Monty Franklin | Live From Denver (Full Comedy Special)

- This is a true story. In 1932, the Australian government went to war with the emus. Do you guys know what an emu is? It's a large flightless bird native to Australia. It's like an ostrich. What happened? There was 20,000 of these birds running through the outback, tearing up farmers' crops. So the army came in with tanks and machine guns and went to war with Amys. Now this is the best bit. I'm not making this up. Please look it up. We fucking lost. We lost twice. We tried again in 1945. Got ou

tsmarted by the birds. We are meant to be allies of you America. What kind of help are we gonna provide? Are you gonna war in Iraq, Afghanistan? Do you need help? Need help? There's no birds there, is there? There's no birds. - The birds. - We haven't done well with birds in the past. You'd tell us if there was birds, wouldn't you? We're This is what's gonna happen. Okay? We're just telling jokes. They're just jokes. Just jokes, okay? It's just comedy. Comedy. Look, the words right there. Comedy

. Okay. Just let's all remember that no one's allowed to get offended. A lot of people are getting offended very easily these days, and then everyone's just worried about saying the wrong thing. And I know that you are. 'cause you do the same thing that I do. If you are driving along in your car and you've got passengers in your car and you answer a phone call and it goes on speaker phone, the first thing you say is just letting you know that you're on speaker and there's other people in the car

. You may as well say, don't talk about the shit we usually talk about. There's other people here. They won't get our humor. They'll judge us. Everyone's terrified of offending. You can't offend Australians. You can't. You tried. You tried without back steakhouse. You tried, fuck you America. How dare you? How dare you? Just a fabrication franchise throughout your entire country. That's a complete mockery of my whole culture. And you guys are totally fine with that. Are you? Totally fine. What t

he fuck is a bloom and onion? I've never heard of that in my life. It's a staple dish in this establishment. You, you all know it. It's a deep fried onion. The size of a football. It's what they eat. It's what they eat down under. You know, we don't call it down under either, by the way. We're, we are there. We are there. We don't call you up over or whatever you are. I'm not offended by Outback Steakhouse. I think it's hilarious. I don't care. There's more stupid shit that we've done in my coun

try that you can make fun of. Much more embarrassing stuff. I'll give you three examples, okay? These are three examples of some stupid shit that we've done in my country. So if you ever meet Australians, bring these ones up instead of Outback Steakhouse. So in the sixties, we had a Prime Minister who drowned. He was prime minister at the time. His name was Harold Holt. He drowned swimming off the coast of Australia, never be found again. And in Melbourne, Australia, where I'm from in his honor,

we built the Harold Holt Swimming Center. He fucking drowned. And we built a swimming center in his honor. What a pack of assholes. So I, I grew up in a place called Shark Bay. Okay, shark. Shark with an R. Okay, I don't, I don't pronounce my Rs, okay, I don't have time. Shark. Okay, shark. Shark. Like a shark. You know what a shark is? Fuck you. Alright. Like Dan, Dan, you know what a shark is? Stop it. So, shark Bay, it never dawned on me how ridiculous this was. When I was a teenager, the lo

cal government realized that no tourists were coming to the area for obvious reasons. So they changed the name to Safety Beach. That's the complete opposite of Shark Bay. They did nothing to improve safety, nothing. There's sharks there, a fucking lot of them. And now they're just luring tourists into a death trap, basically. Like, yeah, nah, come in dad, safety beach. It's totally fine. Yeah, - Yeah, - It's totally safe. Yeah. Go swimming. Of course. Why not? Oh, oh no, that's not a shark. That

's a safety shark. It's a dolphin. You pussy, get out there. What - The - Hell's wrong with you? So I moved, I moved to America. I moved to Hollywood. That's where I moved first from Australia. My plan was to go to Hollywood, become a star. And I'd said that to my friends when I was leaving. I said, I'm gonna go to Hollywood. And they all went, ah, Hollywood, you dickhead. I'll give you six months, I'll give you six months. And then you'll be having sex with some old lady in Malibu just to pay y

ou rent. That's what they said. They all laughed at me and I went, nah, I'm gonna go to Hollywood and be a famous comedian. So I moved to Hollywood. I was, I was there for about six months. And, and this old lady from Malibu came up to me. This happened after a comedy show. This old lady came up to me and she said, I'm having a private party down at my house in Malibu. It's all Australian themed. I'd like you to come and perform. And I thought, oh no shit. It's happening. It's happening. My frie

