(dramatic music) (whirring) (low rumble) (explosive noise) (explosive noise) (booming) Come forth, my servant. How may I help you? My queen. Where is Commander Virago? I'd like to speak with her immediately. I'm sure she is close by my queen. Bring her forth at once. Yes, my queen (whirring) (boom) (boom) My queen. You wanted to see me? Indeed. As you're well aware,
we are under attack and further dullness is becoming more restless by the day. It seems so. But my forces are preventing them
from
taking the castle I believe we can make a final stand
and win this fight. Look around you, Commander. Your army has given an incredible fight,
but we are outnumbered. Out planned even. We
cannot conceed right now. We will win. I have a ton of forces on standby
that haven't been deployed yet. Why I know this to be true, Commander. We may win this fight,
but we will lose this war. We cannot give up, my queen. Look around. You, Commander. There's death all around us. We are doomed to die here. What
would you like for me to do? There's a planet far from here. As far as I've indicated
that the resources invaluable (ding, ding) he surely will not find you. You will go there. I cannot leave you. Not now. You'll die here. Once you take this box,
its contents are of deep importance. I want to take it with you. Take care of it. And you will keep it hidden. Is this the box? Yes, it is. You must understand your responsibility on this journey. You must keep this plot safe. I do understand but how a
m I supposed. If this box was to fall into the universe
hands, our people would have died from that I will keep it safe when I see you again. We will keep on contact
for as long as we can. It’s your second objection is to start a new life on this planet. I don't understand
how you can expect me to leave you here. Why don't you come with me? Absurd can you imagine what it would look like if I left these people alone
without their queen? This is my life. All that I've ever known You won't have
muc
h life left unless you go. My queen.
I really think that you should go. That is an order at once. I will not let you down. One other thing This is a one way trip for you, Commander. I am relieving you of your duties. What's your mission is complete. It will be up to
you to understand and start a new life. I do understand my queen. I will see this through to the end. (whirring) (psychedelic laser noise) (low rumble) (suspenseful music) (psychedelic laser noise) (upbeat suspenseful music) (mellow
dramatic music) (leaves crunch under footsteps) (screech) (click) (Psychedlic noise) (alarm siren) We’re all doomed. Have
you reached planet earth? Yes. I have. Very good. I will.
- Have you made contact with anyone yet? No. There appear
to be no signs of life on this planet so far.
- Don't worry. I'm sure you will soon. Yes, I'm sure that I will. -Keep me updated. I will. We’ll communicate
as much as we can. My queen. My queen.
Are you okay? (click) I must focus and stay on my mission. (leaves
crunching) (whirring) (high speed travel noise) (high speed travel noise) (high speed travel noise) (screech) (ripping noise) (speaking in alien language) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien langauge) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien language) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien language) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien language) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien language) (low rumble) (high speed travel noise) (mechanical screech) (click, cl
ick) (high speed travel noise) (speaking in alien language) (low rumble) (blowing wind) (speaking in alien language) (air blast) (speaking in alien language) (mechanical scrape) (birds in background) smells good (bang, bang) “Hey” works for Fonz anyway. Shits still broken. Car get on my level. I don’t know shit bout cars. I cut you man. (click) Oh, God. I don’t know
what the hell I’m doing. (click) That’s the problem it’s dirty. Who the fuck am I kidding? This all sucks. This place sucks. Theres
got to be something
out there somewhere. I mean, a man like me, I should have like, the world
at my fingers. Like skill sets like I have How in the world I got no job I don't know (banging) (banging) Uncle Duke What are you doing? Working on the car. You don’t happen to know
anything about fixing cars? Are you serious? I read books. I don't work on cars. I know what you reading? Um, something else
about aliens. Of course.
- Of course. They're out of this world. I believe that they're real.
- Th
ey’re far out. And I need I just need them to be real. Like, that would be an ultimate. Do you really need them to be real? Yes I do. Or do you want them to be?
I do! All I do is read about them. How can they not be real? This world is so big. This world... Look, this world may be big,
but we're all there is to it. I mean,
have you heard of the Fermi paradox? I haven't. So if there are aliens out there,
how come we haven't heard of them? I can't explain it. Find some evidence. Like, I mean, seri
ously, like, I mean it
in the books that I read, I literally, I believe everything that I read
but... That's good. Just like I taught ya.
