Sasheer Zamata | The First Woman (Full Comedy Special)

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Sasheer Zamata. - Oh my gosh, thank you. Thank you for coming. It's so nice to do this in DC. So excited, look at us. Look at all your faces. Maskless. So close to other faces. Breathing on each other. No fear. I got COVID. - Uh-oh. - Not currently. Could you imagine? I'm like, "Lock the doors." It's a trap. That's why I gathered you here. No, I got COVID a while ago and when I was in quarantine, I shaved my head. And I flirted with the idea of telling people

that was a symptom of the virus. Like yeah, you lose your sense of taste but you gain a sense of style. And I was surprised I got it because I don't like going places or doing things. I love being home. Oh baby, I love being home. I'm happy to be with you now. But I can't wait to leave. Like when we had to lock down, I was like we get to do this? I just get to be home with all my stuff? And if I cancel plans on anyone, it's because I'm being safe and responsible and not 'cause I didn't wanna lea

ve my house in the first place? I love that for us. So I was surprised I got it and never did I think I would be the kind of person to spread it. But the day before I found out I tested positive, I was busy. She had things to do. I went shopping. I babysat. - [Audience] Ooh. - Correct. I don't even like kids like that to be volunteering my services but I had a friend who needed help and I was like, "I just have a tickle in my throat. I'll come tickle those kids." But maybe subconsciously I was l

ike, "I could kill two kids with one cough. Thin the herd." They're fine. I think, I haven't heard from them in a while. I also got a massage that day. Busy. I rarely get massages for myself but I was like, "I'm gonna treat myself and someone else." And I went to the massage parlor and I was in this tiny, tiny room and it was just me and Stephanie, the masseuse. And I asked Stephanie, I was like, "Should I wear my mask during this session?" And she goes, "If you're vaccinated, it's fine. Take it

off." We laughed. We laughed together. Expelled air onto each other's bodies. Had a grand old times 'cause we were like, "We're the good ones. We care about the health of each other in our community. Double vaxxed and boosted, baby. Nothing bad's gonna happen to us." I don't know if Stephanie's alive today. I haven't checked. I did call the massage parlor to let them know what happened. I did also make sure to call after hours. I left a message. I just didn't wanna talk to a human about this. I

t felt icky. It felt like calling an ex lover to let them know you got a sexually transmitted infection. And I didn't wanna do that to Stephanie. Just call her up like, "Hey girl, Steph, Steph. I'm sure you weren't expecting to hear from me so soon but look, I got something weird to tell you. I'm sick. Yeah I got the vid. You should probably get tested. I know it's weird cause we only saw each other once but like, you know what they say, It only takes 15 minutes and we had 90. And honestly when

I think about it, I don't actually know where I got this from. I mean like, I saw you. And I tested positive the next day. So, I'm not blaming you, I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying the order of operations. And really, you are the one who told me to take my mask off. I mean, you like you did it with such ease, like you've done this before. How many clients are you telling me to take their mask off? That's all I'm saying. But look, I'm not mad. You shouldn't be either. And honestly, if you get

tested and it comes back positive, I mean... I'm positive, you know. Maybe, maybe we could do this again, I don't know. I mean you did make me feel really good. I feel like you got a lot out of it too, ya know? I'm gonna do like a in-home session or something. I don't think either of us wants to go 10 days without a massage, right? Hello?" Again, I do not know if I can have this conversation with Stephanie because I do not know if she's alive and I will not check. I had to make another stressfu

l phone call recently. I called 911 for the first time. It happened in New York. I saw something and I said something. What happened was I was walking through the park and next to the park was a car and inside the car was a man and inside the man's hand was his dick. He was masturbating. Early on a Sunday morning. I was like, he was the early bird jerking his worm. And I was concerned 'cause there were kids running around and I was like, "What about the children?" I didn't call 911 immediately b

ecause I was on my way to brunch. I had to address that first. I called the friend who I was meeting up with and I was like, "Hey girl, I'm gonna be a little late. There's a guy in the park with his dick out." And she goes, "You've already used that excuse before." Fair. But I was like, who do I call in this situation? I'm not aware of like a masturbation tip line, although there should be one. Just the tips. But like, "Is this a 911 situation?" And she goes, "I don't know, just hurry up. I don'

t wanna lose these seats." So we stopped talking and then I called my mom and I don't usually call my mom when there's a dick in front of me, but she is a woman who has lived. So she's probably encountered unwanted dick at some point in time. I was like, "Mom, there's a man in the park with his dick out. Who do I call?" And she goes, "I mean, he's not touching anyone or harassing anyone. Is there a level below 911?" And the only thing I could think of was 311. Which in New York is the Housing De

