"Making Love to George Washington"- Kristen Schaal

from New York City Comedy Central presents Christen [Applause] [Music] Shaw oh boy thank you so much for coming tonight I'm so excited this is going to be a real treat everything has to be perfect um cuz it's my special and I think uh it started off well I mean the weather was beautiful already so we have that um I think if you live in a city as gorgeous and fun as New York and and the weather is as perfect as it was today it's impossible to have a bad day this morning I I woke up from this real

sexy sex sex dream whoops yeah sex stream um where I was uh making love to George Washington or rather he was making love to me and I was just keeping real still like it's done um and things are going better than I could have ever dreamed of which is ironic um when halfway through out of nowhere my vagina just turns into this avocado pit and George Washington was like what the is that and I was like oh I don't know I'm sorry oh God wanted to die thank God I woke up cuz I don't know how I would

have gotten out of that mess ladies and gentlemen I am so excited to introduce a special guest on the show tonight um I'm so surprised that he agreed to do it I've been working with him um since the early 70s off and on but anyways uh Kurt could you bring him out please thank you Kurt um thank you Kurt is um Kurt's my comedy partner and um we both wanted to do the special but because I'm more famous they said just I could have a special and and kurk could um I do the props yeah so doing them pre

tty good doing pretty good big break for you big break all right okay um ladies and gentlemen um please put your hands together for my winging singing dancing [Applause] [Music] [Applause] bird hey oh no oh excuse me hello hi no yeah I got the note yeah well you got to go south you got to go south so I'm doing it now not so good okay well do you think you can make it for the last hello Kurt Kurt what's up what's up the bird is gone oh jeez that dude's unreliable I don't know what I'm going to do

cuz I the rest of my set was all with the bird I was going to be singing and dancing and gymnastics I know what you can do you can do the best one woman show I've ever seen and you're too afraid to perform Kurt I uh first of all this is a comedy show and that is an intense gripping drama so Kristen the world deserves your drama now give drama to the world ladies and gentlemen this is um a onew woman show that I have been working on for the last five years um about a woman that has shaken histor

y to the core and that woman of course is an bin and I am so excited to present to you the First Act of my show an bin on fire um but um before I do that before I break into an because once I become her there's there's no coming back um all the layers uh I just want to dedicate uh this performance to someone who has stood by my side through all of it and he's been my drama turg um and my boyfriend and um it happens to be his birthday tonight and um I know he's gonna hate me but what better way t

o celebrate than in front of everybody Scotty could you come on stage real quick just for a quick birthday and then that's it come on come [Applause] on [Applause] wait um uh before you sit back down um I have one other birthday surprise uh we have been dating for a long time now and every day that I'm with you is like the happiest day of my life and I cannot imagine spending a single day without you just the thought of it makes me suicidal and um I've been racking my head trying to think oh wha

t can I get Scotty for his birthday that he doesn't already have he has everything and then I'm like oh there's one thing that you don't have and that is um to ask you if you would marry me no have a good [Applause] show uh as was being serious hey we got to keep doing the show [Applause] [Applause] all right um uh ladies and gentlemen an buin on fire hello my name is Anin and this is my [Music] story [Applause] oh hello welcome to my castle it's a beautiful day in London is it not oh but what's

that I see on the horizon why it looks like a cloud with the ominous threat of a storm oh wait a minute that's not a clout at all why that's King iny the eth [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] W thank you King inie they're beautiful but don't these belong to your wife Catherine of Aragon on what what do you mean divorce her that's not allowed oh well I guess you are the king you certainly are is it because you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend is that way [Applause] [Music] no [Mus

ic] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] wo is it because you had a gay scare is that why cuz we're all you made me gay well this is oh excuse me hello oh hey oh great yeah no it's the best show I've ever done yeah yeah killing yeah what oh that's awesome okay will um that was uh my bird uh he has a lot of pull in Hollywood and um apparently he uh got me an audition for Law and Order SVU I know I know um it's a it's a wonderful part it's the part of the chubby grosser and um if I book it it is going to

change everything for [Music] me it's a really good part uh it takes place in this 24-hour grocery store where my character the chubby grosser works and in it detective Benson and Detective Stabler are coming in to question me after recently discovering the mangled corpse of my best friend Jennifer who's been severely murdered and raped SVU um by our by our teacher Mr gains um I mean by a suspect in the show all right oh and thanks there's a prop in it too there's a cake [Music] oh hello detect

ives welcome to the store is there something I can help you find no well I hope you don't mind if I help myself to something it is my birthday after all thank you sweet 16 yeah I hope it's better than 15 those were some rough times ooh chocolate my favorite it's a little melty where was I this morning um well I was helping my best friend Jennifer studied for our exam for Mr gain's class why she what dead no no no she can't be she was my only friend that's why I was working at this all a store do

or so we can get out of this crap town no we were not lesbians we were much more than that we were best beans bum bum ladies and Gent gentlemen uh before I uh get off the stage which is going to be very hard for me to do cuz this is the only time I ever really feel alive um that um a couple weeks ago on my hand hurry hurry um a couple weeks ago a good friend of ours um disappeared and he hasn't bothered to make contact with any of us and we're really worried he's been very depressed have you hea

rd anything yet nothing yet I'll keep watching the phone okay um and so um if you see him if you're out and about wherever you are and you happen to spot him he's pretty easy to pick out in a crowd uh he's very small he's about 2 in um he's green his name is clar parents he's a caterpillar not that that matters um and I have a picture of him too just so you don't give me the wrong caterpillar I'm so mad [Music] um what's this this weird clarence's Journal keep out maybe this will shed some light

on where he went um June 24th I'm a caterpillar someday I'll be a butterfly yeah that's the LIE they've been feeding me my whole life June 30th ate too many leaves today feel fat Greta came over to show off her new Wings they were beautiful what a [ __ ] so in love with her that's not good July 2nd dreamt all night of flying woke up excited looked in the mirror still a caterpillar July 24th couldn't go outside couldn't stand to be mocked by gret and her new friends with all their goddamn pretty

colors sometimes I think I just want to take a knife to my ugly caterpillar throat and end it oh my God God Clarance Leaf dead dead leaves die die dead have no idea where this is going dead die too sad to write perhaps it's time I took my transformation into my own hands oh my God no no CL why why well I found them so you don't bother looking Clarence is with me now George Washington Ahoy Freedom will call us by our first names what that's a George Washington quote I don't remember it's a priva

te quote Kristen we have some unfinished business The Specialist that [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] has and in give me your hand look in my eyes I need you and I realiz that [Music] we thank you so much that's my job [Music] [Music] he [Music] he