- Do you read anything about cars? No. Why would I read about cars? Everything I need to reads like,
written here. You if I read a book about a car
right now, I would put you to shame. I don't doubt that. To be completely honest. Take this umbrella. How's this going to work? Because it's about to rain outside oh, yeah. I feel like you'd want to stay dry. Good
thinking. Huh? You need any help out here? Yes. All I can get
I can get a lot of help, don't you? Well, you know what?
I will take these tools inside for you. Tools? Yeah. You know this hammer? I don't know what you've been
banging on out here, but. Well, I think this
right here is probably the transmission. If I had to guess and this has got a picture of the McDonald's
symbol on it, so there's probably something to do with...
- You are losing me. I am sorry. I'm going to go keep reading my book
. Listen, I got alien rabbits to read about,
and I'm sorry. I just can't.
I can't. No, cars aren't my thing,
but I'll see you inside. Okay? Car isn't my thing either. Okay, Don't poke your eye with that thing. Uncle Duke Ouch, shit.
- Told you. Oh, shit. Ah, fuck Dammit, I guess I'm done. I just have to get fixed later haha. (footsteps) Oh my first encounter
with the people of this planet. Hello Earthlings. Oh, is there anything
I can help you with? Yes. Yes, you can. A Martian army is coming to
your planet and they plan on killing me
and your people. Liane Is this one of your weirdo
alien people? No. Oh my God. Who is that? You’re so pretty! Who are you? My name is Virago. Hey, hi! My name is Virago. I am from the planet Eileen.
A Martian army attacked my planet, and now they're on their way to yours. Planet Eileen? A Martian army? Come on, Eileen. I'm in charge.
I want to know more. Please tell me I'm excited. What's going on? Yes. Your kind is in danger. What do you mean, my kind? Y
our people. The people of this planet. Oh, um, I think you. I think you need to come on the porch.
I want to know more yeah. Come on and lead the way Please. Uncle Duke, I told you there
were real aliens are real. I knew it. (door slams, footsteps) Have a seat. Thank you. Sit there, right there! Why are you so excited? I've never met an alien before. You’re the first alien I have ever met. She’s so pretty. She
is an alien. Yes, she is. Yes, I am. It's all true. Zeet is on his way right now. Who
the hell is Zeet? The leader of the Martian army. Martian. He will attack and destroy
your planet. Why? He wants what I am carrying. I bet he does. What are you carrying? I'll show you. It's important
that I protect this with my life. It's like my grandmother's jewelry box. Oh, my God! What is that? Yeah, what the fuck is that? What’s it do? It's so beautiful. I'll tell you we're just like sitting here That is unbelievable. See, it's all true. Nobody's gonna believe any of this. They're going to
they're going to think
I'm smoking PCP again, and I quit that. They have to believe it. They must. PCP? Look I’m not... What is drugs? I see it's Star Wars. They call it spice stealing Spice stealing, like you put in food. No, Scuma dealer... Uncle Duke, I've never read
about any of this in my books. I want to hear what she has to say.
Please. Listen, you’re a Star Wars nerd. What I really need from you is for you to take me to your leaders.
I can't do that. What leaders? What are you talking a
bout? The leaders of your planet. We have a we have a chain of command. What is so funny? Think they’re gonna let me near a leader?
I got warrants. Why? Why not? That's just not how it works. There are certain rules
that we have to follow here. We have to talk to certain people first,
and then we can go to higher up. What planet is this? The best planet in the whole world. I could beg to differ. And anyway,
I mean, we can contact the police. Can this police help us? That's a good idea. Yes. The
police can help us. Wonderful. Let's call them. That's a good idea. All right. Now, how am I going to explain this
alien stuff? Tell them the truth. That a Martian army
is coming to this planet to attack. The box... We could show the box Hey, this is going to sound kind of weird. So there's this hot chick here
telling me that she's an alien, and she's got this weird box
with some shit I've never seen before. And ahhh... Hello? Shit. They think you're pretty calm again. Uncle Duke. Maybe I should
n't do that so often. (car engine) (telephone rings) Police department.