partment. And I was like, "He is pitching a tent, so." So I called them and I waited through this long automated message system that was like, "Do you have a problem with your landlord? Do you have a problem with your tenant?" And I finally got a human on the phone and I was like, "Man in the park with this dick out." And she goes, "Is this man your landlord or your tenant?" And I was like, "Neither." She goes, "Okay, we can't help you." She patches me through to 911. Meanwhile, this guy is stil

l jerking off. I had three full phone conversations next to his car and he's just doing him, literally. I get a 911 operator on the phone and I'm like, "Man, park, dick." And she goes, "Is the suspect Black or Hispanic?" - [Audience] Ooh. - Those were the only two options I was given. Shortest multiple choice question I've ever had in my life. And I was like, "Are you kidding me? Like this is where we're at?" People keep saying we're in a post-racial society and yet, people keep thinking like th

is. How are we supposed to progress when authorities automatically assume that the person committing a crime is a person of color? That being said, he was Hispanic. And then I was like, "Well now, I don't wanna snitch." So I hung up. 'Cause then, I started feeling bad for him and I was like, maybe he's just so stressed out from all the oppression he deals with every day in this country that he just needs a release. And maybe jerking off in public spaces is his form of rebellion. He's saying, "Fu

ck the establishment" by fucking himself. He's tired of the man beating him down so he's beating his meat. He's carrying a heavy load. And he's taking matters into his own hands. We should all strive for that level of bravery. I went on vacation recently, I risked it all for a beach. I went to Costa Rica with my best friend. Yeah, it was fun. And we stayed at a resort 'cause we wanted to be in a different country but like, not really. And we wanted to go dancing one night. So we went to the conc

ierge desk and we're like, "We're gonna go dancing. Can you please call us a car?" And we were talking to a staff full of men and they were like, "You wanna go out alone? You are just two women. Do you need a man to go with you? Should we send a chaperone to watch over you?" And we're like, "We're not going to prom. We're just going to a bar, it's fine." But they wouldn't let it go. And then one guy behind the desk was like, "I mean, I guess you have to learn your lessons the hard way." - [Audie

nce] Ooh. - And I was like, "Is this the beginning of a porn?" Learn my lessons the hard way. I mean, I wasn't expecting this but okay. And it didn't phase us. We left, went dancing, found strangers, did their drugs and made it back safely 'cause we're adults. But I thought about that moment and I was like, "Why wasn't I scared?" I feel like me in my 20s would've been scared and been like, "Oh we are just two women. Maybe we do need a man." But me today, I'm like, "I dare you." I dare you. I'm n

ot worried to learn my lessons the hard way anymore because I've already learned all my lessons the hard way. I lived in New York for almost 10 years. I'm a woman in her 30s. If you are looking to scam me, you are too late. I have been scammed. At this point, I know all the tricks. I've been scammed out of money, sex, my time. Mostly from the same guy. I used to live in Brooklyn and I was at a local bar flirting with this guy and we were giving each other like, fuck me vibes. And I was like, "Ok

ay, I think this is gonna happen." But he kept doing all these like chivalrous, transactional acts for da pussy. And I wanted to be like, no need. You got nothing but green lights here, we're good. But he wouldn't stop. And I was like, okay, this is clearly for him. I'll just play along and this will be like personal role play where I pretend to be somebody who's harder to get than she actually is. I'll give it a try. So we're flirting in the bar, bar shuts down and he goes, "Oh man, it's so lat

e, I should probably walk you home, right?" And I was like, "Yeah. Walk me home. I wouldn't wanna learn a lesson." And so he walks me home. We get to the bottom of my apartment building and he goes, "I should probably walk you upstairs, right?" And I was like, "Oh my God, thank you. I always get so lost. I'm terrible with directions. Is it up?" So he walks me upstairs and then we get to my living room and we're talking for a long time. And then eventually he goes, "Oh wow, it is late. I should p

robably stay here for the night, huh?" And I was like, "Uh-uh." And he goes, "On the couch." And I'm like, "Okay." And then we're like making the couch, tucking the sheets in the cushions as if that's where he is gonna sleep tonight, wasting everybody's time. And then he tucks himself in the sheets and he goes, "Oh you know what I just realized? If your roommates come home and they see a stranger on the couch, they're gonna think I'm an intruder. I should probably sleep in your bed, right?" And