nds predicted it and it's happening. And I thought, surely she can't pay me enough money. And then she went, I'll pay you $3,000. And I went, look, what time do you need me to be there? What time? So I went down to her racist party. And I'm aware Australia's not a race. But anyway, I, I went down there. She would've spent a hundred thousand dollars on this afternoon garden party. It was all Australian themed for her. 12 friends. That's all that were there. I was the only Australian. It was fucki

ng weird. It was like an Australian version of get out. That's what it felt like. I thought, this doesn't seem safe. I need to leave. And I said to the old lady, I said, do you want me to get up and tell jokes? Do you want me to do standup? Is that why I'm here? And she said, no, no, no. I don't want you to do that. I just want you to walk around and just be Australian. That's what she said to me. And then she had a handler there. I'm not making this up. They handed me a kangaroo on a leash. A r

eal life kangaroo. You don't hold a kangaroo on a leash. That's a very strange thing to do. That's like one of you guys having a bald eagle as a kite. Just like, oh Jesus, why did we get a bald eagle kite? This is ridiculous. He's already shadowed grandma twice. Why did we, so that's what it felt like, having a kangaroo and a leash. And I'm walking around this lady's backyard just with a kangaroo on a leash, just going up to her 12 guests going, good day guys. How you going? Yeah, it's a kangaro

o. I didn't think that'd be here either. But here we are. - Hello. - Anyway, shrimp on the barbie. Dingo's got my baby. Have a nice night. Just saying the stupidest shit that I could think of. Do you know how embarrassing that was? Walking around with a kangaroo on a leash. I would've rather had sex with the old lady. That would be less embarrassing. The kangaroo was embarrassed. He looked up at me and said, do you think if we both fuck her, we can leave? And I went, I don't know. That sounds il

legal. I don't think we should. I think we should entertain that idea. Picture how horrifically offensive that party is, by the way. Put any other culture in that position, how offensive that would be. Right? We're all laughing 'cause Australia doesn't count. And I know that. I know that and I'm okay with that. But she couldn't do that with any other culture. She couldn't say to a couple of guys from India. Okay, you Indian guys? Yep, come on in. Come on in. Okay, you are just gonna be in this s

even 11 here, okay? And I don't want you to just get angry. If anyone comes in, just, just be like, stop reading the magazines. Get outta here. She can't do that. But she can't say, okay, and you six Mexican guys, can you go on the other side of the fence and just try and get into the - Party - The whole time? Just, just remember that we're all friends. We're all friends here. Let's all remember Outback Steakhouse is a thing that exists. Let's all remember Dash, if you got that, that picture, I

want to show you guys, in case you thought I was making that up. Have a look at the T-shirt they made me wear. And I'm just like, yeah, okay. Walking around the yard. Look how big the kangaroo is. That would've beat the shit outta me. $3,000. I'd do it again tomorrow. I don't know. I'm, I'm scared of everything in your country. Everything terrifies me. I'm not scared of anything in Australia. It's not a, it's not a real place. Doesn't exist. You know, we were founded by criminals. We're a convic

t settlement. You know, the first police force in Australia was just made up of the best behaved criminals. That's how law enforcement started in my country. So everyone's dodgy. You can get away with shit if you get pulled over by the police for speeding. And the cops go, oh, you, you were speeding back there. You can go, ah, come on. And they go, Hey. Yeah, fucking good point. All right, get outta here. Go on, get outta here, you Skelly. Go on, get outta here. Nothing happens. That's, that's i

t's, but here, everything terrifies me. I'm scared of, I'm scared of my credit score. I don't even know what it is. I'm too scared to look at it. 'cause if you look at it, it fucking goes down. What is this number that we've all been assigned that we are too scared to look at? And someone says, oh, we have to do a credit check. And you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They don't look at it. I don't look at it. You shouldn't look at it. If you look at it, it goes down. Don't look at it. And th

ey go, it's a soft check. There's a soft check and a hard check. This is just a soft check. And then you're like, what's a soft check? And they go, it's when we have a little look like we're over here. And then we just go, oh. Oh, there it is. I thought I softly checked. I had a look at, there's a soft look. Oh, there it is. I don't have time. I don't have time to watch, watch a TV show. I'd love to watch Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. I'd love to watch one of these shows. I can't commit all t

