The Dark Side of Stand-up Comedy | Cruzzin with Laffter | Live Show

(gears clanging) (bouncy energetic music) (audience cheering) How we doing? How we doing right here? Christianmingle.com. (audience laughing) homedepot.com (audience laughing) blackpeoplemeet.com. (audience laughing) All right, right on. Back me up on this ChristianMingle. Back me up on this. Are you engaged? Yeah. Yeah, you're engaged. Wow! When they tell you, when they tell you you're getting engaged, they tell you it's a partnership. It's 50/50. You're gonna make life decisions together. I'm

here to tell you that's bullshit. (audience laughing) 'Cause after you say, "I do." That's the last thing you agree on. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) And there's always a dominant partner, always a dominant partner. I'll give you a little example. Think of the animal kingdom. Think of a pack, a pride, a herd, any kind of social unit, there's always an alpha male, and the alpha doesn't necessarily have to be male. So here's the little test to tell you which is the dominant partner in th

e marriage. When you think of the husband and go, "Wow, what an asshole." That's the dominant partner. (audience laughing) And when you think of the wife go, "Wow, what a bitch." (audience laughing) That's the dominant partner. And if you think of the husband, who might go on and ask, "Oh what a bitch." That's a power couple. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) You know what I'm talking about. And I gotta tell you this, I gotta tell you this. Back me up on this, if you're married or not, thi

s might've happened to you. And if it hasn't happened to you, it will happen to you. You will be asleep one morning, and then you're beautiful bride, for no reason will. (microphone clangs) You bastard, I had a dream. (audience laughing) And you were cheating on me, and you got her pregnant, (audience laughing) and then you left. But that's not what I'm mad about. This is what I'm mad about. You came back. (audience laughing) And you asked me if I'd babysit. (audience laughing) Would you? And th

en my wife is always complaining about my snoring. You snore too loud. I can't sleep. You snore too loud. I can't sleep. So when I snore now, what she does, she plugs my nose, covers my mouth. I wake up like this (yells) and I tell her, "You have to stop that, 'cause one of these days I'm gonna punch you." She goes, "No, no, no, you can't do that. That's domestic violence." (audience laughing) I said, "Well wait a minute. You cutting off my air passage, (audience laughing) I think that's attempt

ed murder." (audience laughing) (audience clapping) So what I'm saying in the bedroom, it goes from foreplay to felonies. That's what I'm saying. Evolution in the bedroom. Then remember guys, when you first got married, she might borrow your razor, maybe shave her underarms, maybe shave her legs. Now she's shaving her face. (audience laughing) You know what I'm talking about. (audience laughing) But I gotta be fair here ladies. Remember when you first got married, your husband to get you in the

mood, he might bite a dozen roses, might take you out to dinner, might even cook you dinner, but now that you've been married for a while, when he wants to get you in the mood, he just brushes his teeth. (audience laughing) Try it. (audience laughing) And then remember ladies, when you first got married, your husband looked like a young virile Magic Mike. (audience laughing) Yeah, and now that you've been married for a while, you wake up and roll over, and there's Curly from the Three Stooges. (

chattering) (audience laughing) Talk about marriage. I gotta tell you this. I talked about marriage, big controversy in California about gay marriage. And I don't think there's nothing wrong with gay marriage. I didn't even know it was a controversy, 'cause I hadn't been to a gay wedding. It was actually a lesbian wedding, and it was a beautiful wedding. But first I gotta tell you about my family. In my family, we do not say gay. We do not say homosexual. We do not say Rainbow. We don't say anyt

hing. (audience laughing) We're kinda like the military, don't ask, don't tell. And you usually don't have to ask, 'cause you usually can tell. (audience laughing) Like my cousin Junior, he's been Hello Kitty forever. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) And he liked to play sports. He played baseball and we'd say, "Hey Junior, where'd you get that pink catcher's mitt? Hello Kitty." (audience laughing) And yes, Junior was a catcher. (audience yelling) He was proud. And in my family, I gotta t

ell you about my family. In my family, when you get incarcerated, when you go to the big queue in the big house, we do not say incarcerated, we say "He's in college." (audience laughing) So my cousin Junior got a scholarship. (audience laughing) Four to six years, University of Folsom. (audience laughing) and then when he got there, he started his own sorority. (audience laughing) Hello Kitty Locus. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) HKL on his neck. Had a little tear drop right there when

he got out. Hello Kitty. (audience laughing) But what I was talking about was a gay wedding, right, a lesbian wedding. Now I have lesbians in my family. I love 'em. I love to party with them. Good people, but I gotta tell you this, there's this Hollywood myth about lesbians. There is, 'cause anytime you see lesbians in a Hollywood movie, they are these gorgeous bodacious, double D 40s, red, blondes, just gorgeous women, and the lesbians I know, (audience laughing) I'm not saying anybody's uglier

or anything like that. I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying, the lesbians I know, one partner is very petite, very cute, very feminine, very pretty, and the other partner, or the other partner looks like me. (audience laughing) They got shorter hair. I got a better mustache. (audience laughing) And this lesbian wedding I went to, it was a beautiful wedding. It was a normal wedding, except the only different thing about it was, everybody involved in it was female, right. It was in this be

autiful chapel. The pastor was female. (sighs) The bride was female. The bridesmaids were female. The groom was female. The groomsmen were female. It was like seven brides for seven broads. (audience laughing) And they had rehearsed this wedding so long together, that they all got their cycle together. (audience laughing) Yeah, I called it the red wedding. (audience laughing) I was there. (audience laughing) But let me properly introduce myself to you. My name is Danny Cruzz, and I am a Professi

onal MC, and that means I'm a Mexican Comedian. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Third generation, Mexican American. So that means I don't pick lettuce no more. Uh-uh, hmm-mm. Now I pick marijuana. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Oh you can relate. And as a kid, I was cool. Instead of having my baby booties bronzed, I hadn't 'em chromed. (audience laughing) And my mother, she was cool. Instead of having me circumcised, she had me chromed. (audience laughing) Instead of being a hom

e boy, I was a chrome boy. (audience laughing) And as a kid, you know, it was always hard being cool as a kid. Remember, as a kid, you get in a fight, and you're at school, and you get in a fight, and all your friends are watching you. And you're trying to be cool, (blows air) you get a black eye, and you're trying to be cool, and you're fighting. (blows air) You get a bloody nose, and you're trying not to cry. but what really pissed you off, that's the toughest little girl you ever fought. (aud

ience laughing) And isn't it something, now that you're an adult, if you want a girl to beat you up, it might cost you 2, $300. (audience laughing) You know what I'm talking about. (audience laughing) Talking about kids being cool. I was gonna talk about kids. All parents do this, kids out there, right, you don't have kids, right. All parents do this. When a child is one-years-old, they give it its first birthday party. And when a child is one-years-old, it doesn't know what's going on. It canno

t even blow out the candle on that cake. (audience laughing) Blow out the candle. (chatters) (audience laughing) This party is mainly for the parents, so they can invite everybody over and say, "Look, it doesn't look like a rat anymore. (audience laughing) It's got hair now. (audience laughing) How we doing, how we doing? (audience cheering) (audience clapping) But before I get out of here, I gotta ask, is there any PD out there? Any sheriffs, any FBI, Homeland Security? Do you recognize me? (au

dience laughing) How about now? (audience yelling) A lot of people telling me I look suspicious. Now I want to ask you if I look suspicious. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Would you trust me (audience laughing) to babysit your 16-year-old daughter? (audience laughing) No. Would you trust me if I said valet parking. (audience laughing) Cops are really intelligent. I'm gonna tell you how intelligent cops are. Do you know, a cop will not fight you, unless you're handcuffed. (audience laugh

ing) (audience clapping) And a lot of people ask me what my profession was before I became a comedian, and I tell them fireman. (audience laughing) Because every job I had, they go, "Yo Dan, you're fired man." (audience laughing) (audience clapping) You used to love to fill out job applications. Name: Dan the Man Cruzz. Sex: On payday. (audience laughing) Why do you want this job? Because I haven't had a pay day in a long, long time. (audience laughing) Have you ever been arrested? Under what na

me? (audience laughing) How we doing? How we doing? (audience cheering) All right. (audience clapping) Let's keep that going, because I'm bringing up your next performer, very talented, very funny man. Let's give it up for Kevin Davis. Give it up, give it up! (audience cheering) ♪ Baby I do, baby I do ♪ ♪ Baby I do, baby it's true ♪ ♪ You were sent to me ♪ ♪ And I was sent to you ♪ ♪ Baby I do, baby I do ♪ ♪ Baby I do, baby I do ♪ ♪ Baby I believe ♪ ♪ Baby it's true ♪ ♪ You be good to me and I'l

l be good to you ♪ ♪ Baby I do ♪ ♪ Baby it's you ♪ (audience laughing) How's everybody doing tonight? (audience yelling) (audience clapping) Thank you, thank you for your applause. If you didn't clap, I hope the food gives you diarrhea, (audience laughing) and you shit yourself before you make it home. (audience laughing) Nah, I'm only serious. (audience laughing) My name's Kevin Davis. I'm actually known as the Marine of Comedy, and that's because I was in the ROTC in the 11th grade. (audience

laughing) And I watched the bootleg copy of "Major Payne" over 175 times, naked. (audience laughing) No, actually I'm a Marine Corps Master Sergeant, retired. (audience cheering) (audience clapping) Thank you, thank you. But now I'm retired, so my perspective's different. Now, I just want to kill with comedy. Fuck that. (audience laughing) I gotta keep my options open. You know what I mean? In case this comedy stuff don't work out. 'Cause comedy ain't paying my bills right now. At least the kill

ing paid twice a month, (audience laughing) with a pension. (audience laughing) Just to prove my point man, last week I did a show in Utah. Damn, I'm glad to be back in the United States. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Nah, man, Utah reminded me of a third world country, just not as nice. And let me just say this real quick. If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, then Utah got to be whitest. (audience laughing) No, no, they had snow every god damned where, (audience laughing) and

a lot of white people too. You know what I mean? Seriously man, I was there five days. I seen three black people. One was at the airport, and two was in the back of a police car. (audience laughing) I believe I couldn't see what they was saying, but they mouthed what they were saying. "Get out." (audience laughing) But I did a show there, against my better judgment. I did a show there. They tried to pay me with chicken wings, (audience laughing) beer, and crack cocaine. I was offended, 'cause I

don't eat chicken. (audience laughing) I mean, anymore, you know what I mean? (audience laughing) I'm diabetic, and they sensitive up there here too. Whew, they sensitive up in Utah, Crack can making sensitive to a lot of shit. (audience laughing) Work, soap, (audience laughing) water, tooth and paste. You know those things? Whew, no, there was some people up there dentally challenged, let me tell you. They was up there renting teeth. You know what I'm saying? (audience laughing) Seriously man,