I was like, "Yeah, man. We are on the same team. We have the same objective. If you look at the board, this was the game plan the whole time. I even drew up a play for you to explode through the hole. Yes, get in my bed and if your dick gets cold, you can use my pussy for warmth." So he got in my bed. And we started fooling around but it didn't get very far 'cause his dick wasn't working. And he goes, "Huh, too many margs." And that happens. I was like, "We'll try again in the morning." We wake

up and I'm like, "Mah?" And he goes, "Nah, I have to go to work." And then he leaves. And it took me a while to realize that he worked at a restaurant in Brooklyn and he lived an hour away in Harlem. So he just wanted to avoid the two-hour commute and wake up closer to work the next day. Took me two years to realize that. I have been scammed. But I'm fine with this. I'm okay that I've gone through these things 'cause this means I never have to experience these things again. Right? I've already l

ived through them and learned from them and when they come up again, I know how to handle it better. For example, I was walking down the street by myself and this man approached me and he asked me for the time. I pulled out my phone, looked at it, looked back up, his dick was out. Learned my lesson, I don't tell anyone the time anymore. Like, "Oh, what time is it?" "Time's up, that's what time it is." But on the plus side, that guy who showed me his dick, same guy I saw jerking off in the park e

arlier. And I was like, "Look at you getting out of the car. Not letting the man keep you confined to your tight spaces. Take it to the streets." One thing I've been wondering lately is what do you think has to happen in a person's life to make them want to buy eyelashes for their car? Like who hurt you? Did a car hurt you? Now it's my friend. It'll never hurt me again. Who is the audience for this? Is it for the driver's amusement? Do they walk up to their car every day like, "Ha ha! Still a fa

ce." Or is it for the other drivers on the road? Are we all supposed to look in our rear view mirrors? Like... Am I in the movie, "Cars"? And is this car flirting with me? Like I wear fake eyelashes when I wanna look sexy? Are the owners of these cars trying to make their cars look sexy? And again, for who? Are all the cars with eyelashes being mounted by all the trucks with truck nuts? Also truck nuts... Why? What an ugly accessory. An erect shaft would be more appealing to look at than these l

oose, swanging, shriveled, dangling, detached nuts. Also, is that like a reflection of our society where it's like, "If my car's gonna be a girl, she's gonna have pretty eyelashes and makeup. And if my car's gonna be a boy, he's gonna have nuts." I don't even think nuts are the most appropriate body part to display toughness like grit. That's the most vulnerable part of a person's body. They're sensitive, they're thin skinned. If you hurt them, they shut down. You don't want that to represent yo

u. If you wanna show the world through your car that you have strength and virility, you should wanna show people that you're adaptable and that you have endurance and that you're open and warm and multi-layered... like a vagina. Don't get truck nuts, get a snatch back. I'm gonna trademark that soon. One thing I would like to happen soon is for people to talk about vaginas and vulvas and all things happening down here in a kinder manner. I feel like there's been a lot of disrespect from men and

women when it comes to how we discuss things below. For example, I was talking to a friend who's a woman and she was thinking about getting an IUD. If you don't know what an IUD is, it's birth control. It can be copper or plastic, they put it in your cervix, it's shaped like a capital letter T. And whenever sperm comes around it's like, "Seats taken." And then you don't get pregnant. So my friend was thinking about getting one and she goes, "Yeah, my doctor said that every so often, I would have

to put my fingers up there to make sure my IUD didn't move or fall out and I'm like, 'Uh-uh, I'm not putting my fingers up there.'" And I was like, "What have you been doing your entire life? Not putting your fingers up there?" And she's not unique in this way of thinking. I've talked to many women, I mean women like above 30 who have said things like, "I've never seen my vagina, I've never put my hands inside myself." This cannot continue. This has to stop. Even when it comes to period stuff,

I use a menstrual cup and have for the last 10 years. Not the same one. You do have to change them. If you don't know what a menstrual cup is, it's a silicone cup, you fold it, put it in, pops open, it catches all the blood, you dump the blood in the toilet, you wash the cup in the sink and you put it back in. And I've described this process to other women and sometimes, I'll get the response of, "Ew, you touch your own blood." "Yeah, it's mine, so it's fine." It might be weird if I was like, ta

king someone else's cup out or like shampooing with it or mixing it in a drink. It's the real Bloody Mary. But it's going in the toilet. It's fine. Also, if you've ever owned a dog or a baby or an old person, you've touched way worse. Also wanna let you know that, um, I'm currently wearing a cup right now. Just to give you a little peek behind the beef curtain. Isn't that fun? You just never know. You never know. You could be talking to somebody looking them in the eye and they could be holding.

I'm like a molten lava cake right now. She's got a little surprise. But I like talking about this stuff 'cause it doesn't have to be secretive or taboo or icky. It's so natural and normal. I just really want us to stop treating our parts as if it's a separate entity from our body. Just, get in there, get your hands in your pussies. Get those hands in those pussies. Grab yourself by your pussy. You're allowed to, it's yours. Men touch their all the time. All the time. If you shake a man's hand,

there's a chance he was just rearranging some thin skin shortly before that point. We should be like that. I'm not saying we should like root around in there and start shaking people's hands. We should just check up on what's happening down there with as much frequency. I have friends who will let someone pound that pussy, destroy that pussy, beat that pussy up and they won't put a hand mirror down there to make sure it's still intact. It just got destroyed. You're not curious? Also, if you're i