hat time. It's like 450 episodes, over 75 seasons. It's like four years of my life. Just Just dedicated to this main character who dies in the end. And then they all come back for another season on Netflix. It's, it's too much. It's too much to commit to. I'd like to be religious. I would, I just, I don't have time. I can't commit to this, this main character who just dies in the end. And then he comes back for another season on Netflix. Ah, fuck off. That was good. I don't like that reaction. I

compared the resurrection of Jesus to the resurrection of TV shows on Netflix. And you all disapproved. Are we, are we in the Bible belt? No. So shut the fuck up. I, I do wish I was religious. I'm actually, I'm jealous of people that have religion in their lives. I'd love to, but there's a spectrum of religion isn't there? And you just wanna be like right in the middle somewhere. Just have some faith, you know, just nice religion. Just be able to blame shit on someone else when it goes bad. Jus

t a nice midsection of religion. Because if you're too far this way and you're an atheist, you're just fucking boring. Like, everyone just dies. Everyone, there's, there's there. And then there's just darkness. And everyone's dead in a ditch. Like, what do you believe in? Nothing. Nothing. It's just this. And then nothing you believe in. No magic, no Hogwarts, nothing. What do you, nah, it's here and then it's death and that's it. And that's all that happens. Shut the fuck up. But then on the ot

her side, if you are too religious, just know that you are very fucking annoying. Okay? You're not annoying me, you're annoying. God. Okay? God's got shit to do. Like a lot of shit to do. You think He needs to hear from you every day? Every fucking day with your problems every day. Please Lord, give me the strength to endure Margaret at work. She breathes through her nose. - And - I know I'm meant to love my fellow man, - But I just - Shut the fuck up. He's got shit to do. You're annoying him th

anking him every day for the gift of life. It's too much. It's too much. I'll, I'll put it in perspective for you. Okay? You've got a friend, your friend's name's Gary. And you buy Gary a gift for his birthday. A sweater. You give him the sweater, he loves it. And he thanks you every fucking day for that sweater. That's gonna get very annoying, isn't it? Like it's a Friday, you're at home and you answer the phone, Gary. Oh yeah, no, you don't have to thank me again for the gift. That's how a gif

t works. I give it to you, you thank me at the time, and then we move on with our lives. I'm glad you like it. No need to call back Saturday. Phone rings again. Are you fucking serious? Gary, are you gonna thank me every day? Quite frankly, I'm pissed off. I gave you the sweater now just move on with your life, okay? Don't call back here. Sunday phone doesn't ring, but Gary comes around to your house at 10 o'clock in the morning and sings songs to you for an hour and a half About how much he lov

es the fucking sweater. You bought my sweat. Oh no. Why? Shut the fuck up, Gary. Why are you here? He's gathering up coins and giving them to you. This is for the sweater. I love this so much. There's a, there's a sign at the Denver airport that I saw. I was in the, the male bathroom in at the urinal. And they got little signs there. And this sign said, sex traffickers don't discriminate. What, what the fuck does that mean? Is that pro sex trafficker? Why is that sign there? Look, I'm there read

ing it going. Sex traffickers don't discriminate. Ah, I didn't know that. Did you know that sex traffickers, they don't discriminate. No. So, well, they're not all bad then. Who thought sex trafficking needed a positive marketing spin? Was it the head of the sex traffickers union at one of their biannual meetings? They have two meetings a year to discuss what's new in sex trafficking. And the head of the union gets up and he goes, guys, guys gather round, gather round guys. It's all guys. You kn

ow, it's guys, guys gather round. Did you know public perception for sex trafficking? Look, it's not good. Not good Because look, are we sex traffickers? Yes. Okay, guilty. Guilty is charged. But I'll tell you one thing that we don't do, we don't discriminate. And there's like a buzz in the room and everyone goes, yeah, shit. Jeff's right. I don't discriminate. I've never discriminated. And Jeff feeds off that buzz. He goes, yeah, we need to get a slogan out there just in the airports. Just sex

traffickers don't discriminate. 'cause we don't, we don't, we don't discriminate on race, religion. We don't, we don't care what high school you went to. We'll, we'll grab anyone and just chuck you in the back of the van. And when you're in the back of the van going, what, what? Why, why me? Well, I say, why not you? All right? That's as, that's as rough as it gets. So do you know, I, I saw this sign the other day and this is, this shows the level of my maturity. Okay? It was a sign for an art e

xhibit and someone had put an F in front of the art. And I laughed for a week and a half at the idea of a fart exhibit. And what might be at a fart exhibit. Is it just a bunch of buttons on the wall? And you go, oh, that's a fun one. Oh, wonder where that one's from. Can I, can I tell you guys about my favorite fart of all time? I think about this fart way more than you should think about a fart like three times a week in the shower. I'll remember the fart and it wasn't even my fart. You shouldn

