give me a w if you've heard of the term the seven signs of aging it's quite a lot you for those of you haven't let me tell you what they are the seven signs of agent are this dark spots wrinkles saggy skin dry skin dull skin and visible pores and the reason they're all skin related is because this is what we're told by skin care companies this is not what my seven signs of agent are I've written them down for you let me tell you this is my seven signs of age number one you have more baths than s
howers mostly because you got more time but also because sometimes things need a steep number two the menopause which mostly affects women but can affect some men who live with the women who are going through the menopause and to those men I say boo [ __ ] who one thing you might not know is that before the menopause there something called the Perry menopause and before that is the Peri Perry menopause where you still got the hot sweats but they smell of lemon and Herb some of you are pretending
you're too Posh for a nandoo joke which is hilarious given where we are number three your neck people look at your neck NE a lot more after he hit 40 my neck is fine thanks very much all I have and it's nothing medical it's nothing to worry about is a line that goes across it from left to right what it looks like it looks like I was beheaded a long time ago and it's healing really well the only trouble I ever get from my neck is that every now and again that line needs a little dust number for
piles give us a cheer no don't don't I occasionally suffer from piles how I know they're bad is that my farts sound different number five you need a weekly tablet box give me a woo if you like me use a weekly tablet box Lords of you sometimes it's the only way I know what day is oh Tuesday's tablets must be [ __ ] Tuesday when I collect my tablets from the chemist they fill a shopping back they full a [ __ ] shopping back now the last time this happened I bumped into a woman that I know I'd call
her a friend but I wouldn't mean it we've all got those people haven't we you know those people you don't remember how you got them in your life you don't know how to get [ __ ] rid of them she's one of those she's not a nice lady she makes me feel uncomfortable but I bumped into her she pointed to my thankfully unmarked shopping bag and she said e have you been treating yourself and I just said yeah cuz I thought what's the alternative what I really want to say is oh no in here are some anxiet
y meds that make this [ __ ] conversation bearable also if we do have any really young people in the room a pill box is not what you take to a nightclub different thing although if you are in a nightclub it's still important to take your meds isn't it my thyroids not going to start working just cuz I've had a hooch is it no number six your skin people look at your skin when you're born and they're nothing for 40 years and then everybody's got a [ __ ] opinion about your skin friend of mine said
your Skin's nice I said thank you she said can I ask a question I said sure she said do you use fillers now I'm about to tell you something that you might find a little bit disappointing in me because I said yes it's true I do use fillers they're not the traditional kind I call them cakes and pies I put poison in your face when you could put lovely things in your mouth just don't understand the logic I really don't I do like to buy skin care I refuse however to buy anything that calls itself ant
i- wrinkle cuz I myself am not anti- wrinkle I've got wrinkles I get more it's absolutely fine I'm not going to spend 30 quid on something that reckons it stops [ __ ] time I'm not doing that I buy moisturizer for the same reason we all buy moisturizer because Isn't it nice to feel a little bit slippy before bedtime the last time I bought skincare the website I bought it from said because you've spent over x amount of money and to a free sample choose one of the following things will sended on g
reat aiv freebie the one I chose though was purely out of curiosity because it was called youth serum and I thought what the [ __ ] is youth serum are they going to send me the skin of a child to lie over my own and then I thought what if it looks like teddy bear ham I [ __ ] love teddy bear ham and then I thought how youth are we talk and then we're going to get pulled over by the police for I'm driving my car and they're going to go how are you driving this and I'm going to go I'm 47 I'm just
covered in teddy bear hamlock but also youth serum to me sounds too much like teenage boys jizz your sheets are covered in youth serum Jamie you dirty [ __ ] bastard I imagine there's factories just teenage lad lined up after teenage L just droing one out to a catalog and number seven on my list of the seven signs of agent is [ __ ] you it's a privilege to get old cuz not everybody gets the [Music] chance and I don't just mean people we've lost I also mean people like Madonna Stay with me so whe
never Madonna pops up on my Instagram I always feel bad for her poor Madonna why isn't she allowed to to get old doesn't seem fair that we're all allowed to get old and she isn't I would like to never see Madonna again CU then I can imagine she's retired she's clocked off she's sitting on the sofa in like stained jogging bottoms watching escape to the country on a loop may she Pops to be cute she just have to one of those Garden kner pads you know the garden kner pads doesn't even cross her mind
she could use it for [ __ ] doesn't even cross her B CU she's retired she could hang a crucifix back up on the wall instead of jamming it in her Fanny like she did when I saw her at the Manchester Arena that time I'm sure Jesus would be relieved and he's been in some tough spots as we know she could reappropriate a corn bra for when people come around turn it upside down crisps in one nuts in the other I think it might be because she's in America I think if she was over here we treat her better
I think if she's over here the rest of her career would pan out as follows I think she do six months behind the bar at the queen Queen Vic that you do a regional theater tour of calendar girls with two loose women in an Orland and finally she would [ __ ] a professional dancer sorry do strictly you do you do have to spare a thought for the people who aren't allowed to get old I for one can't wait to let myself go a bit more thanks for watching you know what would be great is if you liked and su
bscribed I'm so NY I'm so sorry H and why not come and see me live and the tickets are available at s.c. put the kettle on and settle in
Comments