n the crowd and you're like, "Oh my god, she's talking about me, I hate this." I'm not judging you. I don't judge anyone for this mentality because we're raised this way. We're raised in a culture that demonizes women for even having bodies and makes us feel like our parts are only important in relation to how they make other people feel. And we get taught these things at a very young age. I remember when I was younger, when I was PT, pre-tits. My mom told me, if your dad is in the house, you sh

ouldn't run around without a shirt on because it would be disrespectful to him. And my mom's not weird for telling me that. She told me that because her mom told her that. And I've talked to many other women who've gotten the same kind of teaching that we need to cover up and shrink for the men in our household. But it's like if you think there's someone there who could potentially sexualize a child, let alone their own child, you need to get that predator out of the house. And to make you feel

better. My dad didn't show any signs of sexualizing me or finding me sexy. No matter how hard I tried. I was flirting my little ass off. Got no bites. I also feel like we need to tell little girls it's okay to touch yourself and explore your body. So we're not doing weird stuff later. When I was younger I was raised very Christian and I thought I was gonna go to hell if I touched myself down here. But I wanted to try 'cause I heard stories. And I was like, "Well maybe if I don't do it, maybe if

like, an inanimate third party does it, it'll be fine." So the first time I masturbated was with the handle of a lint roller. It didn't feel great. It was lint-free after. And I had a friend, she washed it first. She used the filter of a fish tank. - [Audience] Ooh. - Because it vibrated and she at least knew it was supposed to do that. We need to tell little girls it's okay to put your hands down there so we're not doing scavenger hunts in our house. Trying to find things that fit. Anyone else

wanna share a household product they put inside of themselves? I'm genuinely asking. Shout it out. - A hairbrush. - A hairbrush. Yes, I love a multipurpose tool. It's not only for your locks, you can pretend it's a cock. - Electric toothbrush. - Electric toothbrush. Classic. Classic. You gotta fill those cavities. I love it. - A spirograph pen. - A spirograph pen? Now what is a spirograph? - It vibrates. - It vibrates? Oh, good, good, good. Not one of those normal ass pens. 'Cause I'm not fuckin

g around with Bic. No, no, no, no, no, no. This thing has to work. I love it. Anyone else? - A cucumber. - A cucumber. Yes, toss that salad, bitch, yes. Did it come out a pickle? I guess it was a little acidy in there in there. Anyone else? - The end of a couch. - Oh, the end of a couch. I like that. I like that it's specifically the end of a couch. She's like, "It's the end of the couch but my beginning. The beginning of my journey." Anyone else? Okay. Thank you so much to everyone who shared.

And for those who didn't, I know. I know. I love asking people about this stuff because it's so natural and normal and we don't talk about it that much. I feel like there's all this stuff in the media that encourages straight boys sexual exploration. There's a whole movie franchise based on a boy fucking pie. I counted. There are eight "American Pie" movies. Eight. I want like a spirograph pen short film or something. Give us something. Also, if you have experimented and put a household product

inside of yourself, you're in good company. You have our friends. And there's a whole group of people who are known to have done the same thing. And those people are witches. Allegedly, the imagery that we see of a woman riding a broomstick comes from women being caught putting the hallucinogenic drug, DMT, on the end of a broom and masturbating with it. So they were flying high on a broom. They were geniuses. They were putting brooms in their hoo-ha or their brewhoo-ha. They were getting high w

hile they were getting off and men were like, "Kill them." Why would you persecute a person like that? That's not a woman you burn, that's a woman you marry. Clearly, she has good ideas. That's someone you fall to the ends of the earth. Like, what other cool stuff are you doing in the woods? I wanna see. I really think a lot of that witch hysteria was just men being upset that women were having fun without them. All the men are like, "Oh you don't need me to help you come?" And all the women are

like, "I have a broom. I can sweep myself off my own feet." I do feel like the pandemic has gotten me more hyper aware of my body and my health. I'm just trying to do more check-ins than I usually would. And what I found is that I've been having these heart palpitations. Yeah, I've had them for years, but in the last year, they've increased in intensity and frequency. And it's not a bad heart, it's just like offbeat, like an old white couple clapping along to Migos at a basketball game. It's li

ke they're trying their best. And I did all these tests and all these scans to figure out what was happening to me. And I was hoping for like, a romantic comedy diagnosis like, "You love too hard. "Your heart's too big." But no. The results came back and thankfully said there's nothing physically wrong with me. And my doctor thinks that the palpitations were linked to anxiety. And I was like, "So the call's coming from inside the house." But I was confused because I've been having palpitations s

ince college so I was like, this means I've been anxious most of the time and for all of my adult life. And my doctor was like, "Uh-huh. "Welcome to being alive." And I was like, "Well what about the heart monitor?" I had to wear this heart monitor on my chest for two weeks straight, didn't match any of my outfits. And it was supposed to read the palpitations and if I myself felt anything, I had to tap on the monitor to echo that something just happened. And she goes, "Well, the monitor didn't p

