *UNAMMUSED GROWL* MR. MITTENS: mother there's a horny man touching me and I don't know if I like it! Well that doesn't mean make him stop. W-who...who are you? Oh goodness. Where are my manners? the name's Lucifer MorningStar Overlord of hell and
Lord of Darkness A pleasure to meet you miss ven! oh.
. oh shit MARK: all right best buddy it's now or never!!! Heather gets off in 30 minutes then she's off for the weekend which means she's going to be in a good mood and hopefully willing to talk to me!! CHARLIE: It's kinda weird that you know that considering you said you never talked to her before you know that right? Maxine says it's creepy but cute yeah well I wouldn't exactly brag about compliments from her she wears a stupid looking lucky Rock dyes her hairneon purple and constantly smells
like a wet dog first of all! the purple looks great on her second I think a rock is very cute *sighs* you would think a f*cking rock's cute.. and third! she is is technically a
dog! what wait shoot I wasn't supposed to tell you that. that forgot I told you that!!! don't worry I already don't care let's just get this over with *sighs* what?? I'm too scared to do it FAKE HEATHER: don't you want to go say hi to Heather and finally get to know her. no not especially when you look like THAT. *groans
* I swear to god if it's not one
thing it's a f*cking another with you. Ah retinas!! Best buddy? Where'd you go best buddy? Best buddy?! Best buddy number 1? I'm inside you so I can use your body. *gasp* my mother warned me about this!! what the hell are you doing?! AAAAHH! Help he's inside me!!! Mark what the f*ck are you doing? I need an adult! SHUT THE F*CK UP! I NEED AND ADULT!! I am an adult. you are an adult. we're both adults!!! Now shut up and stop freaking screaming!!! I can't why? too
scared!!! oh God damnit!! w-wait what are you doing? getting you to talk to Heather. but I don't want to talk to Heather BuT I DoN'T WaNt ToO!! i don't care if you don't want to your opinion doesn't matter anymore!! what's since when? Gee I don't know... maybe since you started screaming like a total and complete idiot!!!! a booth for one please. WAITRESS JUNIPER: Right this way sir. I have a demon inside me thank you so much no problem hun. your waiter will be right with you *Mark's phone vibe
rates* wow talk about photos taking seconds before disaster. yeaaaaah she does not like selfies being taken with her. Hey roomie! what's up? VICTORIA: Hey is Charlie with you? yep he's inside me! I'm sorry I'm sorry he's what?!?! oh my God it's finally happened. he means I'm possessing his body. oh thank God. Well speaking of being inside someone your boss is here to see you I'm sorry who? Lucifer. you know? Big guy. two horns. fine jaw line... nicer ass... okay first of all gross! and second ho
ld on.. HEATHER: Thanks for coming in today. My name is Heather I'll be your waiter what can I get you to drink to start with? I'll have a black coffee with a plate of eggs Sunny side up annnd BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS!!! I MEAN! A couple strips of bacon. th-that's what I mean yeah all righty I'll put your order in and get that coffee for you in just a jiffy Mark *gasp* she knows my name!!! yeah you're in the same class idiot. she's going to know your name fruit loop! but she said it to me like she ca
red VICTORIA ON PHONE: hello? well yeah because she's being paid to act like she cares. guys??? it still counts as caring. it really shouldn't. will you both shut the f*ck up and pay attention for one second?!?! whoa! do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh ha ha very funny. look Lucifer says he wants to talk
to you. so March your bony little ass back here alright? tell him I'm busy. Charlie says he's
busy. LUCIFER: tell him I know he's not he says he knows you're not. tell him he's a [ __
] I'll have to
talk to him later. he says he's sorry he'll have to get back to you later. oh my God you trying to brown nose the devil so you can sleep with him? N-no. oh God you are! you know he's a literal devil right? he's evil incarnate!!! so? I could change him yeah good luck with that sister God's been barking up that tree for years. well maybe they're open to.. no!!!! F8cking Jesus Christ on a bike
no! you are not f*cking the devil. the only one who f*cks the devil is life and my dad.