I met a girl up there. I was at a Del Taco. It was a Del Taco, I met a girl. I knew she was a crack-head, cause she only had seven teeth, (audience laughing) and three of 'em was in her pocket. (audience laughing) Now the other four was so crooked, she bit into a quesadilla, and spat out Jesus. (audience laughing) They was freaking out. That's a sign. (audience laughing) Jesus is coming back. (audience laughing) That's a sign. No man, just say, yeah, Jesus will be back tomorrow. He working the

grill. (laughs) (audience laughing) Tell you guys a little bit about me real quick. I am a divorced. I am a single parent. I'm actually raising my 12-year-old son. (audience clapping) Hey, hey, hey, don't applaud. I didn't volunteer for this shit. It was court ordered. But some of you already knew that shit, you know that. You're like, wait a minute. A black guy volunteering to raise his own kids. That only happens on the Tyler Perry movie. (audience laughing) But no I am, I'm raising my son, an

d it's a little rough. Let me be honest, it's a little rough, when you raising your kids, 'cause had some credit problems after I got divorced. Had some problems. My credit dropped from a, I had a 755. That's white people credit right there. My credit dropped from a 775 to Negro please. That's what it dropped down to. I had Negro please credit, you know what I mean? (audience laughing) And I know why my score dropped. I know why it dropped, 'cause I stopped paying for shit. (audience laughing) I

had to pay the mortgage. I had to pay the car note. I had to pay JC or Penny. (laughs) (audience laughing) And it was rough. You know, it was rough on me and my son. We were almost homeless, and I did what I had to do as a father, to put a roof over my child's head. I put the credit app for the apartment in my son's name. (audience laughing) That shit didn't work either man. My son's 12. He already a victim of identity theft. Now his credit worse than mine. My son got a bankruptcy, a foreclosur

e, and he's six months behind on child support. (audience laughing) They've been garnishing his lunch money for three years now. He had the nerve to come up to me the other day, talking about, "Dad, when I turn 16, can I get a car?" I was like, Negro please. (audience laughing) I said, "If you don't pay that child support, (laughs) (audience laughing) you ain't even getting a driver license. He's said, "Well what child support Dad? I'm only 12." I said, "Well now you're only 12. You weren't sayi

ng that when you was messing with them hoes, and messing up our credit." (laughs) (audience laughing) I think y'all judging me. Y'all know these are just jokes. He ain't my god damned son. (laughs) (audience laughing) He's adopted and shit. (laughs) (audience laughing) Hey, if you got a drink, do me a favor. Man, I just celebrated my 47th birthday (audience cheering) (audience clapping) eight years ago. (audience laughing) I'm getting old, man. You know how you know you getting old? 'Cause you c

an't do the you used to could do. Like when I was a young man, I could jump off this stage. When I was in the Marines, I used to jump out of planes. Now, I can't jump out of bed. (audience laughing) I can't even jump for joy. (audience laughing) Last week I threw my back out, jumping to a conclusion. (audience laughing) I'm all messed up. I got all kind of ailments. My body's breaking down. I'm lactose intolerant. I got bad knees, a collapsed lung. I'm a diabetic, and my memory ain't what it use

d to be. And on top of all that, I also got, (audience laughing) I'm lactose intolerant. I got bad knees, a collapsed lung. I'm a diabetic and my memory, it ain't what it used to be. I got like 10 things wrong with me. I'm all messed up. Tell me if this has ever happened to you before? You ever run up the steps, get to the top, forget why you went up there. Be walking back and forth, "What the hell I come up here for, God dammit? (audience laughing) And you ain't going back down. (audience laugh

ing) Then something remind you. (chatters) Oh, I supposed to take a shit. (laughs) (audience laughing) That's when you're old man, trust me man. Trust me, trust me man. Listen, man, do me a favor, take care of your health. Don't do like I'm doing, I'm realizing right now that I am spending more time with my doctor than I am with my girlfriend, which is bad. The good news is, it's cheaper. (audience laughing) The doctor takes copay. No, I wish my girlfriend took copay. I could save thousands of d

ollars. What else would I call a girlfriend? I called her girlfriend. She called me John. That's our arrangement. (laughs) (audience laughing) But last week I got a procedure done at the doctor. And not only did it open my eyes, it opened up my asshole too. (audience laughing) Last week, I got a prostate exam by mistake, (audience laughing) at Walmart, in Utah. (audience laughing) I had a Groupon. Now I didn't go to Walmart to get a prostate exam. I wanted to get my back checked 'cause I threw i

t out jumping to a Conclusion A conclusion, exactly. That's what happened. Little cute girl. She said, "Mr. Davis, we noticed you paid with a Groupon. We'd like to give you a free prostate exam." Now I didn't even know what a prostate exam was. I'm not gonna lie, but I heard free. I said, "I'll take your little punk ass exam, but I ain't gonna do well on it. I know that, 'cause you didn't give me time to study." She said, "It's not that type of exam, it's a rectum." "Well rectum." I got scared,

I got scared. I ain't used to nobody playing with my booty hole (audience laughing) for medicinal purposes. (laughs) No, no, no, I ain't no freak or nothin' but I like a little licky licky every now and then, you know what I mean? (laughs) (audience laughing) don't forget my ball sack, you know. (laughs) (audience laughing) Just don't stick your tongue in. That's kinda gay and shit. You know what I mean? She said, "No sir, it's a simple procedure. All you gotta do is drop your pants bend over an

d wait for the doctor, bend over, and wait for the doctor. He'll be in shortly." Now I'm praying to God that the doctor is a petite Asian woman, with the hands of an infant. (audience laughing) I hear her coming down the hallway. (feet stomping) I swing around. The only thing Asian about her is her name, China. (audience laughing) She looked like that WWE wrestler. (audience laughing) She was about 450 pounds. She made Precious look like an anorexic runway model. (audience laughing) She had them

big feet, and had on them Birkenstocks. She came in sliding like she had on canoes. Had on them big long fingers, ET, the extraterrestrial fingers. She had a finger that looked like Arsenio Hall from the Living Color. (audience laughing) They was so long, she could palm a Volkswagen Beetle. That's when I got nervous, and started praying to God Almighty and the Baby Jesus. I said, God, I know you're busy, trying to stop Trump from starting World War III. (audience laughing) And your biggest chal

lenge God, trying to stop Tyler Perry from making any more Modea movies. (audience clapping) But God, if you can find it in your heart and soul, to bless me with the best anal lube you can find, 'cause if this woman's stick them long fingers in my ass, Lord, I may not have a prostate problem today, but I could have hemorrhoids for life. She walks in and says a couple words, without a warning, a countdown, not even a kiss, pow, up my ass, three fingers. I buckled, I buckled, I buckled, I buckled.

My shoulder's torn up, I couldn't breathe. She was going like this. (audience laughing) And it was tricky, 'cause she was a lefty, a sow call. And she was. (grunts) (audience laughing) Three fingers, the last time I use Groupon for a prostate exam. (audience laughing) She was so deep, I could taste her fingernail polish. (audience laughing) I can tell you many carats on her wedding band. She had three, she had three. (audience laughing) She was so deep, I thought she was trying to find China. I

n the military, we got a term for that. That's called breaching the perimeter. She breached the shit out of my perimeter, in my ass they were supposed to do, protect the perimeter. My sphincter muscle grabbed the finger. I tried to run, she was behind me. I start throwing moves. I play second, so I try twerking. (audience laughing) Am I poppin' out?. (audience laughing) 15 minutes. They called the fire department and the jaws of life, to take the finger out of my asshole. (audience laughing) Whe

n it came out, it sounded like a 1997 Charger day. It sounded like this. (tongue pops) And oh, they poppin' bottles. (audience laughing) Now ladies and gentlemen, all I've been through, surprise, embarrassing. Clinically, she raped me. (audience chatters) This woman had the nerve to look at me and say, "I lost my wedding band." (audience laughing) I don't give a fuck what you did, but you ain't sticking them long fingers back in my booty hole. But I tell you what we can do, we can fix this probl

em. You get me a glass of warm milk, three Oreo cookies, and some banana pudding. I had that ring back to her in about 15 minutes, (audience laughing) 'cause I'm lactose intolerant. Did I tell you, I got bad knees, I got a collapsed lung, I'm a diabetic, and my memory, it ain't what it used to be. My name's Kevin Davis, Marine Of Comedy. (audience cheering) ♪ I'll let you know I believe ♪ ♪ Baby I believe ♪ Give it up for Danny Cruzz. ♪ Baby I believe, baby it's true ♪ ♪ You were sent to me ♪ Gi

ve it up, Kevin Davis. Give it up, give it up, give it up. Kevin, Kevin. Are you ready for your next performer? (audience cheering) Very funny, very talented. Let's give it up for George Wang. Give it up! (audience cheering) (upbeat Asian music) Thank you, DJ stereotype. I appreciate the music. I feel like a character on "Street Fighter II" right now. Like I'm got waiting for the... So I like Asian music too. Wu-Tang Clan, that would have been good. (audience clapping) How come there's not a sin