ick anything up but you tapped on the monitor anywhere from eight to 10 times a day." I was like, "That sounds like something an anxious person would do." The monitor probably wasn't even supposed to pick up my palpitations. It was probably just me diagnosing myself through Morse code going straight to my doctor, like, "I'm overwhelmed." And she's like, "Yeah, that's anxiety. We got it." My anxiety's been manifesting in other ways in my body as well. I've been experiencing sleep paralysis. Has a

nyone had that before? Yeah, woo! More like, ah. It's terrifying. So sleep paralysis is when your brain wakes up from REM sleep but your body does not. So you feel like there's a force holding you down and because you just woke up from a dreamlike state, you might see moving images in the room around you. And I was looking up information on this because I love to learn. And I found these studies that said Black people experience sleep paralysis more than any other race. And I was like, "Of cours

e. "Of course. "Add that to the list." You could say that about most ailments, colon cancer, gout, Charlie horses probably, I don't know. And I looked it up because again, she loves to learn. That sensation when your calf locks up, we call that a Charlie horse because a horse kicked a slave named Charlie and we've been calling it that ever since. I made that one up. It is just a goof. But could you imagine? Poor Charlie has to deal with this racist horse every day? I was like, "Ah, you can lead

a horse to water but you can't make him woke." I also read that a lot of cultures back in the day thought sleep paralysis was brought on by a witch sitting on your chest and giving you nightmares. And I read that and I was like, "That doesn't sound like a nightmare. "Sounds like a dream. Sounds like some fantasy erotica I wrote in middle school." The witch floated into my open bedroom window, her long black cloak open just enough to see the side of her breast. She leaned her broom on the wall 'c

ause she didn't need it. She only wanted me. She hovered above my bed, eyeing me up and down and she thought to herself, "Maybe I'll make her my apprentice, "or my lover, "or both." She lowered herself down onto my chest and I awoke to this beautiful but terrifying woman and then I realized I couldn't move my limbs to escape. But then again, I don't want to. Changed my perspective on sleep paralysis entirely. Now I can't wait to go to sleep. When's that lady coming back? Her pussy will put your

to sleep, but wake up your mind, and that is a woman you want in your life. I am really glad those palpitations didn't turn into something worse because I really don't like my experience going to the hospital or dealing with doctors. And I know I'm not alone in this thinking. I've been reading these articles. Thank you, she's well read. About how sometimes, medical professionals don't listen to women when we talk about pain. Have you experienced this before? And this happens because a lot of the

research that was done on human bodies was done on male bodies and they just transferred a lot of that information onto female bodies. They were like, "Men and women, they're the same. "Women's bodies are just like smaller "and naggier. "They're attached to a ball and chain. But other than that, they're the same." Which we know is not true. There are differences. We react to medications differently. We have different symptoms for different ailments. We make sure there's no urine on the outside

of those pee cups before we turn them back in. There are differences. So because a lot of doctors are looking for what they would find on a man's body on a woman, a lot of women get sent home either misdiagnosed or undiagnosed completely because doctors don't believe what these women are telling them. Like they don't believe us. I don't know about you, but I don't know any women who are lying to go hang out at the hospital for fun. I could read old magazines and watch "Judge Judy" at home. I don

't need to be here for this. Also, I don't know any women who just wanna like inconvenience anyone's time or take up too much space like that. Or at least that's how I feel. I remember one time I was on the subway and I was on a packed car. It was really late at night and this drunk woman stumbled onto the train and she was looking for a seat, couldn't find one. And so she chose... me. She sat right on my lap and what I should have said was, "Seats taken." But what I actually said was nothing. I

just let her sit there. And I started justifying it to myself. I was like, "You know, I've been sitting all day. "This is like strength training for me. "This is good for me. "And maybe she just read my nurturing vibe and that's why "she chose to sit on me over everybody else in the car. "Or maybe she's a witch, am I dreaming?" So that's the place I'm operating from. I don't speak up for myself when I'm supposed to. So if I actually make it to the hospital to tell someone about the pain I've be

en experiencing, I've probably been dead for three hours. And this kind of thing happens to all women, but the rate at which women are misdiagnosed or undiagnosed completely is exponentially higher for Black women. And it's like, of course. I think people may be confused by the term strong Black woman and think we're like immortal. Which I understand is confusing because we never age. I'm actually 72 years old. Just drink a lot of water. And thankfully, more people are talking about this issue.

