My Neighbor Sucks At Suicide - Comedian Sydney Castillo - Chocolate Sundaes Standup Comedy

We gone get dark up here a little bit. I don't want y'all to like tighten up. (audience laughs) f*ck it. We gonna start now. (audience laughs) aye, don't kill yourself. (audience laughs) Y'all ain't sh*t, dawg. I ain't even got to the punchline yet, man. I'm just being motivational right now. (audience laughs) Don't kill yourself, man. You gotta say that in a crowded room, 'cause one of y'all might be, like, going through it or something. You know what I mean? (audience laughs) Don't kill yourse

lf. Like, push through, you know what I mean? (audience laughs) Because, that sh*t is annoying, dawg. (audience laughs) That's the elephant in the room. But, everybody be tip toeing around it. Mental health is real. I get it. But, that sh*t's still annoying. You ever talk to somebody that want to off themself? They f*ck off your day. (audience laughs) You ever had that happen? "Hey Sydney, can I talk to you? I don't even wanna. I don't even wanna. I don't even wanna." I'm like, "dawg, the game o

n, bro." (audience laughs) What the f*ck you want, bro? You can't wait two more quarters to off yourself, n***a? Selfish as sh*t, bro. (audience laughs) Don't get the wrong message. I don't want you to kill yourself. Nah, nah. But don't keep telling people you're going to do it, either. (audience laughs) That sh*t equally annoying. (audience laughs) Every week. "Ahh." (audience laughs) I feel like you killing me now. (audience laughs) I'm from Texas, dawg. We happy. (audience members scream) yea

wassup! We got like Wal-mart. We be like, "Yeah, I'm sh*t." You know what I mean? We hype. You know what I mean? It don't take much. Out here, y'all got palm trees, beaches, couple gang members. I get it. You know what I mean? (audience laughs) Y'all got great weather, and y'all still be, "Ahh." Jumping out of buildings, dawg. (audience laughs) The f*ck wrong with y'all? Y'all got the Lakers down the street, n***a. (audience laughs) Y'all got I don't know how many championship banners your whol

e life y'all been f*cking winning. I'm a Maverick fan. (audience laughs) I got every right to be angry every year. Y'all so God damned spoiled. (audience laughs) Y'all be jumping and sh*t every year. "Ahh." (audience laughs) I first moved out here, dawg. I stayed in North Hollywood. True story. Had a suicidal neighbor. He used to be irritating as hell, dawg. (audience laughs) Every night he tried to kill himself. He suck at it. (audience laughs) Every night, you hear him struggling. "Ha, ahh, ah

h, ahh, ahh. Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh." (audience laughs) You good, baby? I'm sorry. Braids. You good? Are you good? Were you injured? Were you injured? Okay, you're good. (audience laughs) "Ha, ha, ha, ha." (audience laughs) Three minutes. "Ha, ha, ha, ha." Furniture moving. I'm rooting the n***a on, like, "You got this, bro." (audience laughs) Thirty seconds later, he stopped. He started watching TV. (audience laughs) I'm knocking on the wall like "Larry, focus!" (audience laughs) Hey, dawg. On

e time he got drunk. True story. He got drunk, tried to shoot himself. He missed. (audience groans) Mm. How you miss you? (audience laughs) Shot a hole through my wall. I was so mad, dawg. I was so mad. I was like, "Larry! Larry! Hey, Larry! (audience laughs) Put the gun in your mouth." (audience laughs) f*ck around and kill somebody, you know. (audience laughs) I don't like that suicide sh*t, dawg. I don't. That's why I don't talk to my ex-girlfriend to this day. I swear to God. She lied to me,

mama. Five years ago, she looked at me dead in my face. She's like, "Sydney, if you ever leave me, I'll kill myself." (audience laughs) That's what she promised. (audience laughs) She crying, the whole nine. "You ever leave me, I would kill myself. I swear to God. If you ever leave me." I was like, All right, bet." We shook on it. Like, "All right." (audience laughs) I look on Facebook, I see she married and got two kids. (audience laughs) They took a family photo and put it online. Everybody l

eaving comments. It's like, "Oh my God, I'm so happy for you. You so blessed. Ain't God good." I was so pissed. (audience laughs) I left a comment, like, "That's crazy, 'cause you not even supposed to be here right now." (audience laughs) aye "Chocolate Sundaes." My name is Sydney Castillo. Man. Imma be your host tonight. (neon buzzes)