gle Asian dude in the Wu-Tang Clan? That's so weird. That's like if I started a rapper, with five Vietnamese guys, and we're like, "We the Black Panther." (audience laughing) If I was to leep over here, it's like. (George chuckles) (audience laughing) She just got it, I love that, I love that. I'm not here to do comedy. I just came to give Danny some edibles. So I'll be out of your way. I'll be out of your way, I love it dude. Give it up for yourselves man. Came out here at the taping. (audience

clapping) You guys had to battle fires and shit to get here. I love it. Look at this diversity in this crowd, man. I've never seen so many different types of black people before. This is amazing. You don't get this in the Midwest, all right. And when I mean the Midwest, I mean Riverside, right. You know what I'm saying? I hate being the only Asian wherever I go, because they don't know what an Asian really is. You know, like right now, I don't know if I should be doing comedy or painting your g

irlfriend's toenails. You know what I mean? Like, why am I? (audience laughing) So, I do a show in Riverside. I get off stage, I go to the bar. This guy is flagging me over. He goes, "Hey, Jackie Chan, come here for a minute." Just like any Asian reference he can think of. Hey Samsung, come here for a minute. (audience laughing) Hyundai Sonata, come here for a minute. (audience laughing) What the fuck's going on, you fucking red neck? What's up dude? He's like, "Me and my wife. You're like the f

ucking guy from the 'Hangover' man. Funny as shit dude, but me and my wife are just dying to know man, we're just dying to know man. Say, what type of a Oriental did you say you were?" And I was like oriental. I'm not a top Robin slaver dude, oriental, Jesus. Like mother fucker, should I be building a railroad right now? Or like a Rocky chair, diabolically laughing, but the words don't synchronize to my mouth. (George laughing) (audience laughing) Like, in that guy's mind, I'm still bombing Pear

l Harbor in a fighter jet. You know what I mean, like? So I was like, "Sir, I'm actually Chinese." He's like, "I fucking knew it, man. I knew it, man. Me and my wife, we love sushi." I was like, "Oh God, really?" That's like you can't go to a random black dude, right. Like, (coughs) "Excuse me, Kunta Kinte come here for-- (audience laughing) Malcolm X, come here for a minute. See, me and my wife were just dying to know man, what type of a Negro did you say you were?" The guys like, "I'm Ethiopia

n" or something. I fucking knew it, man. (audience laughing) I love Morgan Freeman or something. He'd be like, what the fuck? (audience laughing) The hell, has nothing to do with that guy being Ethiopian. (audience laughing) I live in the city. You guys know where Monterey Park is? (audience yelling) Exact, just keep driving til you get into an accident, and you'll know, near Monterey Park. (audience laughing) So, in our area, it's predominantly Asian and Hispanic, right. Even my girlfriend is L

atino. Give it up, give it up for Miranda. She's up in the front seat. (audience clapping) Always thought like the Asian dude were to have a baby with a Hispanic woman, would it technically be a Lachino? You know what I mean? (audience laughing) Like, I always tell her, we'd have a baby girl and it'll be a Lachino. You know what I mean? Like, you know why that baby would be dope? It would be smart and hardworking at the same time. Yeah, instead of the great wall, it's the fucking wall, we'll bui

ld the great wall together. You know, and then Trump could tax us from there. So I take my dad to his first Mexican restaurant, right. And he's sitting there, and he's like waiting on the bus. "Excuse me," he's like, "excuse me," and then he goes, "excuse me, Amigo." (audience laughing) And I swear to God, out of nowhere, just start speaking Spanish. "Amigo." (speaking Spanish) The guy's like "Okay, sure." And he's like. (speaking Spanish) I'm like, "Dad, why are you speaking Spanish? We're at C

hipotle. Like this is not Home Depot." (audience laughing) So my my dad is a philosopher, right. My dad studies Confucianism. Like he's like a fortune cookie. He's just all wisdom, you know? So growing up, whenever I get in trouble, instead of beating me, he used to hit me with Proverbs and shit. Instead of like kicking me, he kicked me knowledge. You know what I'm saying? So in high school, I got caught shoplifting at the mall, at the job I worked at. And my dad had to pick me up from the mall.

There's a jail in the mall. Like if you get arrested, you have to go to a little mall jail. It's weird. (audience laughing) So my dad comes and picks me up. I'm just waiting to get like the out, like a putasos of my life. Like I'm just waiting. And instead of, he just looks me dead in the eye. He goes Junior (exhales) Can a donkey make love to a rabbit? (audience laughing) You're like, what the fuck (audience laughing) the fuck does that have to do with shoplifting. (audience laughing) Can a do

nkey make love to a rabbit? I was like, I don't know what that means. He goes, relax. You know why? It's not right. (audience laughing) And walks away dude. I sat on that shit for two years. Like, what does that mean? That's so abstract. (audience laughing) Like if you were to get in a fight with your girlfriend. You know, like let's say she's coming out, she's sideways. Just like calm the fuck down, okay. Can a chupacabra make love to an armadillo? (audience laughing) In a minute she's like, "W

hat, what? Just like, "It's a not right." And walked away dude. Make her think about that shit, dude. Don't get violent. (audience laughing) I don't know. So I did this show like not too long ago, right. And it had an open bar, so I'm getting wasted, right. And like we all guys, we've all been there before, right. It's like that moment where you're like, "Ah, should I drive home or not?" Like, you think you could wing it, but then, you don't know, like the Uber might be a little expensive, but y

ou're just kinda, I'm Chinese and I'm cheap, all right. I did not want to pay the $200 to get back to my house. It was like two hours away. So I was just kind of having that inner monologue, like, do you go, do you not. So I go to the bathroom to like take that last minute leak, before I get dibbed. And bro, I don't know if it was the shrooms I was on, all right. (audience laughing) I just imagined my dad's head in the toilet bowl. Like, have you seen the cartoon "Mulan," when she sees her own r

eflection? Like, I just saw an image of my dad coming to the surface. (audience laughing) I was just like, just looking right up at me, like should a water buffalo, (audience laughing) make love to a Guinea pig, you know. (audience laughing) and so, I flushed the toilet, and I just imagined him going, he's in the drain. Tell the toilet. I got up and got an Uber dude. That was the best $200 of my life. Say, "Thank you Dad. You're the best." (audience laughing) "Love that shit, dude." So my parent

s just celebrated their 37th year anniversary. Give it for them. (audience cheering) And seven years of it is, my mom hasn't even been on this earth anymore. And so I asked my parents, like I asked my dad on how he met my mom. He just broke it down, you know. He's like, you know, we met during the war. It was in 1941. I was like, "Oh my God, this is like 'The Notebook' in Chinese." (audience laughing) I always use a me, like, they had such a beautiful story. They came here from another country.

They had to migrate. If I were to send this guy to like Finland, to start a new life, yeah fucking right dude. Would you start a business and have. Like if you put me in China, I wouldn't know what the fuck to do. I'd be in the black market right now, getting like. Like, it was just such a beautiful story. You know, there was just so much that went into it. And I just realized like, what the fuck are we gonna tell our kids? Like our shit generation? "Dad, how'd you meet mommy?" It was like, "Wel

l, I was at the Colony Theater. (audience laughing) And daddy was in the restroom going number two. There was a lot of beautiful women for daddy to choose from. So I swiped rights, and me and mommy were a match. Then I put my credit card number." It's like, God, that's terrible. That is so bad. And he was showing me photo albums, like those photo albums, like we fucking had to wipe the dust off. And that just made me think like, God, yeah. He's from that old school day. Imagine sending it dick p

ic during my dad's day. You couldn't send a dick pic in 1984 dude. If you wanted to send a dick pic, you had to take a picture of your dick, and get the pic developed. Do you know what I'm saying? (audience laughing) Do you know how creepy that shit is, like while you're waiting on your Dick, there is a guy in a red room, developing your Dick, dipping it into some water, (audience laughing) It's on a clothesline pin full of other fucking families. It's got this guy's dog there, and lunch with gr

andma. And then he just like, gotta pick your dick out. Like these are my dicks, you know. (audience laughing) We didn't have Instagram guys. We had the photo wallet. Remember the photo wallet? Like your 10 best friends with glamor shot pictures. They'd be like back to back, smoke around, chola eyebrows. I mean all of that shit. (audience clapping) It's like that's all we do now. We want to follow everybody. Let me follow you on Instagram? What happened to following girls in real life? Do you kn

ow what I mean? Get some restraining orders. Take a fucking risk. Stock it up. Oh, I used to do you all kinds of creepy shit, just to get a phone number back in my day dude. Corner in the food court, you know. Hit it on the taco bell receipt really. I'd be like, "Just call me. My name is George. I'm just a little curious, you know." (audience laughing) Call me, holler at me and shit. You know how weird it was the next morning, she'd have to call you on a fucking house phone, bro. Do you guys rem

ember the house phone? A house phone where your mom would pick up the phone, and your name was never the name that you had at home dude. (audience laughing) My name is George Wayne, Jr, all right. Do you understand? I am insecure about my name for two reasons. First of all, I'm Wang, and I'm a Junior, all right. (audience laughing) You understand? (audience laughing) I went you to a Mexican grade school. The Cholos nicknamed me "little wang." That was tormenting as fuck. You don't know what it's

like coming out PE, two cholos dogging you you by fucking handball courts. The guy is nine-years-old, tattoo of the Virgin Mary on the neck. "Little Wang, what's up. Hey little Wang, what's up dog?" (audience laughing) "Little Wang, what's up dog? Little Wang, what's up?" Dude, if you say dog, one more fucking time, I'm gonna eat your dog, dude. I'll go fucking north. Stop saying dog dude. (audience clapping) I'm gonna what's up Little Wang what's up man? What's up broker, what's up dog? (audie

nce laughing) What's going on a little puppet? What's up dude? (audience laughing) How come we never get to see big mahoney? Like, I don't know. 'Cause he's probably in your mom, fuck her. Like, fuck you dude. It's not about size, it's about surprise, right. You understand? Once you go yellow, your kitty say hello. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Here's another thing, I got called a Chino so much, I thought it was my name in Spanish, right. It was horrible. So, at the time, if you went t

o a grade school in the 90s, it didn't matter if you were fucking Vietnamese, Cambo, Chinese, you got it the same as everyone else. They would run around you like a little, and they would sing a song. They had a song about all the chinos dude. You guys remember this song? I know Martha does, Maria's mom over here? (everyone laughing) (George speaking in foreign language) (audience clapping) Why are you guys clapping? What the fuck? Fuck that song dude. I would go home and my mom would be like, "