It's more in the zeitgeist, it's more in the news cycle. The latest thing that happened that got the whole country talking was Serena Williams almost died after giving birth to her child because doctors didn't listen to her when she asked them to scan for blood clots. Who wouldn't listen to Serena Williams? Is this hospital just full of referees from the US Open? And thankfully, she's healthy and safe. Thankfully, her baby's healthy and safe. And thankfully, she feels comfortable enough sharing

her story with us because this kind of thing doesn't just happen to celebrities like Serena Williams. It happens to people in my family, in my friend group, it happened to me. Years ago, I got hit by a car. You should see the car. Just kidding, I didn't even see the car. Maybe if the car had eyelashes, it would've seen me. And I did everything I was supposed to do to be on the road. I was in a crosswalk. I looked to my left, didn't see anything. Looked to my right, didn't see anything. Look back

to my left, saw a Chevy Yukon coming very fast towards me. It clipped me at my knees. I rolled up on the hood, bounced off, hit my head on a different car, on a different lane 'cause I'm a overachiever. Not only did I get hit by a car, but I hit a car. And then I hit the ground and most of the impact happened on my arm and that's actually where I get this scar from. And I've had people in my life ask me if I wanna get this cosmetically removed. But I actually really like having the scar 'cause

it's a nice reminder. It reminds me that I went through something and that tomorrow's not promised. And that danger's at every corner. You gotta keep your head on a swivel. You never know when someone's gonna come out of nowhere and try to make your life hell or here's minding your own business. And maybe that's where some of the anxiety comes from. Starting to see. And thankfully, someone saw this whole accident and they called 911 immediately. I guess they were not on their way to brunch. And

the ambulance came. And when you're in an accident like that, they have to take your clothes off to assess the damage, but they can't like shimmy your clothes off of you 'cause they don't know what's broken. So they have to cut them off of you. And they sliced up my favorite pair of acid washed jeans. And that's the real tragedy here. And you know that saying that's like, "Make sure you're wearing clean underwear in case you get hit by a car." Thank God I was. I had just gone to the gym, worked

out, showered and changed there, which is also great because I was on my period at the time and if they had cut up my leggings post workout, they would've been like, "It's worse than we thought. "She's bleeding everywhere. "And there was a cup inside her? "What happened here?" Thankfully, that wasn't the case. And they took me to the hospital and I was waiting in my stretcher bed waiting to go into the X-Ray room. And this nurse comes up to me. Not my nurse, just a nurse and he goes, "What are y

ou in for?" And I was like, "Am I in prison? And is this the beginning of a porn?" What are you in for? And once I realized that was not what was happening, I told the nurse I got hit by a car and he goes, "Oh man, that sucks." And I was like, "Yeah, man. "Can I get some ice or some painkillers? "I'm pretty sure nothing's broken on me. "I'm just in a lot of pain." And he goes, "Oh, we can't do that "because if we alleviate the pain, "the doctors won't be able to tell what's broken on you." And I

was like, "I feel like the X-Rays will help you with that, "but you're the expert." And then I get to the X-Ray room with a different nurse and they wanna scan my head because she's an overachiever. And the only scanner they have available is a standing scanner. And the nurse goes, "Just stand right here on this X." And I was like, "I don't think I should be standing." And he goes, "No, no, it's fine. "Just right here on the X." And I was like, "Okay, you're the expert." And so I stand on the X

, they scan my head, I go to sit down and I'm like, "Oh my god, my legs." And "He goes, "what's wrong?" And I was like, "I got hit by a car." And he goes, "Oh, you probably shouldn't have been standing." And I was like, "Oh, you probably shouldn't have been nursing." And then I'm finally in my medical room: waiting for the doctor. Doctor enters and she goes, "Okay, "we looked at all your scans, looks like nothing's broken. "You just have some serious bone bruises. "And honestly, if we had given

you some ice "and some painkillers when you first got here, "you would've been gone seven hours ago." And I was like, "Is this a prank show?" Is this what would you do? Is John Quiñones and some cameras gonna come out and congratulate me for not choking everyone in this hospital?" And I didn't know at the time why that was my hospital experience, but years later, I learned about this term called super-humanization. Which sounds like an experiment you have to go through to become an Avenger. But

what it actually is, is racial bias where people believe that Black people are stronger than we actually are. So there are still people in the medical field who believe things like black people have thicker skin, our nerve endings aren't as sensitive, we feel less pain. And that explains why they didn't give me pain medication while I was at the hospital and while they were asking me to do things like stand after I got hit by a car. But I think there's a way we can work on this. I feel like ther

e's a way we can get people to believe Black women when we talk about pain. Because people believe Black women when we talk about things being cool. Like, this hairstyle's cool, these nails are cool, this saying is cool. People are like, "I like it, I love it, I'll take it." And they do take it. So I wonder if we make illness cool, maybe people will take it away from us. So I propose Black women just need to be out in public saying things like, "Sickle cell is sick as hell. [airhorn noises] "A d

iabetes, yeah, sweetie. "Dying while giving childbirth. "More like dying while giving "okurrr!" And then the illness will be gentrified out of our bodies and replaced with white ailments like a gluten allergy. Or an aversion to the sun. Or tennis elbow. And I know tennis elbow does not affect Black women because Serena Williams has been playing for 537 years. It hasn't gotten her yet. I'm getting tired of the way companies advertise to women. There's this thing called femertizing where they put