How may I help you? Hey, this is going to sound a little nuts. But can you send a cop over right away? What seems to be the problem? All right, so this hot alien chick told me
that there's this dude named Zeet that's from Mars, and he's going to come
and try to kill me and my niece. So let me get this right. An alien came from outer space. To your house to kill you. Yes, that's correct, Sir, you do realize that it is illegal
to prank call us Look, I'm not prank calling you again. I promise. Just. Just send somebody, please. Fine. I'll send somebody. What's the address? Okay. Two 20. Thomasson Road. Just. Just have somebody out here right away,
okay? They're on their way. (click) So they're going to send a police officer
right away. Who. Who is this police officer? Oh, it's one of the local pigs. So this police officer
can take me to your leader? No, no, no. That's not how that works. There more, you know, local. So
the police officer is no good to us? No. If they can help,
I promise they can help. I don't see how? Look he can. He'll be able to help.
He can write a ticket or something. No, he won't know what to do against Zeet. He's too strong and powerful. So what are you what are we going to do? The only thing I know we can do
is fight and kill Zeet. Look.
Fighting is not the answer to everything. If we don't fight we die. Give peace a chance. No, there is no peace with Zeet, General Saigon or Emperor Du
namis. They want me
and anyone that stands in their way. Dead I live to fight. I don't want to die. I'm not going to be able to tell
people that aliens are real You should probably fight. (crunch) (blowing) (speaking in alien language) (blowing) (car engine) help us here. Help is here! Hot damn, the fuzz. I'm glad you made it. What seems to be the problem here? An alien has landed on your planet,
and it plans on killing me. Wait, let me get this straight. There's an alien that's visited
our plan
et, and it's trying to kill you. Yes, that is correct. Yeah, But what is so funny? She’s just telling the truth. Okay, so E.T. has come to visit our planet and his sole
purpose here is to try to kill you. I don't know what this E.T. that you're talking about. It's a movie. E.T. phone home. (clap) This is not a laughing matter. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. I have a few questions. I need to ask them.
Why? We don't have much time. This is just standard procedure.
Ma'am. Fine. What are your questions? So w
hat do these aliens
look like to look like? E.T. aliens or the big, scary Xenomorph aliens? Well, Zeet is tall, gray with big mean eyes. Does it disappear like a predator? Another movie? Why aren't you taking this seriously? Okay. Okay, okay. Did you guys come from man monster party
in North Carolina last year? Last week I saw. It's a place where a bunch of nerds
hang out. No, no, no. Okay. Do y'all have any proof of those aliens
whatsoever? See the box? Yes. Yes, the box in the box. The box is
reason we're all in danger (click) What the hell is that? What I said. I'll tell you (click) I can't believe it. It's real. It's not like one of my books. Like I told them it's all real. Can I see it again? Well,
I'm not supposed to let anyone touch it. Look, he's a police officer.
You can trust him. It'll be all right. Police have never done anything
wrong. Ever. Yes, I'm sure it'll be okay. (click) I, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. You believe us now? Here, right now. It's right there. Yeah. An
d I'll help you any way I can. Good. We don't have much time. (suspenseful music) (laser noise) What the hell? Get inside. (laser noise) (gunshots) (laser fire) (gunshots) (laser blast) (dramatic music) That was too close. Grab whatever you can and help me
fight them off. (Laser fire) (laser fire) No, Uncle Duke! No! (laser fire) You’re evil. Yeah. Go, get out of here! (laser blast) No. No, you can't. He's too strong for you. He killed Liane! I know and he’ll pay. But now is not the time to fall
back
and regroup. He killed my niece. I know. And I'm sorry about Liane. My niece. The time to cry is later. We must deal with Zeet. If we don't kill Zeet, then your niece died for no reason. You're right. Do it for her. Okay. I need to go. We need to go. (ominous music) (ominous music builds) (crackling wind) (speaking in alien language) (foosteps, leaves crunching) We need to find a place to heal and rest. Yeah. Hey, How come I didn't evaporate? Like Liane when they shot her? It wasn't a dire
ct hit. You only evaporate
if you get hit in the chest. That’s weird rules. Okay. Let me make a call. Shit! She ain’t anserwing. Who are you trying to contact? This is a friend of mine. She lives right past the woods over there. Can she help us? I think so. Let's go Yeah, There's her house, right there. Good.
We don't have much time. I just hope she’s home. How well do you know her? Can she be trusted? I've known her for a few years,
and I guess it depends on how much she had to drink. But hopef
ully. So you people of earth, don't all know one another? No. My planet. We all know each other. We're a very loving
bunch. La dee fucking, da. But like we ain't like that here. I see. That's a shame. It is a shame. I don't know how the people of your planet
live like that. It's pretty simple we’re... We're a bunch of assholes. You know? But we got to get going. You're right. Let's go. (footsteps, leaves crunch) (crow caws in background) (suspenseful music) (leaves crunch) Who the hell are you?