Junior what you learn in school today?" I'd be like (speaking in foreign language) And I found out what he meant. You know what I was telling my mom for 10 years? Chinese, Chinese, Japanese, eat my shit and don't give me any. I've been telling that to my mom. I've been telling my mom to eat my shit for like nine years. This is not an R. Kelly video, where we just shit and pee in each other's mouth, Jesus. (George speaking in foreign language) (audience member speaking in foreign language) (Georg

e speaking in foreign language) (audience member speaking in foreign language) (George speaking in foreign language) Like what Chinese guys have a buffet of shit with a Japanese guy. Like no more for you, no more this. This is all mine now. Belong to me. (chuckles) Stop. So back to my story of Juniors. It was so embarrassing right. 'Cause anytime a girl would like call the house, she'd just be like, "Hi, can I please speak to George?" And my mom would pick up, and she'd be like, "Okay, hold on,

hold on." Because it was a girl, so she gave a whole, like, "Hold on." It was like a little extra, "Hold on." I'd be like, "Mom, who is it?" "It's a lady, it's a lady. Baby, you have the big." "Mom, stop!" I would be so embarrassed, I would have to reply in Chinese, and be like, (speaking Chinese) "Hey, sorry about that. You know, my roommate is tripping shit." (audience laughing) There's no privacy dude. I used to break up too. Like I think Rob was talking about the note. That was how we broke

up with each other guys. It was between you and that person. Now what happens? We logon to Facebook, and the first thing you see, Amanda is single, right. 92 people like this. My dad likes this. I like this. (audience laughing) I didn't know he had a fucking Facebook account. Like I date those girls who won't tell you how they feel. They do all that indirection. It's like what the fuck, does like our breakup have to do with John 3:16. Do you know what I mean? It's like some Bible quote. So this

girl that I dated, she used to like to put up like YouTube links to describe how she feels. So every time she would hit me with like a music video. So there's one time she hit me, it was like some Taylor Swift song, right. I've never heard this song, but it goes like this. ♪ We should never, ever, ever get back together. ♪ Wow, like, I'm gonna hire you guys as backup singers the Comidas and the Taylor Swift. So, I was like, "Okay, all right, we shouldn't never get back. All right, all right." So

I was like, she wants to play a little psychological warfare, right. I was like all right, so I went into the lab, and I hit her back with some Chris Brown. (audience laughing) All right, no pun intended. You know what I'm saying? No pun intended. So when she presses play, it's like, ♪ These hoes ain't loyal. ♪ Do you know what I saying? (laughs) So she gets all inner gangster. Next thing you know, she's in the DM. Like, "Wait, what the fuck is that? What is that supposed to mean?" Everything's

all caps. She's all gangster, puts the caps lock on my ass. You know, fuck you. I was like, babe, I swear I typed this. Like, "Babe, calm the fuck down." Can a fucking rhinoceros make love to a chihuahua? (audience laughing) She's in a rage! (laughs) (audience laughing) How do I press Send? (audience laughing) Thank you guys so much for your time. Chinese people have big dicks. Have a good night. (upbeat Asian music) (audience cheering) (audience clapping) What, give it up. I guess you could ca

ll him "The big one," now, I guess. All right, how we doing? How we doing? (audience cheering) All right, it's my pleasure, bring up your next performer. She travels all across the country. Very talented, very funny. Give it up for Luz Pazos. Give it up. (upbeat music in foreign language) Thank you, yes please leave. I didn't want to see you. (audience laughing) It's okay, sorry, it's okay. It's your lady. She went to the restroom. Yeah, that's what I am. Yeah, you come back, okay. (audience lau

ghing) This is great to be here tonight, huh? In Burbank. (audience clapping) I actually was here last year, but I came after the show (audience laughing) to clean. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) What are you laughing at? You look like me, okay. You should be cleaning too. Shut up. This is cool, you know. Things are looking better now? You know, I am making $5 more an hour. (audience laughing) Is this better? (laughing) Listen guys, I was reading an article, and it says that 70% of seri

al killers are from the United States. So if you're on a date tonight, get all the drinks, and all the food you can get, because this must be your last meal tonight, okay. You don't know what will your date end today. (chuckles) I see a lot of Latinos tonight, right. A lot of Latinos, yes. (audience yelling) Latino couples, I can tell where you guys are. It's always the same kind of couple. It's always a gorgeous woman, right. Saying, you know, all over, sitting next to chubby guys. That's what

it is. Look at that shit there. I see you dude. (audience laughing) We like them like that, right? We like you chubby guys. Guys don't get offended because they know we like it. There is nothing sexier to Latina, than a guy that nobody else wants. (audience laughing) That's what happened here, right. (audience clapping) Yeah, that's why we cook and we clean. It's not because we love you guys, huh? Oh baby, stay on that couch, yeah. So you get fatter and fatter, and you'll never leave your couch

fucker. Oh, you want to go fuck around. Let's see how you perform after you return tomorrow? (audience laughing) Right? You remember when you were younger and skinnier, and now you look like El Chapo. (audience laughing) He's even dressed like a cartel dude, huh? Look at him. (audience laughing) This is real love. You know how hard it is for her to keep your cholesterol high enough, that you won't leave her, but you won't die either. (audience clapping) (laughing) That white guy's like that, rig

ht, that white guy. He's a little bit skinnier, don't care. Okay, keep it up dude, keep it up. (audience laughing) Guys, I'm from Peru, but I came to America the proper way in the trunk of a car. (audience clapping) All right. Peruvian, divorced, divorced, I'm divorced. Anyone else divorced in here? You too? Anyone else, congratulate, thank you, thank you. Yeah, if you're not divorced, it might happen one day. It's part of life. It happened to me, came out of the blue, you know. Things were grea

t, and one day I got my green card. (audience clapping) So, I just didn't need him anymore. (audience laughing) I want to get married again for the right reason, health insurance. (audience cheering) We need that shit. (audience clapping) You know, the Blacks and the Latinos are clapping. The white people are like, I don't understand. We are taught it's a gray hole system. I want to be like, I'm an American citizen, and recently became a citizen. I want to be like you white people. I want to be

proud of being American, right. White people are always yelling, like, America number one. America, the best country in the world! Yeah, calm down. Is it? (audience laughing) I heard in Cuba, people have universal healthcare. Oh, but here in America, we have Universal Studios. That's way cooler. (audience laughing) I guess it is way cooler, I know. You know what, it still bothers me when people say that immigrants come here to steal their jobs. All right, I hear that a lot. I have to tell you, I

didn't move here to steal people's jobs. I moved here just to still men with jobs, okay. That's why I moved to the beach for. (audience clapping) I didn't move all the way here to end up paying my own bills. That's ridiculous. I'm not a white girl, okay. You know what I'm talking about, right. White girls, you like to work. You just came from the office, huh? Shame, okay. (audience laughing) Shame on you, white girl, trying to work for your money. Fucking it up for me. I'm trying to take advant

age of a male, like it's supposed to be, right. Like everybody else, right. (audience laughing) It's hard today, nowadays in America, right, for ladies, ladies dating. You know the last guy I went on a day with, he was a Republican, and my pussy shut down guys. (audience laughing) That shit was shut down for 30 days back in February. (audience laughing) Back in business, (audience laughing) but it's brutal, okay. I don't know how many ladies are dating here. You guys have been in a committed rel

ationship for years. You don't know what it's like, but let me tell you. You know what's a date like in America nowadays, do you know? Going on a hike, guys. Yeah, that's the date in America. Men take you to exercise on a date. It's ridiculous, okay. This guy came to me. He was, "Hey Luz, have you ever been on a hike?" (audience laughing) And I was like, "Oh yes, every day in my country to get water." (audience laughing) "Loser." (audience laughing) Like, get your shit together, dude. Take me to

a mall. (audience laughing) That place is awesome, right girls? It has automatic doors, air conditioning. I walk in, I'm like, "Oh yeah, (nose sniffs) smells like progress here. (audience clapping) Shut up and get me a Wetzel Pretzel." (chuckles) (audience laughing) Then there happens by the way, okay guys. You know what happens there, they take me to Runyon Canyon. You guys been there, right. You guys, you look, they don't hike at all. So, you're cool with me. But there is actually some canyon

s here, where people hike, you know. Have you been to that place? It's like being in the border with Mexico all over again, okay. Running for my life. Have rattlesnakes around my feet, scared, and sweaty, and sneaky, and sticky. I smell like poverty. Oh no, Peru again. (audience laughing) Shitty, and the guy looks at me. He's like, "Luz, you look beautiful." And I'm like, "I don't need confidence. I need money, okay." (audience laughing) Buy me something at the mall cheapy. (audience laughing) T

hese guys, these guys. American women like to meet men at bars. That's what I notice. Do you guys know what I'm talking about, right, bars? I think that's wrong, okay. Girls don't do it anymore, because I don't feel you will find a boyfriend at a bar, right. I don't think you will do it. Everything at bars is about casual sex. Let's start with the name of the drinks. Sexual Healing, Orgasm, Sex on a Bitch. Yeah, dude, bitch, yeah. (audience laughing) Why don't they make drinks more appealing to