't, you shouldn't think about someone else's fart for so many years. But I did. And it happened long time ago. I was 12 years old and I, I, I went to a very religious school, an all boys Christian grammar school. And the whole school would go to church three times a week. Like a thousand boys sitting in this huge church stained glass roof and a pipe pipe organ. Like the place was incredible. And we're all sitting there listening to the priest as he's talking. And my mate, Mikey sitting next to m

e, nudges me and goes, Hey, smell this because he's a 12-year-old boy and he's gross. And I looked at, he was like this, like he was, his plan was to just do a silent fart and watch me just flail around in the filth that he created. I go, That was his big plan. But he farted and it was so loud, it was so incredibly loud. It vibrated off the wooden pew and bounced around the church. It got louder as it went around. It defied logic. It made no sense. You know how farts change octaves sometimes and

go, yeah, this one just stuck the landing. It just went, it was beautiful. It was heavenly. It was the perfect path. The guy playing the pipe organ like went, oh, I didn't touch anything. That's how heavenly beautiful this sound was. He thought he'd touched a note on the pipe organ, but it was Mikey's fart the whole time. And the thing that I remember and laugh at the most is Mikey's face. 'cause he looked at me like a cheeky young boy with the prank of a lifetime. And then his face just went t

o horror in seconds. And he looked at me like I did something wrong. Like why? Why would you let me do that? - And - I'm like, I didn't let you do that. That was all you. So once the fart kind of dissipated, the priest stopped and pointed at Mikey and went, Mikey did you fart? Get out. And he kicked Mikey out of church. And then Mikey had to walk back up the church aisle apologizing to every teacher along the way. I'm sorry I farted. I'm sure you all heard it. It went right around the church. Th

at was me. I was trying to do a silent fart, but it really got out of hand. I apologize. And that's when I lost it. The fact that he had to apologize for his fart up the aisle. I burst out laughing and the priest looked at me and went, right Monty, you get out too. So I had to go back up the aisle apologizing to every teacher. I'm sorry I laughed at Mikey's fart. I know, I know you all heard it. It was going around, but I was right next to it. I copped the full brunt of it. It was incredible. An

d I went out the front where Mikey was very sheepish outside and I was just laughing my ass off. And over the next 15 minutes, six more boys came out, one after the other, Each laughing at the previous person who'd laughed at Mikey's Fault. Anyway, it's my favorite fart, ladies and gentlemen. Favorite fart. I laugh about that in the shower and my wife hears me from the other room and goes, are you laughing about the fart again? I go, yes. I don't know. I look, I try and be a mature person. I try

and be a good, a good citizen. Honestly, I have a better relationship with dogs in my neighborhood than I do with people. There's a corgi called Max and I see him every day and I go up to him and I like go, Hey Max, Hey, how you doing? You having fun? You go to the park. I have a full conversation with Max and then I look up at his owner and I just go, I've never said a word to this guy. I don't know what his name is. Max. And I have a full friendship. I saw a lady the other day who had picked

up her dog's poo in the plastic bag and attached it to her dog's collar. I know how cruel is that? Now the poor dog. Imagine what the dog's thinking. Just walking around Trying to pick up bitches. Just, oh hey, how you doing? Now this noticed the shit I did earlier. Thought I'd thought I'd hang that right there. Yeah, I know it's a little odd, but I can't get it off. Do you know how, how I've I've, I've studied English my whole life, spoken English my whole life and I can't spell banana without