(laser fire) (laser fire) (gunfire and laser fire) (gunfire) (laser fire) (laser blast) (knock on door) Hey, Duke. How are you doing? Can I help you? Yeah. We're in a lot of trouble,
and we could really use your help. Come on in. (door closes) (footsteps) Well, just like that, I can understand why What does that mean? The way I'm dressed has nothing
to do with the trouble that we're in. I believe she's being sarcastic. I don't understand. I'll explain later. Okay.
So we don't have much time. Tim
e for what? We're being chased,
and we're in a lot of danger. Danger of what? Zeet is chasing us. Zeet, the general of this martians army, and he's trying to kill her. If he's like Lianes's friend, the one that has a conspiracy
theory of aliens. No. Now, I wish it were true, but Liane’s dead. What? Yeah. Just happened a little while ago. Really? Who did it? Zeet is the one that killed her. If this is some kind of joke,
I don't think it's funny at all. This is no joke. But Liane's dead,
and a pol
ice officer is dead. Everything that we were telling you
is the truth. So tell me,
is she from another planet? Yes. Yes, she really is., from another planet. Hmm. Really? Maybe I should show her the box. Yeah.
Show her the box. What the hell is that? It’s him, take cover. Who is that? That is Zeet.
He’s the one that is trying to kill us. He killed Liane and a police officer. Let's go in back I have a really good idea. How was that? I'm going to go out there and talk to that
alien. Sweet. Talk hi
m. Well, you sneak up on them, zap them and kill them with a little zapper gun. How are you going to distract him? (footsteps) Oh, honey, don't you worry. I'll use my beauty
and my sweetness to distract him. That's never going to work. What? Never underestimate a woman's ability
to distract a man no matter what. Even if it's human or if it's not Sounds like we got a plan. Works for me. I know just the right outfit to wear. Let me go put it on. Let's do it. Hey, there. How are you? Don't worry. Y
ou can come closer. I won't bite. You must be new in town. I've never seen you before. Is that a space gun in your hand? Or is that you just happy to see me? Oh. Oh, my God. It's actually working. I told you at work. Oh, I wish you luck Oh, I'll get something on my boots. What?
What is she doing? Looks like she got something on her shoe. Oh, Oh. Huh? Oh. Is that. Is this a normal human mating ritual? I hope so. (laser blast) Oh, shit.
What? That was good while it lasted.
We need to get the fuck
out of here. It’s time. (ominous music) (crackling wind) (speaking in alien language) (footsteps) (mechanical wind) (speaking in alien language) How long do you think it’ll
be before Zeke comes for us? I don't know, but it won't be long. What the hell are we going to do
when he does come back? I mean, we're going to take him out once
and for all. How are we going to do that? I’ll wait for him to get back. And I'll take care of the rest. And then what should I be doing Hide behind a large tree or
something, and I'll take care of it. I don't think trees, you
know, block, laser blast. I don't know. It just. They might. Which I don't know. No direct hits. I'm rambling. I think it'll be okay. I just hope he doesn't come
back with more of his army. Army? The Martian army. How many motherfuckers are coming? That's a good question. Hopefully only one I’d be cool with none. Oh. Watch out for the dogs shit. (ominous music) You take cover. We fight to the death Covered. (dramatic music) I'm ready
Shoot! I am. Go home already. This motherfucker is right up on you And all I got between us is a damn tree. And I'm fucking about the piss myself. He’s getting close. Show your moves. I am.
