I decided to put it all on one bat one horse and one horse race the Cheltenham Gold Cup in March 2018 and if that horse won um I would have won that money back I had the intention to pay everybody back if it didn't win it had literally become a matter of life and death and I was going to go and kill myself [Music] I was one of those people that from a young age I was obsessed with all sports I didn't really care what I played as long as I was playing something and it was all I was bothered about
really it was all I wanted to do and then it wasn't until I was 15 when kind of professional Club started to take an interest in me and I got put on the academy at northamptonshire that's when I thought okay this is this is really something that that might happen you eventually ended up going to Durham University to to play cricket there and study of course yeah so I was playing full-time professionally after I left school um so I arrived at Durham um in October 2006 year left on a contract at
northamptonshire and life was pretty perfect at that point in my life I'd never placed a bet um I didn't know much about gambling at all it wasn't something that anybody in my family did none of my friends did didn't have the same kind of access and exposure that you do now and a few of the guys that I kind of got in with early on they were into it it was something that they did and one Saturday morning we walked into a betting shop in in the middle of Durham I sat down in the bucket chair in fr
ont of the machine I had two pounds in my pocket left over from the night before and being an overconfident arrogant slightly naive 19 year old boy there was at the time I put my two quid in the machine um I put it on the only number that was different from all the other screen zero is the last number to come up and I thought well the chance of it happening twice in a row and 12 seconds later two pounds became 72 pounds and my life changed forever and that was my first bet I could always say to
people I can't explain the feeling it gave me because I'd never had it before and weirdly I'd never have it again yeah it gave me a like a rush and Buzz like nothing else and people talk about drugs that was definitely my drug and how did The Habit kind of progress from this point onwards I guess I was different to most people at University because I had a lot more money than most people because I was being paid to play cricket I had a student loan like everybody else a generous mom and dad so I
did have more money and I thought to myself well I can still afford to do what everybody else is doing so who cares if I lose a bit gambling the only thing about it from an early stage was it started to take up more and more of my time and I wasn't always kind of totally honest about how much I was doing it I'd go with my mates there'd be a transparency around that but then I'd also go two or three times at other points during the day on my own when when they didn't realize whilst I was at Uni
in in 2007 my Cricket career ended and I found that really difficult um that moment was was tough it hit me really hard and I started to gamble more and more because I had the money the time it would actually replace sport in many ways and then when I moved to London it was a huge turning point because I'd moved to London I think for the wrong reasons in many ways because I'd kind of followed the crowd because I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life if I wasn't playing Sport and it was what
all my mates were doing I thought it's the done thing to move to London to work in finance to try and earn as much cash as you possibly can and a big change in my kind of mindset was I was previously motivated very much by sort of success and achievement and now I was only bothered about money and I think that was partly because I was gambling but also because that was the culture and environment that surrounded me is what kind of drove made people taking that in that world and so actually all
I wanted was as much money as I possibly could what was the biggest amount you won during this time period having kind of received some good news at work being told that I was getting a promotion a bit of a pay rise a Christmas bonus all those things you kind of crave as somebody in that world I went out with my mates to to celebrate that night before I met up with my mates I walked into the shop and I put the biggest bet on I'd put on to that point it was a football accumulator um there were si
x matches and two of the matches there had to be a draw three of the matches both teams had score and one of the favorites had to lose I put 500 pounds on this bet I walked upstairs I started getting drunk my mates and that night 500 pounds became 34 968 pounds um and that was the biggest single win that I'd had and ever would have from that moment onwards not only did I kind of feel like I was totally Invincible I thought it would happen every time I did it when it doesn't where it doesn't matt
er it's banned to happen again at some point but actually the worst thing about it was that was when it became like a drug because now if I didn't win that amount of money it didn't give me the same Rush Buzz hit just like a drug and I wanted that every time I did it so I started to put more and more every time I bet bigger Stakes so I'd keep doing it but also I started to feel guilty embarrassed ashamed stupid emotions that I wasn't used to dealing with and I started to combat those by drinking