women? Like, buy me a purse first. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Or take me to the movies. Pay my rent on the rocks. (audience laughing) They like me, huh? I know, and you guys I really like. The enthusiasts, they like it, yes. And I feel like the worst part of meeting a guy in the situation at a bar is that he thinks he can not appropriate with you. Men like to send you vulgar pictures of them. Especially when they meet you at a bar. You know what kind of pictures I'm talking about? R

ight guys? You know that, right. You don't try it. The Gorditos, I'm looking at you guys. It's too sad, you know you have three inch. You have another tank here. You're not gonna be able. (audience laughing) Stop, stop, it doesn't turn women on. It doesn't turn me on. It doesn't turn anyone on. Maybe the black guys, you can give the them the show. (audience laughing) Yep, only once. Everybody else, stop. (audience laughing) You have to have a little bit of imagination if you want to do those thi

ngs, right. Let me tell you what picture that would turn me on, okay. A picture of a man sitting like this, in front of his desk. Now he's sitting like this, you know like this, in front of his desk, like, you know, like working. (audience laughing) All right, that turns me on, okay, that's hot. I'm like, oh yeah, baby, baby, yeah, get the promotion. (audience laughing) Yeah, give me your her big Christmas bonus. Give me your bonus. Oh, you really want to turn me on, send me a picture of your cr

edit score. (laughs) (audience clapping) Let's go to the white guy. I'm coming Kyle, I'm coming. That's for you. I don't know what your name is, so I had to call you Kyle. (audience laughing) All right, this has been fun guys. It's been so much fun. I'm going back to Peru in two days. I'm gonna go visit. So that's great. I'm gonna see my mother, huh, my Latino mom. (audience clapping) My mom is crazy, huh. I don't know you Black people. I'm sure you grew up with moms like Latina moms, right. My

mom was always beating the hell out of me. She was always yelling. Makes me wish I had a white mom sometimes, you know. Like Kyle here, right, white mom. (audience laughing) White women are awesome. They're always a spoiling their kids, okay. They say things like, "Oh, what would you like to do today, Trevor?" (audience laughing) Like the other day I saw a kid acting out towards his mom. She didn't really get mad. All she did is call her kid Mister. She said, "Look Mister, (audience laughing) it

looks like someone doesn't want a cookie." (audience laughing) Is that it? When my mom was mad, she was like, "Oh, yeah Luz, oh you get the (speaking in foreign language) (audience clapping) Which means Mister. (audience laughing) My mom used to hit me really hard. She used to hit me with the same thing that all Latino moms hit their kids with. You know what it is, it's like a-- [Audience Members] A chancla. A chancla, right. For the white people here, it's a flip-flop guys, for the Black peopl

e, it's a flip. Smart, let me tell you, it's not too big, so it won't kill the kid. Still knocks you out. You have to try that, you know. Like, you don't bleed from the outside, you bleed from the inside. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) It goes to your soul, and you grow up to be a standup comedian. (audience laughing) Or these five guys here, okay. (laughing) Right, that chancla. You got hit in the face. Look, this guy got hit in the face, but man, he got in there. He was supposed to be

pretty. Now he's all crushed here. (audience laughing) Chancla face. (audience laughing) Just kidding, just kidding. (audience laughing) Before I leave you guys, I recently found out that the life expectancy in America is longer than in Peru. So no way, I'm moving my mother here. (chuckles) Pay her back. Bitch. (laughing) Okay guys, thank you very much. Give it up for your host, whew. (audience cheering) (upbeat music in foreign language) Give it up, show me the love. (audience cheering) And it

's my pleasure to bring up your next performer, very talented man. I perform with him all the time. Let's give it up for Lil-Rob. Give it up, give it up, give it up. (upbeat music in foreign language) (audience cheering) (upbeat music) What's up? (audience yelling) I shouldn't have did that. I shouldn't have did that. I used to do that when I was younger all the time, but now that shit hurts my back. So it's getting old. Oh, now I gotta catch my breath before I start. (audience laughing) This is

good man, this is nice. It's good being here. It's better than being at home. No really, 'cause lately I've been at home. A little sad, a little down. Guys, I just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me. Yeah, my wife told me she saw her at the mall with some other guy. (audience laughing) That's not cool, and it's not the first time. She saw her there before, so I think it's over. Pretty much it's over. Might have to break up with her, 'cause she doesn't respect me. (audience laughing) I'm

loving the crowd man. This is a good crowd. We got Latinos in the house? (audience yelling) Calm down, focus, calm down. It's not a soccer game. (audience laughing) Oh, we got white people in the house. (audience yelling) Yeah. We got a few. I gotta be honest man, white people make me nervous. Last time I had white people sitting in front of me, I was found guilty. (chuckles) (audience laughing) That's not cool. I'm proud of being Mexican, but for a long time, secretly, I wanted it to be Black.

Where's my Black people at tonight? (audience yelling) Can you see, there they are, Black people. Black people are cool, man. They make everything cool. They make sounds. They make it look cool and shit. Woo, woo. (laughing) (audience laughing) I don't even know if I'm doing it right, but that's what they do, woo, woo. (audience laughing) And then they'd be naming that shit. Like this is called, raise the roof, and say woo, woo. (audience laughing) Raise the roof Lil-Rob. I can't reach it. (chuc

kles) (audience laughing) I wanted to be Black so bad, I turned in an application to the NAACP. It was denied. (chuckles) (audience laughing) I didn't know those fuckers had a height requirement, but really, I wanted it to be Black, 'cause I wanted to be a rapper. That was my dream. I wanted to be a gangster rapper, 'cause watching TV, I noticed that gangster rappers get all the girls, and they don't even have to be good looking. They still get all the girls, right. Look at JC. (audience laughin

g) Flavor Flav. (audience laughing) I thought I had a chance. (audience laughing) But now gangster rappers, they're thuggish and intimidating, and look at me. Who am I gonna intimidate? Nobody, huh? I think if I was a rapper, I would have been the guy singing. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was baller. (audience laughing) Thank you guys for laughing at my pain. (audience laughing) That's what I grew up with. So yeah, I couldn't be gangster rapper, 'cause I wasn't a thug, you know. Bu

t I should have been, 'cause I grew up in that type of environment. I grew up in a neighborhood where everybody was a criminal, everybody. As a matter of fact, one time I got attacked by a blind mugger. He was like, "Give me your wallet." (laughs) (audience laughing) I was like, "I'm over here, bitch. (laughing) (audience laughing) I ain't scared. I shouldn't have said nothing, 'cause that's how he found me, and that's when it got bad. He almost had me too, man. I had to pepper spray that white

cane to get away. Oh, I can't see. (chuckles) (audience laughing) I can't see you. No, he didn't say that. (audience laughing) You guys are going through hell with me for laughing at that. But I love doing comedy man. It's like the best job in the world. It's taken me to places I never thought I would go. I've been all over the country, man. You know, New York to L.A., from San Diego all the way to Seattle, and everything else in between. It's cool, everywhere. Like just recently, I was performi

ng in Vegas. You guys like Vegas? (audience cheering) Hell, yeah. What happens in Vegas. Stays in Vegas. Fuck no. (audience laughing) Not anymore. They got Facebook now, fuckers be tagging you for no good reason. That's what happened to me. I was like, damn bro, you tagged me. My girl's gonna check my page. I'm supposed to be in San Diego visiting my aunt. (chuckles) But not this time, this time I was behaving, 'cause I was working, and it was good, 'cause it was the first time they booked me fo

r four nights, and they paid me pretty good, right. But Vegas likes doing that. They like to give you money, 'cause they know they're gonna get it back. (audience laughing) I was like, hell no, I'm taking this money home. But it was four nights in Vegas. I did pretty good. Well I did pretty good for three nights. Bastards got me on the last night. I lost all my money on one slut, but she was fucking worth it. (laughing) (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Whew, she was worth it. A real nice

girl, real nice girl. She helped me out. Let me do anything I wanted, anything. She let me pull her hair. That's when I got into it. I was like, "What's my name? What's my name?" She said, "Customer." (audience laughing) That's a boot breaker, huh? You smutty girl, get outta here. But I love women. I love women. I just wish they would love me back, 'cause yeah man, when I was younger, I had a little bit of a hard time on the dating scene, you know, but not that bad. I figured out a way on how to

date a lot, and be in charge of the relationship. You know anybody with the same problem tended to do what I did, it works. I started dating nothing but chunky chicks. Chunky chicks, where you at? (audience yelling) See, they're out there. (chuckles) I got me like five chances tonight. (audience laughing) Chunky chicks are cool, man. If you've never had one, try one. They're nicer. They try harder. They treat you better. They treat you well. There you go. (audience laughing) And for some reason

, they always want to feed you. It's like, "You hungry?" (chuckles) "Not right now." Every 15 minutes on the dot. "You hungry?" (chuckles) "Not right now." You could be living at a restaurant. We just ate. (audience laughing) Hungry all the time, and during sex, "You hungry." "Not right now." (chuckles) (audience laughing) Chunky chicks are cool, man. Try one, they're nice. They always feel real good, they do. They always smell like treats and snacks. (chuckles) (audience laughing) I had a chunk

y chick ask me one time, "Can you guess my perfume?" "I don't know, fuck, Rocky Road?" (chuckles) (audience laughing) "How did you know?" "I bought you the damn ice cream." (audience laughing) "Plus you're wearing it all over girl, what's wrong with you?" Chunky chicks are cool man. One time I hooked up with this one chunky chick, right. Okay, she was fat, but they need love too, okay. I said, let me hook up with her. Let me be the best thing that ever happened to her. She'll never leave me, rig

ht. She tried though, she tried leaving me once. She got out of the car all pissed off. I'm leaving. She got about half a block away, and came right back gasping for air. (Lil-Rob gasping) "I was gonna leave you, but fuck, can't walk all the way home. You hungry?" (chuckles) (audience laughing) Those chunky chicks man, those chunky chicks for you. Fucking around with chunky chicks, I ended up with kids. I got two little mother fuckers at home. I hate them. (audience laughing) I do have twins man