a feminist lean to commercials to sell more stuff. And it works sometimes, but the way they're doing it now keeps getting weirder and weirder and farther away from the product 'cause they wanna tug at our like feminist heartstrings. So they're essentially like, "You enjoy being girl, right? "And you liked that girls were able to "girl before you, girl? "And you want girls to be able to girl after you, girl? "Then buy Friskies." What? The cat food? Was this like a pussy joke the whole time? And t

here's one campaign that haunts me to this day. It came out years ago. It was for Brawny Paper Towels. For years, they were putting a man lumberjack on the packaging and they decided for Women's History Month, we can do it too. They were like, "We're gonna solve a problem no one thought of." So they started putting a woman on the packaging, but it sucked because they didn't even show this woman's full face. It was just her mouth to her tits. You know, the important parts. "What's gonna suck my d

ick? "And where do I come? "Just right here." But at least you have a paper towel to wipe it off. They got you covered. And there was one commercial for this campaign that was so intense. It was like shot in a Black warehouse and there were these glass panes suspended from the ceiling, which I assume represent the glass ceiling. And then women from history would be projected on the glass and the camera would zoom through and smash it or break the glass ceiling. So it'd be like Harriet Tubman, sm

ash. Marie Curie, smash. Amelia Earhart, smash. Serena Williams, which yes, absolutely deserves to be on that list. But that is a huge jump in time. There was no one in between Amelia Earhart and Serena Williams? Like Mother Teresa didn't do anything for you or Cher? And then it gets to the last glass and it's a picture of this ethnically ambiguous model and it's like, "Is she next?" #strengthhasnogender and all these website links. And I was like, "What was I watching?" Oh yeah, a paper towel c

ommercial. They've gone too far. Also, I never wanna see anyone use Harriet Tubman to advertise cleaning products. She was enslaved. They're like, "You know who knows clean? "Harriet Tubman. "Get your windows so clean "you can almost see freedom." But it's funny, as much as Harriet was on the run, I feel like she'd be more suited for Bounty. I knew I'd get you back. That commercial got me questioning a lot of things but one question that popped up for me was, why do we still talk about Amelia Ea

rhart? She didn't complete her mission. Her goal was to fly around the world. She didn't even make it back home. I get lost all the time. If you remember, I need someone to help me get upstairs to my own apartment. I always get so lost. But I don't think I should be on a stamp for that. And I don't wanna make it seem like she did nothing for history. She was the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah. That's impressive. But I didn't learn that in school. I learned that when I was doi

ng research for this bit. The only thing I learned in school was that she got so lost, she died. Is that like a cautionary tale? Ladies, sky's the limit, if you can even make it up there. She is more known for having not done something. I would hate for that to be my legacy. I plan on doing a lot of cool stuff in my life, but I would be so upset if decades from now, the way people spoke about me was like, "Sasheer Zamata? "National treasure. "Legend has it, whenever she went to the beach, "she a

lways wanted to get in the water. "But never did. "And that's her legacy!" I do think we still talk about Amelia Earhart today because she was a product of good marketing. She was the face of female aviation because she had a good face. So the first person to fly across the Atlantic Ocean was Charles Lindbergh. And after he did it, he was everywhere. He was selling all these books, he had all these speaking engagements, he was doing all these tours and his publicist, Charles Putnam, was also mak

ing bank. So that publicist thought, "I could double my money "if I find a woman to do that exact same flight. "'Cause we gotta appeal to those female consumers, baby." So he went on a America's Next Top Pilot search. And he found Amelia Earhart. And she was perfect. She was young, she was cute, she had a tight boy haircut and a tough leather jacket. And everyone was like, "Is this a manic pixie dream girl in the sky? "I love her." And she was a pilot. She did know how to fly, but she had never

done a trip as arduous or as long as a transatlantic flight. So for safety purposes, and also the patriarchy, she didn't fly that plane. Two men flew the plane and she was the first woman to be flown across the Atlantic Ocean. - What? - That's what made her famous. They thought she could use a couple chaperones to help her out so she didn't learn any lessons. They made that journey came back to America. Everyone here was celebrating, they were so excited. They were like, "You did it Amelia, you'

re a hero. "How do you feel?" And she said, "Oh, I didn't fly that plane. "I was like, baggage. "Like a sack of potatoes." That's literally what she said. Which is so sad. But also great marketing. Because then, they started selling Amelia Earhart baggage just in case you wanna lose your luggage. This is true. So Charles Lindbergh's publicist became Amelia's publicist and they went on a tear. She had her own luggage line. She was the spokesperson for a cigarette company. She was the first celebr