Gwen Stefani's help still to this day. I try and I go, I can, I can do it without her. I can do it without her. And I start and I go, how many nss are there? Seven. I dunno, I'm lost. And in your head you have to go B-A-N-E-N-E-S. So yeah, that's how you do it. Like I'm an idiot. She is a smart woman. She saw a gap in the market. She knew we were, she knew we were all stupid and couldn't spell. I got married in July last year to a nice American girl. I did it. Thank you, thank you. I got a green

card, I did it. Yes. Then legal, - We - Are engaged for like two and a half years because of the pandemic. And when, when we first got engaged, this is the first thing that we had to do was get engagement photos. Okay, this is an American tradition. We don't do this in Australia and it's fucking weird. We were down the beach with a professional photographer doing shit we've never done before and we'll never do again. I was told to stand there and look out over the ocean. So I'm standing there l

ike this. My fiance was told to stand right behind me and put her arms around me like that, right? And I in turn was to hold her back like this. So we're both standing there staring out over the Pacific - Pacific. - She can't see shit 'cause her face is just in my back. We're trying to make that look cute. Like a, so we're standing there in some kind of reverse prom backpack scenario Oreo. And I thought, this isn't right. This doesn't feel right. And I went to the photographer, I don't think we

should. And she took that photo and then we sent that to all of our family and friends and said, this is how we stand at the beach. We're idiots. We are thinking of starting a family. This isn't a good start. I do most of the cooking in the house. She, it's just that she, she burns 90% of shit that she touches in the kitchen. And I'm not allowed to say anything about it. You're not allowed to. It's very sexist and misogynistic to point out a woman burning something in the kitchen. You're better

off just letting them burn shit and just saying nothing. But this is what she does. She put a, like a pot on the stove, turn the stove on and then she just fucks off for an hour and a half and does something else. And then she comes running back in and goes, oh shit, how did that happen? Oh, And I'm sitting there going, I fucking know how it happened, but not allowed to say anything 'cause of the rules of society and I'll get canceled. It's hard. It's, it's hard being in the car with her when sh

e's trying to do a U-turn. It's really hard. It's very hard. I don't think she knows what the letter U is. I don't think she knows. See, this is what a U-turn is, right? You're coming down the street and you need to be back over this side of the street. So you just do a UAU shape. It's in the title. It's in the title still U-shape. Get back to where you needed to get to. But what my wife likes to do is she's driving along about here, she shits herself and she goes, I don't wanna do a U-turn. The

re's too many cars. I'm scared. So she turns right down this street and she doesn't wanna do a U-turn on that street either. So she turns right up the next street and then she does a painfully slow three point turn in a driveway and then comes back down to this street, back down along here and then back up to where we needed to get to. And that takes 45 minutes and I just have to sit there in silence. Look, she's, she's a better person than I am, okay? She does leave dishes around a lot, just ha

lf drunk glasses of water everywhere. And it shits me. But we, we never fight. What we do is we passively aggressively get shit off our chests via one of the cats. So I'll pick up a cat and I say something like, oh, mom leaves a lot of dirty dishes around, doesn't she? And then later on she'll pick up a cat and go, oh, dad can't show his emotions. 'cause his father left him when he was a child. Yeah, she's a lot better at it than I am. She's a terrible morning person. She's just, she's horrific.

From the hours of like six until about nine 30, she looks different. She sounds different. I think she's a different person. She scares me. If I get up before her, it's safer for me to grab some clothes together and go into the kitchen and change in the kitchen. Go. Don't make too much noise. If you wake her up, she'll stab you in the face. She's terrifying. I was getting up early for work, this was a while ago. And I was getting up at six 30 and on the Monday got up at six 30 and she was aslee

p and I lent over and went, oh bye. And kissed her on the shoulder and she went, oh, what are you doing? - And - I said, oh, I was just saying goodbye. And she went, oh, just fucking go. And I went, oh sorry, sorry, go back to sleep. Sorry. And I left. Then on the Tuesday, six 30 in the morning, she was asleep and I thought, I won't disturb her. I let her sleep. That's what she wants. And I went off to work. Yeah, you all know I got a text message from her at nine 30 that said, how come you left

without saying goodbye? What the fuck am I meant to do with this situation? So Wednesday, six 30, I'm just standing at the end of the bed just staring at her. I didn't know what to do. I'm looking around for help, there's no support. And I'm thinking, do I go or do I say goodbye? What do I do? And I was kind of hovering above - Her like that - Is she woke up and saw me above her like this and just went, what the - Fuck is wrong with you? And I went, I dunno what I'm doing. I'm scared healthy. -

