Trying To Eat Healthier

sometimes I'll watch reruns of To Catch A Predator just to remind myself I'm not that bad. It's a good strategy. You ever feeling down about yourself, throw on To Catch A Predator, watch those idiots walk into those houses with pizza and game boy like, what? I thought she was 18. You realize you're doing quite fine. Last week I threw it on, I was like, you know what? That third cupcake for dessert, not that big a deal. I'm doing pretty amazing, relatively. Wanna feel better about yourself, watch

To Catch A Predator. If you wanna feel worse about yourself, watch America's Got Talent. Great way to make yourself feel like a useless piece of garbage. 'Cause the things people do on America's Got Talent are just so insanely impressive and they also have these crazy back stories of adversity that make it even more impressive. Someone will go up and be like, hi everyone, my name's Connor, I'm 14 years old. I was born with a very rare eye disease that has rendered me almost completely blind. At

the age of two, I started juggling butcher knives, which has been tough 'cause of, you know, the blindness. Now I perform and panhandle on street corners to help support my paralyzed, single mother. I'm watching like, yeah, well I just made an omelet all by myself. Very humbling show to watch. And I can tell the things that people do on America's Got Talent are like insanely impressive, but it's too impressive for like the average viewer to like emotionally connect to and that's what you want,

you know? Like I just think like someone to go up there and be like, hi judges, for my performance today, I'm gonna be solving 30 Rubik's cubes in five seconds while on fire, like do something crazy. I think you say something more relatable. I wanna see someone go on stage and be like, hi judges, for my performance today, I will be assembling this Ikea wardrobe without saying the F word. I'd be like, what? No chance. How is he gonna do that? I wanna see someone go on stage and turn on a televisi

on with one button on the first try. Wouldn't that be nice? It's like, whoever's making TVs these days, you're just fucking with people. They're just like, hey, how about we make it so when they press the power button, the monitor goes on, but the cable box goes off? And you press it again and it flip flops, they gotta walk over. It'll be funny. It'll be funny. What else is new? I'm trying to eat healthier, which isn't true and no, I'm trying, it's just tough, you know? People, it's tough in thi

s day and age. Sometimes people are like, oh it's easy. You have such easy access to healthy food. And it's like, yeah, but there are also options. And no one to stop me. There's not a single chaperone in my kitchen. Three, like, hundreds of years ago was easy to eat healthy 'cause organic food was all they had. To them it probably tasted good. They had nothing to compare it to. I have eaten a chocolate lava cake. Can't just forget about that experience and act like broccoli tastes reasonable. I

've eaten a fried Oreo. Food from the earth? Gross. Last week I ate unsalted almonds. Have you ever had unsalted, fucking disgusting. I had to chase it with a shot of queso. I try to eat healthy, especially cause like, my mom's like, a huge health freak, especially with like, for example, she'll like beef, she'll only eat grass fed beef, which is like, beef comes from a cow who only ate grass, it's like organic, healthier. And she's always like, Tom, you should only eat grass fed beef. And I'm l

ike, mom, do you think I care what the cow ate? I barely care what I eat. Also beef tastes too good to care where it came from, right? Like if there's a Five Guys cheeseburger in front, I'm not asking for the cow's resume. I'm eating it. You think I care if the beef came from a cow who only ate grass? I would eat beef if it came from a cow who only ate ass. If a waiter at a restaurant was like, this filet is actually ass fed beef. Yeah, this cow was a real pervert and he died pretty quickly, 'ca

use that's all he ate. And he also did not eat the asses of the brown cows, so we also think he was a little racist. This is racist, ass fed beef. I'd be like, yeah, hurry up. Medium rare. What are you? You got any other cows back there that'll come out faster? Sure. Got any anti-Semitic, crackhead cows, bring 'em out. Yeah, that's a weird one. It's good to, it's good to have like, sporting events, have some fans in the stands again, but it was a good little breather. Like if you like going to s

porting events, like I do, like most people do, there's just nothing worse than like, sitting next to like, an obnoxious, male sports fan. You know? Like, you ever sit next to like, the shoot it guy. Shoot it! These guys who think they're like, freelance volunteer assistant coaches try and like impress the girl they're with like, shoot it! When you have that shot, take it. I would know, I played middle school. It's like, all game, shoot it. These guys are like, plumbers, like, trying to tell LeB

ron James how to play. I don't yell at athletes. It's stupid. It's also pretty rude if you think about it. 'Cause sports are still a profession. You'd never yell like that at someone in any other profession, if they weren't performing to your liking. If you're at a restaurant your food was taking a while to come out, you wouldn't run in the kitchen be like, cook it! You suck! This Olive Garden should trade you. I played, I like going to sporting event. Playing sports, played sports my whole life