ity to design and sell her own clothes through her own clothing line. She was kind of like the original Kim Kardashian. Where you're like, "I can't remember how she got so famous, "but I will take whatever she's selling." And I'm not even saying that as a diss. I think it's great that Kim Kardashian has been so famous for so long for someone who doesn't have any obvious skills, but she is very skilled. She's great at marketing herself and her entire family and she's literally about to become a l

awyer whose main focus is to release wrongly accused people from prison. She went from getting fucked on tape to helping people who got fucked in court. And that's the American dream. Do you wanna know who was the first woman to fly around the world? - [Audience] Yeah. - Her name's Jerrie Mock. That's it. Just some lady named Jerrie Mock. I never heard of until I was doing research for this bit. And I hate saying this 'cause it doesn't feel good, but I feel like maybe we don't talk about Jerrie

because she wasn't marketable. She didn't have that IT factor. Nothing was wrong with her. She was just a married woman in her 40s who loved to fly and was good at it. And the people who curate our history were like, "I mean, we could talk about her. "She did do the thing. "But what about this pretty missing girl over here? "That's my women's history." We don't like it when the women are around to tell their own story. And Jerrie was actually very around to tell her own story. Jerrie Mock was al

ive until 2014. - What? - Yeah. Very alive and very available to tell her own story if she wanted to. But part of me thinks maybe she didn't want to. It seemed like she didn't really like the limelight. After her global flight, she kept a very quiet life to herself at home and she actually went on record saying, "The kind of person who enjoys being alone in a plane "is not the kind of person who wants "to continuously be around other people." A woman after my own heart. This woman flew all aroun

d the world and was like, "I'd rather be home. "All my stuff is there." And she did try to market herself when she was doing her global flight. She gave herself the nickname, the Flying Housewife, because other than flying the world, she just took care of her kids at home. So really, out of everyone, Jerrie Mock is the most appropriate historical figure to advertise cleaning products. Get your windows so clean you can almost see the first woman who ever flew around the world. And even though Ame

lia Earhart wasn't the first woman to fly around the world, she was very progressive. A lot of people think she may have been queer. There's no hard evidence of this. It's also possible in the 1930s, people saw a woman with a career in pants and they're like, "Gay." We're not sure. I would like to believe that. Give me a queer icon to look up to. And like, literally look up to. Whenever I see a rainbow in the sky, I'm like, "There she goes in her bi plane." And if she was queer, that would expla

in how she operated in her marriage. So she actually got married to that publicist who found her. And it may have been for love. It didn't really seem like it though. He asked her to get married six times before she finally broke down and said yes. It was a real like Steve Urkel, Laura Winslow situation. And before they got married, she drew up a lengthy prenup. She said, "I'm keeping my own house. "I'm keeping my last name. "Don't get in the way of my career. "Don't expect me to be monogamous.

"And if we're together for a full year "and we find ourselves unhappy, we have to part." They got married in 1931. Guess what year she took her solo transatlantic flight? 1932. The very next year. She probably checked in and was like, "How are we feeling, huh? "Do you still like this?" He's like, "I love being married to you." And she's like, [sighs] "Yeah, okay, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, "yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay, uh. "Right, um. "I did say we have to both

be unhappy "and you are very, very, very happy. Okay. "So I think it's time for me to take that solo flight. "Yeah, across the Atlantic. "I know I already flew over the Atlantic once, "but like there were two men in the cockpit "and I just don't want any "cock in my pit. I just- "do this solo." And so she took the flight and that's what earned her the title of being the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. And then she was the first person, man or woman, to fly from Hawaii to Californi

a. And then she started planning her global flight. Her trips kept getting longer and farther from this man. Which makes me think maybe she didn't get lost. Maybe she just left. She was like, "Get me outta this life. "Get me outta this marriage. "I'm tired of all these social constructs put up upon me "that have nothing to do with me." She realized a long time ago she didn't need a man to make her happy. And in so many ways, she just wanted to fly solo. So really, we shouldn't be recognizing Ame

lia Earhart as the first woman to attempt to fly around the world. We should recognize Amelia Earhart as the most notable witch to sweep herself off her own feet. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for coming. You are amazing. Thank you. ♪ Tired of all the usual things ♪ ♪ Games we played that hide our kinks ♪ ♪ I wake up, middle of the night ♪ ♪ Go outside for a moment like ♪ ♪ Nothing to prove, nothing to see ♪ ♪ Nowhere to go, nothing to be ♪ ♪ Dream a dream out of this with me ♪ ♪ Take a

hit, forget what you see ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Write a song to build a bridge ♪ ♪ Past a field where nothing lives ♪ ♪ There everything is waiting for you ♪ ♪ Bed and roses, science of blue ♪ ♪ All the colors dance together ♪ ♪ All the lovers ♪ ♪ I'll meet you there, in the great unknown ♪ ♪ Out beyond, we turn from stones ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ ♪ Let's go ♪ - Thank you very much.