, seven-years-old. It was cool, 'cause I got a boy and a girl. So that's cool, huh? Yeah, in one shot, I'm done. (chuckles) (audience clapping) My girl, man, she's beautiful, smart, funny. My son, I'm a little worried about my son, 'cause he can't stop playing with Barbie dolls, right. No, no, no, he's not gonna be gay. He's not, and if he is, fuck it, right. It's 2019. I love him just the same. Come your little cock sucker. (audience laughing) But he's not, he's not, he's not. He's gonna be a p

layer, a womanizer, right. He is, 'cause he sleeps with a different Barbie every night. (audience laughing) I don't know what he does. My son could be kinky. I asked him, "Son, why don't you playing with Barbie dolls?" He said, "Dad, they're all my girlfriends." Cool, that's a player, that's my son. (audience laughing) For daddy's sake, come on girlfriends, let's go shopping. (audience clapping) But he's not gonna be gay. Man, this is crazy. Kids are something else these days. I don't know if it

's just me, but let me ask you guys. Have you guys noticed that kids now today don't fucking listen anymore. They don't. You know, I got two at home, and I'm telling you, they don't listen for shit. And like I say, I can't tell them nothing, 'cause they're seven-years-old, and they're bigger than me now. (audience clapping) My kid's been trying to punk me man. I try though, I try to be a parent. "Come on kids, clean up your shit, clean up your damn room." "Say what?" "Nevermind, I'll clean it fo

r you." (audience laughing) "Sorry I interrupted your game." (chuckles) Yeah, like the other day man, I was gonna go to the mall to go pay a bill, and I grabbed the shirt from the couch. I thought it was mine. When I get to the mall, I'm getting some weird looks. Hey, everybody's looking at me like I'm weird. I didn't know I had a Justin Bieber T-shirt on. Fucking kids, pick up your damn shit. (audience laughing) They're something else. And women, women is a problem. I've been married for 17 yea

rs, or some shit like that. I can't even remember anymore, and I don't know, for some reason man, you know, the third year in, something like that, I became a punk man, I did. Like today, she fucking dressed me and shit. I didn't have no say in it. (audience laughing) Fellas, if you ain't doing it yet, don't do it. If you do it, I can't help you, but if you haven't done it yet, don't do it. Don't go fucking shopping with your wives. (chuckles) (audience laughing) Serious man, you gonna be held c

aptive for about 10, 12 hours, holding a fucking purse, and shit. (audience laughing) Yeah, the other day I wanted to go shopping, man. I wanted to go, you know, I'm driving. I drive an old car. I wanted to go get me a new car. So I said, "Fuck you, I'm gonna get me a new car." I told my wife, "Hey, I'm gonna go car shopping." She said, "Okay, you want me to go with you?" I fucked up. I said, "Yeah, if you want to go." She said, "I'll go with you." Ah fuck, so I went to the car dealer, and shit,

you know. I wanted to buy me a Mustang, a convertible Mustang, or a Corvette, anything that looked manly, right. Fucking came home with a minivan. (audience laughing) It's been eight months, and shit, I haven't fucking driven that minivan. I'm still driving my fucking old car. It's women, man. But you love them, you gotta love women. You know, since we're kids. I remember I started dating when I was like in the seventh grade. I thought I was the man. I said, "Man, I got me a little girlfriend a

nd shit." Because my friends didn't have one, so I thought I was a man, you know. I've got my little girlfriend, and then she broke up with me. Broke my heart, and they don't fucking break up with you, like go up to you, and just break up with you. They send you a fucking little letter, right. With their friends and shit. A Dear John letter. See, she knows what I'm talking about. I remember when the first time I got that letter, I looked at it, it said, "Dear John." I said, "Oh shit." I sent it

back. I says, "Wrong address, John don't live here." (audience laughing) She fucking sent it again, and I said, "Oh shit, it's for my friend John." And I gave it to John. (audience laughing) He opened it and read it. He was devastated. He hasn't been right since. I don't know what the fuck it said, but that's women, man. Women been treating you like that. Women are crazy, right? Who agrees with me, fellas? (audience yelling) Some of you, there's someone not saying it, 'cause your wife is right h

ere with you. (chuckles) (audience laughing) I get it, I get it, it's cool. But yeah, women are crazy man. It's different times and stuff. Oh man, I'm gonna get in trouble tonight, 'cause I think my wife is here. She came late. She somewhere in the audience. My mom, and my mom raised me. I was a mama's boy. I'm not gonna lie, and my mom man was crazy, but she was a gangster. My mom was gangster, like a real gangster, tattoos and everything. She had like two teardrops tattooed on the side of her

face. I think that means that she killed like two mother fuckers, right. (audience laughing) I was almost three, but my dad was fast. (chuckles) (audience laughing) My day could run, it's like the M-Dash. She almost got you this time. (chuckles) (audience laughing) Yeah man, my mama was crazy. But my mom later on, in her older age, she became a church lady, like a hardcore church lady. Like every Mexican mom, they do that. And she would call me every day. "Son, did you go to church?" I said, "No

, mom, I didn't go to church today." Every day, "Son, did you go to church?" "No mom, it's Wednesday" She said, "They have church on Wednesday." So one time she called me, I was in Seattle, Washington. I was performing out there, and then she called me. She goes, "Son, did you go to church?" And I said, "No, I didn't go." I said, "I'll go tomorrow." So one of the comics asked me, "Hey, you want to go to church with me tomorrow?" I said, "Yeah man, I'll keep you happy and make my mom proud." The

next day I went to church with her. As soon as I got out, I called my mom. "Mom, I went to church." She got mad. Apparently, I went to the wrong church. (chuckles) (audience laughing) I went to a Black church. (chuckles) (audience laughing) You guys never been, you guys need to go. They're nice. It's like going to a little mini concert, I swear. So I told her, "Mom," I said, "why do you get mad? Aren't we all Christians?" Her gangster came out in it. She said, "Well, we don't get along with them

. We don't get along with them." "Mom, it's not a gang. It's not, you know, 'cause I never seen kids building religious gangs behind their religious beliefs, right. But that would be funny to see kids out in the street going, "West Side Catholics." (audience laughing) "East Side Christians." (chuckles) (audience laughing) Or the white kid, "Scientology." (audience laughing) You can't leave them out. You know, nowadays you gotta include them in everything, our President says so. (audience laughin

g) Not our President. (audience laughing) Yeah, okay. Well that's the big advantage. He's not mine neither, but we gotta deal with him, anyways. I don't get political. I don't do any political jokes. The only thing that I was following was that immigration reform. 'Cause if that went south, that shit might affect me, and I'm to fucking old to be running from a little green van, 'cause they'll catch me this time. (audience laughing) And I don't know Latinos, but I think that wall, that wall's gon

na go up. That wall's gonna get finished. It is, sad to say. It's okay, you know, Mexicans, when it gets done, we're gonna be mad for a while, but we'll get over it. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) It's not like we haven't before. (chuckles) And then he wants Mexico to pay for it, right. You don't know Mexicans, we don't pay for shit. (audience laughing) We all got bad credit, we do man. Mexicans, you know, we all got bad credit, because of SGA. We don't pay for our cable bill. We don't

pay our child support. (chuckles) Fuck it, take my license. I'll take an Uber. (chuckles) (audience laughing) Yeah man, but that shit is crazy. I'm getting older, man. I had to change a lot of things I do. Well, I did, like I stopped getting into fights. I did, man. I used to get into a lot of fights, you know, but I stopped, 'cause I kept fucking losing and shit. (audience laughing) I had a terrible record, man. I was like, 0 and 34, or something like that. But I won my last fight. I did win my

last fight, you know, 'cause I got into a fight with a midget. (audience laughing) They couldn't really tell, 'cause we were about the same height. And when they found out I'm an asshole, 'cause I'm beating up on a midget, right. He started it. (audience laughing) He was trying to talk down to me. (chuckles) (audience laughing) So I kicked his ass. He said, we can't call 'em midgets anymore. It's not politically correct. I said, "Really, what do I call you?" He say, "You gotta call us little pe

ople." I said, "No mother fucker. Look at me, I'm little people. You're a fucking midget." (audience laughing) "You're trying to take my title and shit." But yeah, man, you know what? Things change, things change, like you know, the way you talk, the way you walk. That changes too. The way you have sex, that changes too, right. That just recently me and this girl, we started using Vaseline during sex. Not like that fuckers, not like that. Not like that, we're not that kinky. No, not like that. W

e put it on the doorknob to keep our kids from coming in. They'd be like, "Mom, mom." (audience laughing) (audience clapping) "There's something yuck on the doorknob again mom." The other day one of those little bastards almost came in. So we had to stop, we stopped. But she looked at me with love in her eyes, and she said, "Don't worry about it, baby. We'll finish up later. You hungry?" (laughing) (audience clapping) That's my time, and my name is Lil-Rob. (audience cheering) (audience clapping