- That’s one ugly motherfucker. (laser fire) I have him trapped Fuck him up already. Fuckers getting away. No, he's not Fucking do it. Do it. Do it now. Dude, check her out Girl fucking power. You know what, girls get this shit done. She’s kicking ass. This is fucking great. (dramtaic music builds) (laser bl
ast) (speaking in alien language) (ominous music) We did it. Uh, yes, we did. Good job. Thank you. (ominous music) (speaking in alien language) (mechanical wind) I'm so glad that's over. Me, too. Your niece, that police officer and Betty didn't die for no reason. That's true. But they are still dead So. So is that fucker a Jedi or something? I mean, like, why the fuck did
he just disappear into the sky? Like, that's what happens when they die. Right? I don't know why. I don't know their culture
or their death ritual. So what do you plan on doing now? I supposed to start a new life
on this planet. On this planet? I think I got an idea. What's that? We need to come to my place so
I can talk to you more in depth about it. Sounds good. Lets go. Cool. (footsteps) I can't wait to get cleaned up. You and me both. I am going to feel so much better
afterwards. What am I gonna tell people about Liane? What do you mean? I mean, how am I going to explain how she died. Tell him the truth. I can't j
ust tell people
that she was killed by aliens. When you say people do you mean the ones that gave birth
to her parents? Where her parents? They died when she was young. I've been raising her ever since. That was nice of you. I mean, it was either that or foster care. I definitely don't
want her to go there. - Foster care? So that's like a place that you go
when you don't have family. Oh, I see. My, my, my queen. Was like that on our planet
if people didn't have a place to go. She let them come a
nd stay in her castle. You know, it
sounds like you had a really nice queen. I did. So you think you would want
to go grab something to eat? A movie? Maybe later. But right now,
I just want to rest for a few minutes. Okay. (footsteps) You know, you really do have a beautiful planet. Yeah, it is. Tell me more about yourself. Well... My name is Leia Virago. As I said, I'm from the planet Eileen. A Martian army, killed all of my people, and my queen
wanted me to get away with the box. Sounds like y
ou really love your queen. I mean, come all the way
to another planet. I did. I would die for her. That's really sweet. I don't know what I'm going to do now that I don't have her to serve. Sure, we can think of something. It's going to take some time
getting used to being on this planet. I will be more than glad to help. Thank you. (footsteps) Honestly, I think. I think you'll find
lots of fun stuff to do here on Earth. We got plenty of fun stuff. Like what? I'm I see there's Greco-Roman wrestl
ing, there's Ping-Pong, there's Tetris and Tetris is the fucking tits. I guess that sounds fun. What did you all do on your planet? We helped each other. And how is that fun? We wanted to make sure that everyone had enough food, water, and a place to live. I guess I like that. We were a peaceful planet. Is that why you got attacked? I believe so. General Saigon knew
we would not put up much of a fight. Now what did General Saigon
want with y'all's planet anyway. He wanted the contents of the box
and to control the universe. He wants to control every
resource on every planet. That's not good. No, it isn't. So did you have someone back on your planet? I had a family No, I mean, like somebody that you love. Like my family? No, no. I mean, did you have, like,
a man on your planet or something, or. Oh, I see. No. There was no man. Good. Good. I mean, that's bad. Why do you ask? Oh, no reason. I just curious. Are you falling for me? No, No, I do not believe you were telling me the truth. He'
s here! (Laser blast) No! You're going to pay for that. (dramatic music) (speaking in alien language) Over my dead body. Bring it on. You have no way of winning this. You underestimate me. The hell you will (speaking in alien language) You will pay for what you have done. And so will you. I know so You're about to find out. (laser fire) (dramatic music builds) (footsteps) (ominous music and blowing noise) (speaking in alien language) Indeed, we do. You won't get away with this. I will stop you
f
rom taking over this planet Oh, I won't be the one. That’s dead. (blast) (laser fire) See, I told you you wouldn't win (speaking in alien language) It's over. You lose. I have the high ground. And what's that? How could you? The fold is too blind to see I worshiped you. I would have died for you. And the journey to protect the box. That box means nothing. How can you say that? That box was a distraction to get you away from your army
so your army could be defeated. How could you? I had no choice
. You could
have brought our people here to live. Why? A whole new planet, a whole new group of people to lead. The surrounding planets will find out what you've done. No, they won't. Oh, trust me, they will. Watch this (clunk) Zeus. Aries. Kronos. Your beloved little planet Eileen. They're all gone. They are no more. You're pure evil. Those planets didn't need to be destroyed. I had no choice. But our people didn't
need to be killed like that. They meant nothing to me. This planet has so much m
ore. You won't get away with this. Who's going to stop me? You? No one's going to believe you. Yes, they will. Not if you're dead. (dramatic music) (crackiling electricity) I was going to kill you. But I think I'm going to torture you first. (crackling electricity) (whimpering) (huffing) Suffer. Suffer, you hole. (crackling and burning noise) (dramatic music) (buzzing) (dramatic music) (crackling electricity) (swoosh) This is not the end of me. You will hear from me again. Not if I have anything
to say about it. (poof) (footsteps) I thought you were dead. (speaking in alien language) What? Why did you shoot the queen and not me? It's all over now. I guess we're going
to have to start a life on this planet. Where will you go? (wind and whirring) (mellow music)
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