Hmmm Not if i can help it. no no no- here you go mark!! thank you so much. NO!!! just tell him I'm busy and I'll come
see him shortly. *sighs* Charlie said he's very busy but he'll come see you shortly if that's okay? yes that's fine dear. just tell him I'll come to him holy crap! what is it what happened? uh he's gone... what do you mean he's gone? disappeared. he said he was coming to- LUCIFER: you Jesus!! Ha! no. not quite I'm afraid. funny hello Charlie. hello Mark Hi satan-[Laughter] just
a sec. okay I'm going to need you
to do me a solid and not say- Hello sir thanks for coming in today. My name is Heather I'll- I'm so sorry dear I don't have much time to waste here. But I'll take a nice cup of coffee if that's all right certainly anything else? no thank you. I'll get that coffee for you in just a second sir. Awww I can see what Mark sees in her. she seems like such an angel no um where was I?? you had something you wanted
to tell me? is it that he shouldn't be putting himself
in my body without without my consent?!? just a sec what are you doing I just told you not to say a word! I didn't say a word I said is it that he shouldn't be putting himself inside me because I didn't give him shut up shut up SHUT UP! when I say don't say a word it means don't talk at all okay? Mark? Is he okay? ha! yes he's just arguing
with his inner demons. Mark! what!!! you said not to say anything at all so I didn't say anything at all! all oh for f*cks sake. I swear to God I'm going to
kill him one day. so what do you want? say do you remember our dear cousin Dan? was that the likes to getting comfortably close to talk to you
guy? or the guy who brings those small sandwiches for family reunions guy? the small sandwich guy. yeah what about him? he had a little bit of an accident. He got a polaroid picture of some guy's dick? *uncomfortable noises* Wrong picture. Why do you even have a Polaroid picture of that? don't worry about it you didn't see anything. it's kind of hard no
t to see that it's kind of been burned into my mind. nothing else is that big red and hairy except that gossamer guy from Looney Tunes. uh who? the big red guy on Looney Tunes. you mean the chicken? no I don't mean the chicken if-if
I meant the chicken I would have said fog horn f*cking leghorn! who's speaking is not even f*cking
red. I mean he's got that little red thing on top that doesn't count! ah it kind of does though well you're kind of pissing me off!! *chuckles* now now there's nno n
eed to get all up aty Charles. there's also no need to show me a Polaroid pic of your little red goat d*ck. But! that didn't seem to stop you. *gasp* you know it's this kind of negativity that made that lovely Beautiful Beast of a woman cthulu leave you. Don't you start. oh wait I'm forgetting she named herself something else after a while didn't she? oh something to be more like a Charming little charles? Now what was it again? Chelsea. Katie! ah no ha no Oh! yes Catherine that's it Catherine.
ohhhh *laughs* I remember we all used to call you two charlthrin for short. *chuckles* it well it didn't sound good nickname wise. but oh you two were just so cute and Inseparable. well until you started fighting and she dumped your ass of course. hey she didn't dump me I-I dumped
her!! it was a mutual dumping okay? right of course *Sighs* just show me what you f*cking wanted to show me. oh shit is that dan? yep. is he uh? dead? yes. he went missing a couple weeks ago. no one knew where where t
he hell he could be. and then just a few days ago he was found dead in the middle
of a forest not too far from here. Do they have any idea who did this? well that's actually what I came to talk to you about. you see the H.B.I claim they have a suspect in mind. but they won't say who it is. however word Around The Nine Circles is they uh... they think it was well... nooo. Charles. you got to be sh*ting me! what the f*ck did I do?!? charles please. just calm down- why do they always blame
me whe
n sh*t goes south huh? it's because I'm death isn't it? it's because I have to be the one
who kills people and ruins the fun. oh stop the Fun Train Charlie's here!! now people going to die probably that's why!!1 that's always been why.. *sighs* if you're quite done... I didn't come here to start
a fight Charles. I want to help you. oh yeah and how's that? okay. look the way I see it there's
two things you can do. one you can find a way to get your deal with Mark over with ASAP and get back to
hell. or!! do everything you can to lay low look peaceful happy and not act like
a total piece of sh*t. and do you think that'll work? possibly but just keep in mind they have eyes and ears everywhere. not only that but if they do in fact think it's you weeeeell they'll be watching you for any little slip ups or little mistakes you make. oh like showing people my picture of my little gross goat scrowt? jokes and family drama aside if something happens and you need help call me. I know this may
sound like I'm being paranoid or over dramatic. but I think
what happened to Dan... isn't just a one-off thing Charlie. I think there is somethingworse coming and I don't think we're ready for it. well that was pretty fudging ominous WRATH: so I guess the runt was right huh? THE FATHER: so it would seem.. GREED: *Giggles* I'm shocked as sh*t too! I was betting that mangy mutt was wrong. we'll have to mark this on the calendar! you want me to go fetch him for you boss man? so we can see if he c
an he can help us find the- as amusing as it would be to see you attempt such a feat. that won't be necessary *Giggles* Dad think you're f*cking weak Wolfie! what about Max? I mean uh... Envy she seems to be getting kind of close to that dim wit in the blue coat. whomever your sister is infatuated with is of no concern to me mutt! so long as it does not bring a delay to our search if she gets attached to this.. *GROWLS* PARASITE! despite our plan for this world. that's no fault but her own. *Sad
Hellhound Noises*
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