. I still like playing pick up basketball sometimes, which is fun. But guys always insist on doing like shirts versus skins. You know? Whenever I guy on the other team's like, we'll be skins. Like, you'll be skins? All right, so I'll be going home. I don't wanna.. I don't wanna spend my Saturday grinding on your like, hairy, sweaty back. It's not fun. I told him last time I was like, why do we have to do shirts versus skins? He's like, uh, so we can tell who's on what team. I was like or we can

leave your shirts on and just do faces versus faces. I can see everyone's face and we all look different enough. No one's wearing a ski mask and none of us are twins. I think we can figure it out. As if we're all wearing shirts and someone's like, pass it and we'll be like, Greg, is that you? I can't tell. I need to see your nipples. I always think sports team names are funny. Like especially college teams. There's like a lot of, like a lot of 'em and they're a little weird sometimes. 'Cause tea

m names are supposed to be, I don't know, cool or intimidating or something. But then you have some like the Tennessee Volunteers, what a lame name. What's even their mascot? Is there's a guy walking up and down the sidelines like, I'll do it. Dressed in a costume of a normal guy. Like, I can do it. Go Tennessee. I wish that I was, I wish I was that mascot, but I'd just take it way too far. He'd be like, where's the Volunteers' mascot? They'd be like, he's in Peru building schools. Really, reall

y committing to the role. It's a sensitive time in this world, you know. A lot of people getting canceled, uh, it's, you know, unless you've lived a perfect life, brace yourself. It's tough. Even like sometimes, you know, people that finally could nitpick about something and they'll get him in trouble. Like honestly, I think if he was around right now, I think even Jesus would get canceled. If he was performing like, all the same miracles, people would find something to, like, right now, if Jesu

s cured a blind man, I bet half of the internet would praise him and be like, oh, that's amazing. What a miracle. Thank you, Jesus. The other half of the internet would be like, why didn't he cure a blind woman?! Jesus is sexist. Men have had vision for long enough. Some people just make big deals about things nowadays. And some of it's warranted. Some of it's not warranted. Some of it's not warranted, it's mostly just white people creating adversity for themselves just to like, be a part of it.

Like, minorities have real problems. Black people are like, cops are killing us. And white people are like, yeah and gluten. I mean, it's killing us. Sure it takes longer than a bullet, but it's essentially a poison. I am white. I'm a straight white man. Hold your applause. I am and I've had a great, I have had a great, very privileged life, which is why I don't pray. I think it's, I think it's selfish. I dunno, if you've taken a look around the world lately, but God's got a lot on his plate ri

ght now. He doesn't need first world prayers clogging up his inbox. So much horrible stuff going, like, going on. I can't hit him up cause I'm like, running late for something, you know? There's like war, poverty, disease. I can't be like, please let me make this ferry to Nantucket, please. I'm gonna be late for mimosas. I bought this vest for nothing. If white people just stop praying for a while, I think God can catch up on some of the serious prayers in the queue and figure it out. 'Cause he'

s getting serious prayers. He's getting like, dear God, this civil war has cost me my home, my family, please help me. Amen. And God has to be like, well you're gonna have to wait a little 'cause there's a soccer tryout in Connecticut. There's only one spot on the team. And Bryce prayed before you, I just took 'em in order. There's an order. I can't just bump you up. I grew up religious, not, I went to Catholic schools, so I know all the stories, you know, Catholic stories. One, the one guy I al

ways felt bad for was Doubting Thomas. Familiar with this character? A biblical character, his name's Doubting Thomas and he's, he was named doubting Thomas because when Jesus resurrected, rose from the dead, Thomas initially heard the news. He didn't believe it. It seems pretty unfair that everyone in history knows this guy as Doubting Thomas. He doubted one thing, that was pretty fair to doubt. Like, his friends came up and were like, hey, remember our buddy Jesus? He just rose from the dead.

Thomas was like, ah, you guys are fucking with me, and now he's Doubting Thomas forever? That's not fair. I don't think he earned the nickname, frankly. It's not like he was just walking around, doubting everything, people coming up and I'm like, hi, I'm Pam. Doubt it. Didn't earn the nickname. It was crazy in that situation, everyone except doubting Thomas, someone, you hear someone rises from the dead you just believe it? Sure, Jesus did some tricks while he was alive, but you know, if David B

laine rose from the dead, I'd still have some questions. I dunno where I stand on the religious thing, Oh, does God or not. A lot of unfair stuff happens that makes you question it. You know, people get cancer, cheese is bad for you. It's just, it's tough. I'm skeptical about a few things about religion. One thing I'm skeptical about religion is like, the way the Bible was written. 'Cause there was crazy stuff going on in the Bible. Like there was insane events happening. It was like, a virgin g

ave birth to a child and that child Jesus grew up and was performing these crazy miracles. There was tons of other insane stuff going on in the Bible. So I'm skeptical because for like the, all the crazy stuff that the writers of the Bible were witnessing and documenting, the Bible contains very few exclamation points. Those writers were suspiciously nonchalant about the things they witnessed. How is the Bible not in all caps? Then I would believe it. If it was all caps like, yes. That is how yo

u react to a guy parting an ocean. Definitely yell about Moses. Like in the Bible, the waters were divided, ends in a period. I'm calling bullshit. Like, if I wrote the Bible, I would just be like, now reading from the book of Tommy. Holy shit! Where the fuck am I? This Jesus guy is sketchy, bro. Should we look into any of this? Why am I the only one who's freaking out? Amen. Yeah, heaven and hell, that's another thing. I don't know. I don't think there's a heaven in hell and that's why I hope t

