Hey, my name is Graham Brown. The biggest mistake of my life
is that I constantly chase the approval of men
with authority in my life. So growing up, my parents split
when they were when I was really little, I was like three years old, and my mom got primary custody
and I got to see my dad fairly often. He was like the fun dad. So we would like
we have a weekend with our dad and we would go to some other town
and we'd go to like a hotel and hang out and we'd play
like video games, go go karting.
And it was always like a fun thing,
fun thing, fun thing. And then as I got older and as I like
really, really needed someone to help shape me and guide me while he, like,
kind of transitioned, I never felt like my earthly father was like, Hey, I'm
really proud of you and I care about you. And the things that interest you
now interests me because I care for you. But I always felt like anything that I did
that didn't line up with his view of me specifically,
that didn't involve athletics, was so
mething that he felt like
was a waste of his time. I remember I was at sectionals
for wrestling in high school. This was the first tournament
he had been to and I'd wrestled for nearly four years. And the number of times that he asked me,
Is it over yet? Is it done yet? Isn't over yet. And I mean, I was 20 minutes away
from wrestling for for winning our sectional that year. And I just remember thinking, like,
I can't do anything to make this guy proud. I remembered I got really in to reading
and
to writing, and all he did was criticize the books that I read
or what I would be writing or working on. I remember,
although I was captain the football team, he was also deeply disappointed
that I was super involved in choir and was in a men's ensemble
and that I had a bunch of other interests. And what that manifested itself into is
I am in processing the fact that I ascribe paternal roles to people in my life
looking for affirmation, looking for them
to say they're proud of me. And so I work
really,
really hard for people in my life to fulfill
needs that I should put on them. My first job I had as a college pastor
in central Illinois and I had this incredible boss
who I, without intentionally doing it, decided
that he was my primary father role. And everything I did was to make
him happy, to make him proud of me. And I remember I had just gone away
on this trip, and I'm on my way back and I set up a handful of things
to happen. And every single thing that had happened that I'd set
up while I was gone
just crumbled and fell apart. And he had basically messaged me and called me and let me know,
like everything you did was a failure. It wasn't good what happened? And I remember texting him saying,
I need to come to your house right now. I mean, he's my boss. And at nearly midnight, I roll into his
house and I'm just crying on his couch, saying all the things that I wish
that I had said to my dad, to him. I guess
one of the unique things that I had is that my boss was also a
pastor,
and so he switched his hats and we began to have this great
conversation that lasted for an hour, an hour and a half. The following month. I'd plan this golf
outing for our organization, and I invited my dad to be on my
my golf team for that event. And I didn't realize this at the time, but at one point my boss
then pulled my dad aside and said, Hey, when was the last time you said
that you were proud of your son? When was the last time you said he was? Oh man, I brag about my son to my
friends
all the time and he goes, Does your son know that? I remember later that day, my dad and I, we were having like a late lunch
after the golf outing. He said, I'm really proud of you. This is the first time you've done
something like this. And it went really well
and it seemed to be successful. And I remember thinking like, oh, thanks.
Thanks, Dad. And then a couple weeks later,
I had my ordination. That was a really big deal for me. And going into ministry wasn't necessarily
something my
dad was excited for. He kind of thought it was a phase. He had always asked
if I was going to go into business or if I was going to get
a secondary degree. And I remember at my ordination
he came to it and going to church wasn't really something he did often
if it wasn't a holiday. And I remember how uncomfortable
he looked. I remember how new this was for him. And I just remember at the very end he gave me his card and like,
I know my dad doesn't totally get what's happening
until you understan
d what it is. He just knows. Like I'm a pastor now, I have a title
and in this card I he basically just wrote
like eight rants. I'm so incredibly proud of you
and the time that you put in. And I don't know what it means, but I think God is going to be
something really cool in your life. I don't hang on to a lot of things that goes with me. Everywhere
that I go, it sits in my backpack. And since then, every time I have talked
with my dad, he's ended the conversation. I'll say, Thanks, Dad,
I love
you. You'll say, Thanks, son. I'm proud of you. I think him just changing that language
to say I'm proud of you. What it's transitioned into
now is I'm working on developing healthier relationships
with men, with authority in my life. It's helping me to see that
while I was desperately looking for something that I thought that I want,
and now that I have it, it's changed my relationship.
My father has changed everything. But more importantly, I also change
my relationship with my Heavenly Fathe
r because in the same way, I was desperately
trying to prove to my earthly father that like, Hey, I am worthy
and I am successful. And even though you might
not like the things that I like, I'm really good at what I do
and I'm talented and I'm gifted and I don't need to run this rat race
to make you happy. It's changed how I interact
with my Heavenly Father because I no longer believe that with my Heavenly
Father, I have to run that same rat race. I can actually receive grace
instead of just wor
k for it. The biggest mistake that I've made so far
in my life is believing that I have to
work work so desperately hard for people in my life to be proud of me
or to like me or to want to be around me. And even bigger than that,
that I have to work hard for my Heavenly Father to also like me or care about me. The advice that I would give to
myself is to actually have a conversation with my dad about how I was feeling,
to actually be like, Hey, Dad, this is how I am, this is how I feel. And I kn
ow, I know deep down that you're
proud of me and that you love me. But let's actually have a conversation about it instead of me
just running this race until it exhausts me,
until it destroys our relationship. Because what I would give to go back now and never have to rebuild
what I currently have with my dad. We're all human. We all make mistakes. What I've learned from this is that it's
not fair to me to put on unnecessary burdens and expect expectations on people
who don't really deserve them
. Because when I do that,
it impacts my relationship with them. It takes what should just be really good
workplace relationships that are very healthy and beneficial
that all of a sudden now I've placed expectations on them
that when they don't meet my expectations, it damages a relationship
they never needed to be damaged. What it's done now is it's helped me
figure out how to have really powerful and impactful, meaningful relationships
that are what they're supposed to be, not what I'm
craving
or desire for them to be. And with that, it's unlocked
a ton of opportunity for me to be coach, to be mentored, for me to just have friendships
as I become an adult. The freedom of being able
to have healthy relationships that aren't tainted
by expectation is incredible. My name is Grant
and thank you for listening to my story on no gray areas.
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