even more alcohol taking drugs and life just started to spiral in a very very different direction I never told a single person in the world that I won that money that night that was pretty hard but I also lost it in a few weeks and when it was gone I wanted it back started trying to win it back and then once I'd lost that money I started to get into debt um and I get over a short period of time that changed completely nature of my job was kind of walking from the office to the Lloyd's building
um historically I would on the way there I'd stop going to the shop for 15 minutes and have a bet that now became times where I'd be in there for maybe three four hours I wouldn't do what I was supposed to do I'd then make up a lie about what had happened and rather than that happening kind of once a week it started to happen three four times a week to every day by that point um I had four bank loans I had five credit cards um I'd missed a couple of months rent payments uh and financial situatio
n was starting to become pretty dire to tell the truth um I was starting to really struggle my mental health although I didn't want to tell anybody about that of course um but yeah financially it wasn't great but if at that point I'd stopped it wouldn't have been as bad as it ended up being that's for sure I'd put on about three and a half Stone I had all this debt and I thought what on Earth are you doing I decided to try and do something about it and leave London at first when I first became a
teacher I felt that that was the moment that gave me the opportunity to stop and I tried and whilst I still did it I wasn't doing it all day every day and I thought I'd crack this problem but then when the first set of holidays came along things started to go wrong in my life I just started to do it more and more and eventually um I would probably spend 75 of my day gambling because I could do it on my phone there's always a reason to be on your phone people thought I was on WhatsApp social med
ia emails all those things that people are but I was just gambling um and so it meant I could do it whilst I was teaching it meant I could do it whilst I was done whatever else um and I I just did it all day every day that's that's not an exaggeration um it just completely consumed everything the salary I got paid would usually last the first or second day of each month um and then I'd think well how on Earth am I gonna pay off my debts my bills carry on gambling live afford anything I turn to P
ayday Loans I had 23 different bank and payday loans and then I guess all those kind of avenues had been exhausted and it was at that point that I started turning to individuals and eventually out of desperation I'd make decisions at work that I'd regret forever because I would start to abuse my position as a teacher I worked in a private school I wasn't stupid I knew how wealthy some of these people were had access to that information and I started to take advantage of it and and lie to them so
I'd borrow money off parents of pupils that I taught I lied to them why I needed the money they'd like respected me were worried about me they had the money to lend me um I promised to pay them back I didn't pay a penny back I'd gamble it all away and when it all came to a head it it transpired that there were 113 different individual people that I'd borrowed money off ranging from about 75 quid which doesn't sound too bad up to the best part of 30 000 pounds and I had half a million pounds wor
th of pure gambling debt um that obviously now I'm spending the rest of my life paying back and it started to take its toll um live in this double life was was exhausting and I I actually knew in my heart of hearts it wasn't sustainable there was no way I could kind of keep up this pretense essentially that's the call that I was working at became aware of this scale and the extent of the problem because they'd received complaints from all sorts of different people and they'd kind of opened up an
investigation and at that point I knew the consequences were going to be as bad as they could be I knew that I was going to lose my house I knew I was probably going to lose my job there's nowhere I could carry on being a teacher there or anywhere else um and I knew I was potentially facing kind of criminal conviction I might go to prison because I knew that I'd fought I'd been kind of forging signatures on contracts all sorts of different things and after kind of receiving that news I borrowed
a sum of money off somebody I'd already borrowed money from told them a lie I'm not very proud of I said look I desperately need 10 000 pounds but I promise I'll pay you back at the end of the week and that's because completely coincidentally it was the start of the Cheltenham horse racing Festival the biggest Festival of the Year my biggest week of the year and I honestly believed I could turn ten thousand Pounds into half a million so I put on a series of kind of speculative bets and I even I
thought had a chance and I had one bit of luck on the Thursday that will never ever happen again when one jockey and trainer won pretty much every race uh and the 10 000 pounds that I had started with um was suddenly 58 000 pounds I decided to put it all on one bet one horse in one horse race the Cheltenham Gold Cup in March 2018. and if that horse won um I would have won that money back I had the intention to pay everybody back um yes I probably still would have lost my house and my job but at
