The Phantom Luncheon | Saki (H. H. Munro) | A Bitesized Audiobook

[Music] hello and welcome to bite-sized audio on YouTube I'm Simon Stanhope actor audiobook narrator and curator of this channel on the channel you can hear my narrations more than a hundred to date and more to come of classic short stories mostly from the Victorian and Edwardian eras including vintage ghost stories detective stories and other classic Tales of mystery and suspense to accompany the narrations I'd put a short profile of the authors in the video description as well as some general

background notes on the stories for those who'd like to know more if you enjoy this content please hit subscribe like share leave a comment if you'd like to and thank you for listening [Music] thank you the Phantom luncheon by Saki the Smith lid dubs are in town said to James now I wish you would show them some attention ask them to lunch with you at the Ritz or somewhere from the little I've seen of the smithley dubs I don't think I want to cultivate their acquaintance said lady Drac Mountain t

hey always work for us at election times said her husband I don't suppose they influence very many votes but they have an uncle who is on one of my ward committees and another Uncle speaks sometimes at some of our less important meetings those sort of people expect some return in the shape of hospitality expected exclaimed lady drag Mountain the Mrs smithley dab do more than that they almost demand it they belong to my club and hang about the lobby just about lunchtime all three of them with the

ir tongues hanging out of their mouths and the sixth course look in their eyes if I were to breathe the word lunch they would hustle me into a taxi and scream Ritz or diadones to the driver before I knew what was happening all the same I think you ought to ask them to a meal of some sort persisted Sir James I consider that showing Hospitality to the smithley dubs is carrying free food principles to a regrettable extreme said lady drachmanton now I've entertained the Joneses and the brands and th

e snapheimers and the lubricovs and heaps of others whose names I forget but I don't see why I should inflict the Society of the Mrs smithley dab on myself for a solid hour imagine it 60 Minutes more or less of unrelenting gobbled and gabble why can't you take them on Millie she asked turning hopefully to her sister I don't know them said Millie pastily all the better you can pass yourself off as me people say that we are so alike that they can hide it at us apart and I've only spoken to these t

ires some young women about twice in my life at committee rooms and bowed to them in the club any of the club page boys will Point them out to you they're always to be found lolling about the hall just before lunchtime my dear Betty don't be absurd protested Millie I've got some people lunching with me at the Carlton tomorrow and I'm leaving town the day afterwards what time is your lunch tomorrow asked Lady drag Mountain reflectively two o'clock said Millie good said her sister the smithley dub

s shall lunch with me tomorrow it shall be rather an amusing lunch party at least I shall be amused the last two remarks she made to herself other people did not always appreciate her ideas of humor Sir James never did the next day lady drachmanton made some marked variations in her usual toilet effects she dressed her hair in an unaccustomed Manner and put on a hat that added to the transformation of her appearance when she had made one or two minor alterations she was sufficiently unlike her u

sual smart self to produce some hesitation in the greeting which the Mrs smithley dub bestowed on her in the club Lobby she responded however with a Readiness which set their doubts at rest what is the Carlton like for lunching in she asked breezily the restaurant received an enthusiastic recommendation from the three sisters let's go and lunch there shall we she suggested and in a few minutes time the Smith lit up mind was contemplating At Close Quarters a happy Vista of baked meats and approve

d vintage are you going to start with cavihar I am confided lady drag Mountain and the smithley dubs started with caviar the subsequent dishes were chosen in the same ambitious spirit and by the time they had arrived at the wild duck course it was beginning to be a rather expensive lunch the conversation hardly kept pace with the brilliancy of the menu repeated references on the part of the guests to the local political conditions and Prospects in sir James's constituency were met with vague pas

s and indeeds from lady drachmanton who might have been expected to be specially interested I think when the insurance Act is a little better understood it will lose some of its present unpopularity hazarded Cecilia smithley dub will it I dare say I'm afraid politics don't interest me very much said lady drachmanton the three Miss smithley dubs put down their cups of Turkish coffee and stared then they broke into protesting Giggles of course you're joking they said not me was the disc inserting

answer I can't make head or tail of those bothering ill politics never could and never want to I've quite enough to do to manage my own Affairs and that's a fact but exclaimed Amanda smithley Dub with a squeal of bewilderment breaking into her voice I was told you spoke so informingly about the insurance act at one of our social evenings it was Lady Drac Mountain who stared now do you know she said with a scared look around her rather a Dreadful thing is happening I'm suffering from a complete l

oss of memory I can't even think who I am I remember meeting you somewhere and I remember you asking me to come and lunch with you here and that I accepted your kind invitation beyond that my mind is a positive blank the scared look was transferred with intensified poignancy to the faces of her companions but you asked us to lunch they exclaimed hurriedly that seemed a more immediately important point to clear up than the question of identity oh no said the vanishing Hostess that I do remember a

bout you insisted on my coming here because the feeding was so good and I must say it comes up to all you said about it a very nice lunch it's been what I'm worrying about is who on Earth am I I haven't the faintest notion you are lady drag Mountain exclaimed the three sisters in chorus now don't make fun of me she replied Crossley I happen to know her quite well by sight and she isn't a bit like me and it's an odd thing you should have mentioned her but it so happens she's just come into the ro

om that lady in black with the yellow plume in her hat there over by the door the smithley dubs looked in the indicated Direction and the uneasiness in their eyes deepened into horror in outward appearance the lady who had just entered the room certainly came rather nearer to their recollection of their member's wife than the individual who was sitting at table with them who are you then if that is Lady Drac Mountain they asked in panic stricken bewilderment that is just what I don't know was th

e answer and you don't seem to know much better than I do you came up to us in the club in what club the new didactic in Calais Street the new didactic exclaimed lady drag mountain with an air of returning illumination thank you so much of course I remember now who I am I'm Ellen niggle of the ladies brass polishing Guild the club employs me to come now and then to see to the polishing of the brass fittings that's how I came to know lady dragment and I sight she's very often in the club and you

are the ladies who so kindly asked me out to lunch funny how it should all have stepped my memory all of a sudden the unaccustomed good food and wine must have been too much for me for the moment I really couldn't call to mind who I was good gracious she broke off suddenly it's ten past two I should be at a polishing job in Whitehall I must Scuttle off like a giddy rabbit thanking you ever so she left the room with a Scuttle sufficiently suggestive of the animal she had mentioned but the giddine

ss was all on the side of her involuntary hostesses the restaurant seemed to be spinning round them and the bill when it appeared did nothing to restore their composure they were as nearly in tears as it is permissible to be during the lanchana in a really good restaurant financially speaking they were well able to afford the luxury of an elaborate lunch but their ideas on the subject of entertaining differed very sharply according to the circumstances of whether they were dispensing or receivin

g hospitality to have fed themselves liberally at their own expense was perhaps an extravagance to be deplored but at any rate they had had something for their money to have drawn an unknown and socially and remunerative Ellen niggle into the net of their Hospitality was a catastrophe that they could not contemplate with any degree of calmness the smithley dubs never quite recovered from their unnerving experience they have given up politics and taken to doing good [Music] thank you 've been lis

tening to a bite-sized audiobook read by me Simon Stanhope if you'd like to help me to keep producing new content you can find links in the video description to my patreon page or to buy me a coffee another way to support me is through my bandcamp page bite-sizedaudio.bandcamp.com where you can hear my narrations of many more classic short stories and you can also purchase and download them to keep this recording is copyright bite-sized audio 2023 thank you for listening [Music]