About four years ago, I was in Chicago in December, okay? I was in a place called Schaumburg and that is the coldest I've ever been in my entire life. I wasn't prepared for that at all. And I was doing some shows there in Schaumburg and I was in the hotel looking out the window. There was a whole foods about a mile away. And like everything was frozen over, there was no people walking around and all the cars were covered in snow. And look, I don't know the cold, I didn't know if I could walk th

at mile without dying. I didn't know. I didn't wanna be a statistic on their news. Idiot Australian thinks he can walk a mile in December. He has perished outside the whole Foods in charm. I didn't want that to happen. So I put my beanie on and my scarf on and my jacket on, and I put sweatpants on and then jeans over them and like another jacket. And I had all my clothing. I looked like an idiot. I was all puffed out like Kevin from home alone, like, and I walked out of the hotel room and the do

or shut behind me and I went, oh shit, I forgot my room key. But I thought, don't worry about it, you can worry about that when you get back. So I started walking over to the Whole Foods about a mile or about half a mile. This, this young girl walked past me just in a T-shirt and looked up at me like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Then I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm a foreigner. I'm not from around here. Hello. So I knew I had too much clothing on, but I got to the whole Foods and I took the j

acket off and I took the scarf off and I took the beanie off. And then I went to get, I wanted to get this green juice and I found out the green juice was $17. And I was like, oh, come on. $17. And then I looked across and there was a lady giving out free samples of the very juice that I wanted and pretty generous sized samples. So I went up to her and I said, oh hi, may I try one of your juices? I had one. And then I said, that's really good. May I have another? You're allowed to ask for two. W

e've all decided in society that when sampling, you're allowed to have two. So I had the second one, you can't ask for three. That's too much. Okay, that's cheeky. So I, I had to think of tactics to get the third, fourth, and fifth one. So this is what I did. I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I went into the other aisle and I put my jacket back on And my scarf back on and I put my beanie back on. And then I walked back up to the lady and I went, hello, I'd like to try some green j

uice. And she just stared at me and I panicked. I don't know why I said this. I went, my twin brother was just here and he said, I simply must try your green juice. So I'm just deep in a sea of juice lies at this point. And she burst out laughing and then leaned in and said, have as much juice as you want. As soon as all this juice is gone, I get to go on break. So I'm her new best friend. I'm like, well let's have a juice. Come on, I'm getting other people involved. Come on, we're getting Mary

on break. Have a juice. We finished all the juice. Mary went on break. I had way too many juices. I I had like 17 juices. I put my beanie back on and the scarf back on and the jacket back on, ready for my mile walk back to the hotel and about quarter mile out I realized that's, that's too much juice. That's too much. We're about to have a problem here. This is a problem. Look, it's one thing if you need to pee really badly, but if you need to, that is an emergency situation. I don't wanna be a s

tatistic on the Chicago news, Australian shit's, pants outside the Whole Foods in Schaumburg. He is perished outside. I don't, I don't need that on my adult life resume. So, and the shit that was going through my head, like I was walking along going, you could jump between these two cars right now and this would all be over. And I'm like, you're not doing that. You're an adult. You're not. You're not shitting between cars. What are you? Insane? So this is all I could do. All right, now you've al

l done this before. Don't act like you haven't what it is, it's the fast paced walk and then you have to gather yourself and that's the only way you can get from A to B. All right? You go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Oh shit, shit, shit. - Ah, - You've all done it before. You know damn well you have, don't act like you haven't. It's all you can do. You go go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Chi chi chi chi chi. Oh, - Oh God. - So I did that the whole mile. Walk back to the hotel. I stopp

ed like 50 times. It took me so long to get there, but I struggled. And I got there and I made it. And I was sweating. I was sweating by the time I got to the hotel and I went to the elevators and I remembered shit. I forgot my room key. And I went up to the guy at the counter and it's like he knew exactly what was going on because all I did was go up up to him and just go, duh. And he went right, this guy's about to shit his pants and doesn't have a room key 'cause he just went yeah. And handed

me the key and I went, ah. I went to the elevators, I went up to my floor and I got there and I got to my room. I opened the door, I opened the bathroom door. Now why is it that your brain thinks it's made it to the toilet when it sees the toilet? I was like, no, we're not there yet. Whatcha doing for God's sakes? And I jumped in the air and I got my jeans off and I got my dove and I went And I made it every little step, that whole mile back everything. The relief. The relief when I made it to

the toilet. And then I remembered I was wearing two pairs of pants. And that's the story of the time I shat my pants in Schaumburg in December on the coldest day of the year. Thank you very much for coming out Denver I appreciate it. Thank you. Goodnight.