) (upbeat music) Give it up, give it up for Lil-Rob, give it up, give it up! Give it up! It's my next pleasure to bring up the next performer. He performs all across the country. I perform with him all over. I like to call him a ladies' man. Let's give it up for Narcizo Gonzalez. Give it up, give it up. ♪ We don't care ♪ (bouncy energetic music) Hey, what's going to on? How are you guys? Yeah, yeah, ladies in the house, make some noise ladies. (female audience yelling) Oh my God, all these ladie

s, all these ladies, and I want none of this pussy. I'm sure you've figured it out. I'm a homosexual. (audience laughing) Gay and Mexican man, gay and fucking Mexican. Literally man, it might be us to be talking so much shit too. They're like, "Mija, when are you gonna get married, a boyfriend or a husband?" "When are you gonna get your fucking papers, fuck you." (audience laughing) See that one thing that's worried about my love life. I mean, let's worry your citizenship, you asshole. (audience

laughing) She's that one that comes for the summer, stays for 10 years, and shit. I love her though. My Theo Felia, she's like half chupacabra, but I love her though. (audience laughing) I love her now. She's my favorite man. Oh my God, gay Mexican man, I tell you. And I had no idea I was gay. Everyone else knew. They're like, "Dude, you're so gay." I'm like, "I am?" (audience laughing) Like, I thought it was fucking normal to fucking walk around like a gazelle, and do all this shit." (audience

laughing) "Shoe glitter." They're like, "No dick, you're a puta." Like, "You got me." I love it, man. They're always asking me, "Do you do hair?" "No." (audience laughing) "How about makeup?" "No, I don't do makeup either." My aunt literally, she's like, " Oh my God, my friend's gay. Do you know him?" I'm like, "Bitch, we don't know each other. (audience laughing) We're not like a traveling gay pride parade, just sprinkling glitter and shit." I love it though man. I'm gay, gay and Mexican. This

is awesome, I love it. I love the ladies. I did sleep with a girl one time. Ladies, you're beautiful, but that's just disgusting. (audience laughing) And it was in high school. She was so aggressive, and she was like, "Put your fingers in there." I'm like, "No, let's talk first, I'm nervous, fuck." (audience laughing) And she's like, "Come on, just put your fingers in my crotch." I started just banging this bitch out. Like I'm gonna take it. I was like, "Oh my God." Ladies, what is that little

thing that's hanging out ladies? What is that thing, you guys? Hers was 11, but does you pussy have a stroke? What's going on bitch? (audience laughing) I'm like, "Where is your brother?" Fuck that. (audience laughing) I'm telling you man, I'm good. Thank you. I'm good man. Fuck you man. I love you man. I just had a birthday, I turned 42-years-old. It's crazy. (audience yelling) I never thought I'd say this, but I'm like, just wait til you get older. It's true. I mean I dropped $20 a couple of d

ays ago. I'm like, you know what, fuck it. I don't need it. Like you're not fucking with my sciatica, uh-uh. I'm like, homeless dude, it's your day, have fun. Love you man. Homeless people man, I have a couple issues with them man. They're always approaching me. Do you have any cash? No, I was pumping gas. This guy's like, 'Yo, yo, yo." I'm like, "Fuck man, am I in a a rap video? What's happening?" He's like, "Do you have any cash on you?" Let's see, when did they go from change to cash? Like wh

at's next? You want a gift card? (audience laughing) He's like, "If you give me $10, I'll do all your windows." I'm a nice gay guy. I hand him a $10 bill. He does one window, and he fucking runs off. I'm like, "Where are you going homeless guy?" He's like, "I'm going on break." You take breaks? (audience laughing) What the fuck, you gave up on life. What the hell is going on man? I went to the grocery store, he's there. He said, "What's up gay guy?" Like, "What's up homeless guy." He's like, "I'

m hungry." I'm like, "Me too. Like, what do you want, dude?" He's like, "I want some cereal and some milk." I'm a nice gay guy, I go inside the store. I come out, I'm like, "Here you go homeless dude. Here's your cereal and your milk. God bless you." He's like, "I don't want that shit." I'm like. "What happened homeless guy? You said you wanted cereal and milk." He said, "I want Kashi." (audience laughing) "You want whole grains? You want to shit out that fiber? You don't have a toilet you fucki

ng asshole." (audience laughing) (audience clapping) He's like, "Fuck you fagot." (audience laughing) I'm like, "Fuck you homeless guy. Give me back my shit." And I was a dick. I ate all that shit in front of him, and skip another meal puta. (audience clapping) Fucking homeless people, man. I'm telling you, man, I love you man. This is awesome. This is good stuff. Can you believe the year's coming to an end, and not one fucking Kardashian has died? (audience laughing) I hate that family. I hate

them. They're so rich and famous, and they do nothing to contribute to society. It's crazy to think about that shit. My niece, she's 14-years-old. She's like, "Theo, when I get older, I want to be a Kardashian." I'm like, "You want to be a whore and fuck Black guys?" I'm like, "Look at my life." And they're always competing with each other. Think about that you guys. She's so rich and famous. Sir, she sucked one dick, one dick, and she got rich and famous. Do you know how many fucking dicks I've

sucked? Am I rich rich and famous? (audience laughing) I have sucked a lot of dick, sir, and I'm good at it. Look into my eyes, you're falling in love. (audience laughing) I felt your energy, sir. Like you just like climaxed, and shit, all of a sudden. It's crazy, man. This is awesome. They're always competing with each other. Have you noticed? The sisters, one sister's like, "I have a makeup line." The other she's like, "I have one too." The real winner's the fucking dad. The dad's like, I'm b

uying a pussy. Fuck you guys, 'cause I'm going for gold. (audience laughing) Fuck that, man. This is awesome, man. Latinos in the house, make some noise at the end of the day. I feel you guys. (audience yelling) You can smell. God it's hot up here. I fucking feel like Alfons Sorg, just fucking spinning. (audience laughing) Fuck, it's crazy man. I love it man. I love Latinos. I love cholos. I fucking love cholos man. Those are gangsters. I'm sure you guys know. I fucking love cholos. When did the

y retire? (audience laughing) When did they fucking retire? It's like is there a 401k behind the whole bunch of mother fuckers. I have so many cholo cousins. Like, what do you guys do for fun all day? (speaking in foreign language) (audience laughing) He's like we fucking gang bang all day, (speaking in foreign language). You gang bang all day? Oh my God, how fun. (audience laughing) He's like, "Nah puta, not your kind of fucking gang bang." (audience laughing) I was ready. I'm like, they call m

e (speaking in foreign language) Let's go. (audience laughing) That one baby tear. I'm like, "Stop crying puta, I got you." That's so gay. I love it. I can't take you serious cholo, when you got ruby red lips on your neck, that's gay. There's gay shows out there. Have you seen them? Gay cholos, homo homies. (audience clapping) They're out there homo homies, I swear. I was at a club recently, getting my fucking Britney Spears on. He's like, "He's right here." He's like, "And your (speaking in for

eign language) (audience laughing) It's all spelling shit. Your (speaking in foreign language) I'm like, "I didn't hear you, tell me again." But I noticed on his shirt, on his fucking chest, he had this shit that said, "In loving memory, with no fucking name on it, I was like, "What the fuck happened? They run out of ink?' (chuckles) (audience laughing) He's like, "Nah, I'm just waiting for the homie to die." I'm like, "Damn, you're not a nice cholo man." It's just crazy, man. This is beautiful

man. I love all the ladies. This is awesome. Fuck yeah. This is fun times. My name's Narcizo Gonzalez, you guys. God that is so wetback. (audience laughing) I actually grew up in Burbank, so I'm from this fucking city. I grew up with all white people. Like seriously, like how hard is it to fucking name a Mexican. I would have taken Juan, Jose, Maria, per one, two or three. (audience laughing) I got Narcizo, and my name actually means beauty, and graceful, and gay. (audience laughing) My parents

were like, go struggle puta. So gay man. Parents, you gotta be good to your kids when you name your children. You guys always name your kids all these New Age names. I was at the park recently with my nephew. Like, "Nicholas, let's go me mija." The dad next to me was like, "Cinderella." (audience laughing) I go, fuck that's magical. (audience laughing) I'm thinking she's gonna fly in on the fucking Disney carpet, like a princess. She walked in like a fucking (speaking in foreign language) bitch.

I'm like, "You name her Cinderella, when she's half gargoyle. Fuck that kid. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) She was an ugly kid. We gotta stop lying. Not all kids are beautiful, fuck 'em. Hopefully smart finds a cure. I don't fucking know. That's crazy, man. That's fucking insane. (audience laughing) I love it man. Kids are so expensive too. They want everything. My nephew, his birthday lists. He's like, "Theo, I want an iPad air, a drone, some camping gear." I'm like, "Fuck, are you a

terrorist?" (audience laughing) What the fuck is happening, dude? It's crazy, man. It's insane. I love it man. Where are my weed smokers at? Weed smokers, where are you at? (audience yelling) Yeah, everyone's always smoking weed. That's the thing to do. Everyone's smoking weed. It's fine, and do you notice weed smokers are always sharing their shit. Hey, I got the best weed. Like they're always challenging each other. Like, who's got the best marijuana. I don't smoke weed. It's not my thing. Bu

t I'm saying, if you're gonna be sharing your shit, tell me what you're giving me. My friend Robert gave me a fucking little baby edible. He said, "Just have fun." I'm fucking dancing, doing my thing, and I just fucking stopped. (audience laughing) Hey Robert, I don't know what's happening. I think I have a stroke going on. He's like, "Dance it off." And I'm like, "All right." I said, "What the fuck is happening to me, man?" It was so weird. My drive from the club is 20 minutes. It took me four

fucking hours. (audience laughing) I took like 23 naps. What the fuck is happening, man? You gotta tell people what you're sharing, weed people. It's crazy, man. It's fucking insane. Love it. This is beautiful. We're all connecting. I love this. We don't connect anymore. No one's connecting. Everyone's too cool. Everyone's on Instagram and Facebook trying to be models. Think about that shit. I just wish these social apps were being more honest. Imagine instead of a Like button on Instagram, ther

e was a Lies button on Instagram. (audience laughing) You're laughing, 'cause you're probably a fucking liar on that shit. See, everyone's always lying on that shit, dude. We all have that one friend, that always talk about their love life, their relationship. Me and my babe going 10 years strong, hashtag love. hashtag forever, hashtag lies bitch. He's fucking me. (audience yelling) Fucking liar. (audience laughing) The parents are always talking about their children. We're at the happiest place