least I could have put everyone back and my life could continue but if it didn't win it had literally become a matter of life and death and I was going to go and kill myself um and I watched that horse race in a lesson I had kids sat in front of me doing work I watched a horse lose by a few lengths and my whole world came crashing down did you reach out to anyone for help at this point I'd always seen a way out and at that point there was no way out as far as I was concerned I tried to essentia
lly drink myself into submission taken overdose of of antidepressants sleeping pills I even tried to drive my car off the road in a kind of 48-hour period before eventually um arriving at a train station and was on the verge of of doing the unthinkable that was in floods tears I had commuters all around me a lot of them kind of looking at me some of them laughing at me thinking what's wrong with that bloke because I've stood there in a complete mess in floods of tears but actually I didn't care
because I felt real the only person I could bring myself to tell in a way that I felt was right was was my best mate in the world and that's my little brother I didn't want to call him I didn't want him to me in the state that I was in um because I think he might have reacted differently if he'd heard that so instead of calling him I sent him a message I told him what I was about to do um unfortunately for me having tried to call me he then sent me a message and and that message saved my life he
said look tell me what the problem is talk to me about it and and I promise I'll try and help um and as simple as it sounds that's what I needed to hear and it's What stopped me doing it I took myself home I came clean to my girlfriend initially and and then my parents and that was so tough um but I think one of the things that I reflect on more than anything else is that their reaction was so different to how I thought it was going to be how I'd played it in my head for the last however many y
ears they didn't disown me they didn't go mad they recognized I had a problem they were glad I was still here and that I needed help I was admitted to the rehab for one of a better term I went to treatment on Harley Street in London um and those those few weeks months were really really tough I like a lot of people wanted a quick fix I thought oh I'll go in now get treated I'll walk out and I'll be cured but actually I had to learn pretty quickly that this was something that that doesn't just go
away it's something that I manage essentially for the rest of my life the process was was tough I had to sort of come clean to people and having some of those conversations particularly with people I owed ludicrous amounts of money to and had to admit that everything I'd told them was complete rubbish and and that actually it was gambling was was so hard but um people have been a lot quicker to forgive me than I think I'll ever forgive myself did you kind of figure out how much money you did sp
end on gambling over how many years yeah I had to go through I had to go back through messages emails bank statements um gambling accounts I think it transpires that over the course of those 12 and a half years I'd I'd transacted um about two million pounds worth of bets online which was frightening in itself the volume of bets the amount of bets I was placing every day was was mad I had 76 different online accounts opened up in 65 different people's names so just just the the sheer scale of of
everything was just Way Beyond what even I thought it was and and in my head it was pretty big ultimately nobody should go through what I did and I often say to people I'm one of the lucky ones because I'm still here um too many lives are lost to gambling um every year and that just can't happen and you now do a lot of campaign work to help people struggling with addiction what does it entail so I now work full time for a kind of organization that specialize in education and prevention we use ou
r lived experience to try and raise awareness of the problem educate people about the dangers and pitfalls reduce the stigma help people kind of spot signs in themselves and other people do you have any advice you'd like to give to someone who thinks they might be addicted to gambling understand that it's very easy to lose control very quickly and the sooner you can recognize that that you've lost control and do something about it the better I have an issue with the fact that gambling is is so i
ngrained in culture and society and yet still a bit of a dirty word um it's still something that that people don't talk openly about people only ever talk about when they win never when they lose it's often something that that people almost shame feel ashamed to admit that they do I think I would have found it much easier to talk about a problem with drugs and alcohol and gambling that in itself is is not right so reaching out for help is tough but tell someone um it'll be the best thing you eve
r do one of the things I had to learn over and above everything else was that it was about managing this for the rest of my life um and I now am able to do that um every day that goes past I feel like I'm further away from a bet which can only be a good thing [Music] yeah I met up with someone I knew I'm not going to say friend you know like an associate a substance that I guess straight away was heroin was put on the foil and I was showing how to smoke that
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