here isn't. You know? Cause I don't think, cause I'm living right now like I don't think there's a heaven or hell, so like I just wanna live as long as I can on earth, but like heaven's the most perfect place you can be in the world, so I'm gonna be pissed, or not in the world, but like heaven, you, nothing beats heaven is what I'm saying. So I'm gonna be pissed if I live to be like, 95 and I die and I go to heaven, I'm gonna be mad I stayed on stupid earth for so long when it was possible the w

hole, like, if you're religious and you think you're going to heaven, what are you still doing here? Heaven doesn't have mosquitoes or jury duty. You could be up there right now, riding go-karts with Gandhi or whatever, eating drunk pizza for every meal. I dunno what they do up there. And you're still down here just like, on hold with Comcast. Why? Just go to heaven. I'm not saying kill yourself, but I'm saying, why would you not be living on the edge? There's no reason to not do crazy shit if d

eath is the best case scenario. If I was religious, I'd be insane. People would be like, where are you going after church? I'm like, I'm gonna do ecstasy and tightrope walk the Grand Canyon. Like, why? Because if I live, what an experience, and if I die, heaven. It's a win-win. You guys like fuckin'? I don't have a segue for this. We're talking about, it's time to talk about sex. No segue. Everyone loves sex. There used to be this stigma that was like, men are like per blah and women are like, n

o, but every, we know everyone likes sex. The difference is that men would never turn down sex. That's the difference. If a woman says, no, it means no. If a man says, no, it means he misheard you. Double check. Enunciate. That's the difference. And another one is that men would just do anything for sex. That's the other difference, right? Like, I, I read this thing recently and when I say I read, I mean I saw a TikTok and it was basically saying that like, there's a species of octopi and in ord

er for the male octopus to have intercourse, it has to tear its penis off, place it inside the female and then, it dies. I mean, the commitment. Those guys know ahead of time if they have sex, they'll die and they're still just like, let's go get some octopussy. Worth it. Ridiculous. I mean, I, I'm not surprised. You know who else would do that if they had to? Male humans. That wouldn't, streets would be littered with dickless dead dudes. Be stepping over them on your way to work. Like, oh my Go

d, is that Phil? Oh, come on, man. They warned us. We had that big meeting. I, another big difference between men and women is that like straight women will sometimes like sexually experiment with each other, straight guys do not and thank God. No one needs to hear those stories. Not for like a homophobic reason. Straight guys are just gross people. Like women are beautiful creatures. When women tell a story, it's like hot and fun. It's like, oh, what happened? I, oh, I hooked up with like, Sara

h. It was crazy. Like, had a bunch of martinis, started making out and like, her hand went up my thigh, like, went under my pants. Like, that's hot. You know what's not hot? Hey, what happened last night? I blew Jeff. We split a rack of Natty Lights and some buffalo wings. he reached all around me, fixed my Xbox controller. Ah, that's just hot for no one. We don't need it. We don't need it. Yeah. One more, one more thing. I was, one more thing. I was out, I was out recently. I got very drunk. I

spent the night drinking Long Island iced teas, which, don't do that. You know what's in a Long Island iced tea? It's horrifying. Vodka, gin, rum, I'm halfway there, tequila, triple sec, and Coca-Cola. Like, jaywalking is illegal and that drink's not? Who invented that drink? That does not sound like it was invented by a bartender so that people could have fun. That sounds like it was invented by an assassin who lost the poison he was supposed to use. So he just threw together the worst liquids

he could find and was like, a few of these should kill someone. And then the next day they were like, well, did he die? And they're like, no, but he had to fight his best friend and made out with six people. I guess that's what happens when you drink these. Anyways, I was very drunk and I ended up going home with this girl, 'cause I'm a baller. No, I'll tell you what. It's like, whatever. It's whatever. It's whatever. Like, we were in bed, we weren't like, having sex, we were like making out and

she asked if I wanted a hand job. So I reached over, grabbed my phone to check the date, to see if I time traveled back to tenth grade. To my disbelief, it was 2021. And I'm not complaining. Whatever women want to do to me, I'm very grateful. If you touch a penis in any way, God bless you. These things are disgusting. Penis looks like something you'd see a documentary about the deep ocean. They're gross. That's why men are lucky, 'cause vaginas are gross, but they're on the inside. We don't hav

e to see 'em. We just send our guy in there like a bucket down a well. Don't have to see it. Women see penises and they still truck ahead. God bless you, ladies. So anyway, she asked if I wanted a hand job and then she was like, also, don't like, it's gonna be an amazing hand job. And I was like, that's an oxymoron. She was like, also, I'll let you finish wherever you want. And I was like, that's adorable that you think I'm gonna come close to finishing from a hand job while I'm drunk. Sober tha

t would be hard. Drunk, negative percent chance. Helen Keller would have a better chance finishing a Sudoku