on earth, Disneyland, hashtag best kids, hashtag my kids are better than yours. Hashtag lies bitch. You're fucking gremlin children. Fuck those kids. (audience laughing) It's crazy man. Last but not least, that one friend that just started working out. We know that bitch, right. (audience laughing) Hashtag beach body ready. (audience laughing) Hashtag all my fitness. (audience laughing) Hashtag you're so fat bitch, fuck you. I'm telling you man, start being honest. Just let people be. If you're

gonna share, share your fucking credit score. (audience laughing) Tell us the real shit we want to see. You know what I mean? It's crazy, man. I will share with you guys, I just lost 70 pounds. (audience cheering) Yeah, that's crazy. (audience clapping) It's crazy, I lost 70 pounds. I still want eat to everything, but fuck, it's hard man. I started doing CrossFit. That's just hard. But the guy training me, he's fine. (audience laughing) I'm like, I'll do anything. Dick is just swinging. I'm lik

e, "Oh my God, keep going." He's my favorite. I love him. First thing he tells me, "Narcizo, you got this. You're a soldier. I need you to move a tire from here to there." I'm like, "Well, let's call AAA, you fucking asshole. Who moves a tire on the first day of working out. He's like, "How do you feel Narcizo?" I'm like, "I don't know Dick, my heart stopped three times, but God's not ready for me. He let me stay." And ladies, you're my favorite when you guys go on diets, 'cause you always start

on Monday. (audience laughing) Have you noticed that? It's okay bitch, we start Monday, but tonight we're gonna 47 enchiladas. (audience laughing) You wake up swollen from all that salt, like did I have a stroke, what the fuck? I love it man. And I grew up in the 80s, man, when kale was the shit you didn't touch. Why is kale 8.99 a pound now? Fuck you. Like my mom's like, "Mijo, don't touch that, that's poison." Now I'm juicing that shit. I started juicing. God, it's disgusting. It's like, fuck

, I'd rather have diabetes. Fuck that. (audience laughing) It's crazy, man. This is fucking awesome. Love the ladies, man. This is awesome. This is beautiful. Fuck it is hot up in this bitch. I feel like Martia, a fucking Zumba class. Go on Mijo, the horn. (audience laughing) Fuck, it's hot up here bitch man. This is awesome. This is beautiful, man. I love it. This is fun times. I always wanted a Quinceanera. (audience laughing) God I wanted a Quinceanera so bad. Just imagine that shit. Me in th

at big beautiful dress. I can never walk in it. The next day I'm pregnant, it's a twofer. (audience laughing) Haven't you noticed? So he's pregnant like the next month. Bitch, now we're having a baby shower for you bitch. (audience laughing) I love it man. Birthdays are so expensive too, man. I paid $12 for a fucking hallmark greeting card. $12, I mean you guys are jacking us Hallmark. And all it said was "Happy Birthday," no glitter. Well, where the fuck's my glitter? Give me my god damn glitte

r. I'm telling you man. And for me, like I never celebrated my birthdays, 'cause I didn't know. Like, I grew up poor. You know what I mean? It's crazy. I just wanted like a normal birthday party, like pizza and hot dogs. First-generation Mexican, man. I always have (foreign language) A fucking goat was killed in my honor. (audience laughing) It's like, when my birthday would come, my dad's birthday, it's 5:00 a.m., and him and his fucking Tapatio friends are yelling (speaking in foreign language

) and shit. (audience yelling) (audience clapping) I said, "What the fuck is happening?" I just wanted a normal birthday party, man. That's crazy, man. I love my dad, my dad. My dad's awesome, man. It's crazy. He passed away like two years ago, and I never understood why we didn't get along. I was like, dad, I have three sisters. And I'm like, you finally got the boy you wanted. (audience laughing) He was like, "I know puta." (audience laughing) He's crazy, man. I love him though. He talked a lo

t of shit. Even in his dying days, he was always talking shit. But I got him back. As he's dying, the nurse, his name is Brian. Brian is gay. My dad's looking at me like, this mother fucker set this up. (audience laughing) He was so mad at me. He's like fucking Narcizo, even in my dying days you're gonna come after me. Brian would walk in like, "Victor, it's time to clean you up." (chuckles) (audience laughing) My dad would be like (foreign language) (audience laughing) Always mad and shit. He's

the best old man. He taught me a lot of stuff, how to value myself. How to talk shit. How to be angry. He's always angry, man. I connected with him by buying a truck. 'Cause I was like, I have to show him that I'm masculine, and I could do this. And that truck was so expensive and fucking gas. (audience laughing) I was like, fuck your love. I don't want you. (audience laughing) It's was hard, man. It was crazy. This is awesome. Thank you for coming to my Quinceanera. Thank you so much. (audienc

e laughing) (audience clapping) I'm loving it. I think those are fires. This is fun. Fucking weed smokers up there. If you can smell the weed up there. (audience laughing) Awesome, this is good stuff. I love you ladies. Ladies are my favorite. I do like the ladies. But ladies, why do you guys all look alike? Why do you have the same makeup? What's up with your eyebrows ladies? Fuck. When did that become the trend, that you're like all gremlins and shit. When you're on the eyebrows and shit. When

did that become that eyebrow, that fucking Nike swish sign. What the fuck? (audience laughing) Look around bitch. I'm probably talking about you. (audience laughing) What the fuck is up with those eyebrows? And then you're all contouring now. (chuckles) Contour girl, contour. I love the ladies man. I love it. I had three sisters, and they all talked shit. Shut up dude, you're gay. Yeah, very gay, so gay. Being gay, like I'm not one of those like gays that gets mad when you call me a fag. So I'm

not that dude. Like there's levels of gay, like I'm gay, and there's gay, and there's gay! Like I'm not one of those theater gays, like Fau Fossey. Like I'm not that guy, you know. If I could take a dick, I could take a punch. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) All the fellows are like, oh fuck you gay guy. I'm down puta. I love it man. I like sports though, I do. I like football. You would never think that of me. But I do, I do like football. It's fun. I feel like if I was a football play

er, I would want to be a really good tight end, and a really good receiver. (audience laughing) 49ers all day. (audience laughing) Packers, pack the shit in. Fucking Raiders, I feel like it's Raider Nation, up in this bitch. Like when the cholos are out dude. I just like standing like this for fun. (audience laughing) It's fun man. And ladies you're always saying like, get yourself a gay best friend. No don't, we want to fuck your man. (audience laughing) I'm sharing. Is this your husband? Is th

is your husband? Well, you're my husband tonight, see. See how this works, sir? I love it, man. This is fun. Music, what's going on with music? Music's crazy right now. I thought about shit. Like, I grew up in the 80s, like to Keith Sweat, Champion King. That was my shit dude. Going hard. Like I could make love to music back in the day. I can't fuck you now, to the music we hear now. (snorts) (audience laughing) I can't fuck you, do like you it? (snorts) Baby. (audience laughing) You feeling tha

t dick? (snorts) Yes baby. It's like a fucking personal attack. It's crazy, man. This is fucking awesome. I love this place. (audience laughing) God, I'm so horny right now. Before I leave though, you guys, like, this is beautiful. We're all here to just laugh, have a good time, you know. You know you gotta connect. Just start connecting. Smile, it's free. See what I mean? Just smile and have a good time. Live your life. Live your life, sir. If you want to get on stage, and pull your dick out, f

ucking, let's do it. (audience laughing) My name's Narcizo Gonzalez, you guys. Thank you so much for having me guys. Thank you so much. Keep it going to for your host Victor. (upbeat music) Give it up, give it up. Show 'em love, show 'em that love. I want to thank you for being the best audience that you could be. We had a great time. I want to introduce my friends one more time, and we want to thank you for being a great audience. Give it to 'em. What's love? Thank you, thank you, thank you. (a

udience clapping) ♪ Money, I need the money ♪ ♪ Do you think it's funny ♪ ♪ But when I get the cash no buy my things ♪ ♪ You say you want ♪ ♪ You say you want ♪ ♪ I won't give you nothing, no, no ♪ ♪ Keep doing your hunting ♪ ♪ Til somebody else ♪ ♪ That they give you the riches you wanted ♪ ♪ I know you're spoiled ♪ ♪ You always expected the world ♪ ♪ But when you got cut off ♪ ♪ You still wanted diamonds and pearls ♪ ♪ So you kept looking, looking, looking, that is all ♪ ♪ Rely on others that

you plan or that she go ♪ ♪ She told me I should ♪ ♪ And try to win my bros ♪ ♪ I'd like to make a change ♪ ♪ You know you'll go running from mum ♪ ♪ Addicted to a lot of clothes ♪ ♪ You came backstage on the shows ♪ ♪ When they find out who is the real you ♪ ♪ They kicking you out the door ♪ ♪ My girl she couldn't relate ♪ ♪ She making the biggest ♪ ♪ Take me on dates ♪ ♪ She know other people like you try to get in my head ♪ ♪ Because y'all learn to hate ♪ ♪ I try to keep it more low ♪ ♪ Becau

se if I get mad ♪ ♪ And you won't have a face ♪ ♪ That you would at 22 ♪ ♪ If you want to run fast then tie up your lace ♪ ♪ I need the money ♪ ♪ You think it's funny ♪ ♪ But when I get the cash nobody thinks ♪ ♪ You say you want to move ♪ ♪ I won't give you nothing, no, no ♪ ♪ Keep doing your hunt ♪ ♪ 'Cause somebody else ♪ ♪ That he give you the riches you wanted ♪ ♪ I know you're spoiled ♪ ♪ You always expected the world ♪ ♪ But when you got cut off ♪ ♪ You still wanted diamonds and pearls ♪

♪ So you kept looking, looking, looking for the gold ♪ ♪ Rely on others there's no plan that she goes ♪ ♪ That she goes ♪ ♪ That she goes ♪