30 Minutes of Jim Gaffigan - Stand Up Comedy - Comedy Dynamics

I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but  I'm kind of obsessed with not being interested in fashion it's uh something I care deeply not  about and I'm aware that not being into fashion is a fashion choice right how annoying is that  it's like oh you're not into fashion that means you're the norm core why can't I just wear  clothes to cover my disgusting body why must it be a choice cuz the only choice I make when  it comes to clothing is does it still fit me I don't know if you've had a

n opportunity to Fat  out of clothes that's a special feeling there are watershed moments in your life right when  you hold your newborn child are you fat out of a t-shirt it's amazing cuz you don't even go  to the obvious conclusion you're like well this sure used to fit I haven't grown since I was  a teenager oh I'm a fat ass well time for a burrito I don't know the best is when you pack  for a trip and you fat out of clothes but you don't realize until you get there sit there and  you go well

I guess I could wear that as long as I don't breathe out or sit down you ever wear  a shirt you can't sit down in yeah you know what I'm going to stand I know it's Thanksgiving I'm  more thankful standing better angle for carving I still have all the clothes that don't fit me  they're in my closet in case I have a dramatic weight loss over a weekend it's ridiculous it's  like I'm curating an exhibit of my weight gain well that suit was from 30 lbs ago and that  sweater was from last winter and

this shirt this shirt never fit have you done that have you  bought clothes that don't fit thinking that'll be the incentive to lose weight it's like well  I've only gained weight for the last 40 years maybe this shirt will turn it around how'd  you lose weight I bought a shirt it worked now Fashion's kind of wasted on me you know  like those fashion shows to me fashion shows just look like skinny teenagers walking around  in their parents' clothes looking for food M there's no food out there al

l right I'll  change my outfit and look [Applause] again fashion shows are rather absurd when you  consider they're just people sitting around watching people walk around in clothes which  is what people do in clothes every day but at fashion shows they're so fascinated  they're like oh my gosh oh wow look at that person walking close how do they  do it if only we could watch them do laundry and we all know what a fashion show  is cuz we've seen it on TV in December they televised the Victoria S

ecret fashion show which  is excellent by the way well that one's different cuz there's Angels so there's a spiritual aspect  to the thongs they pedling it's interesting all the models are beautiful you ever notice that  you're like yeah Jim that's the point no but all the models they pick people that would  look good in any clothing like if you want me to buy a suit show me Michael Moore looking  good in it and I'm not picking on Michael Moore I'm friends with him I like Michael MO Mo  and not

just cuz he proves you don't need to shower to be famous you ever see Michael  Moore on television he looks like he's been robbed of everything he owns are you the victim  of a shipwreck what happened pull it together you won an Academy Award stop shopping at the  lost and found but I understand Michael Moore's mentality Fashion's not going to change change  his life it's not going to change my life I look the same whether I'm wearing a t-shirt or a  tux I still look like someone who eats fast f

ood probably because I do eat fast food I look  the way I look look I didn't vote for Trump but I walked around New York City and everyone the  week after the election looked at me like you did it you did it and I was like I didn't do  it but after a couple days I was like did I do it try to be a good dad I got my kids a  dog I rescued a dog thank you thank you I well it's not like the dog was drowning the dog  wasn't a victim of sex trafficking I just went in a building gave a guy money and got

a dog  that's how I rescued it after that I rescued a pizza I actually I had to wait to rescue the  dog cuz the dog was in Jamaica I don't know if it was on vacation but I rescued a dog from  Paradise so it could live in my crowded New York City Apartment sometimes I put the leash on the  dog and it looks at me like I used to run on the beach and now I sleep in a cage my  only hope is that one day you'll get rescued but rescue is the language of today  right and we mean adoption now people don'

t even say they own dogs now people say they're  a dog parent but I feel like dogs are different from kids like you you never hear a parent say  you know my son had some behavior problems so we gave him to a friend who had a farm upstate  and we can run around and we'll visit him on weekends Jim you're a monster it's nice to have a  partner someone looking out for you you look out for them like I did two weeks of shows out of  town in December and when I came home my wife informed me that she ma

de me an appointment  for the gas enterologist if you're unfamiliar that's the doctor that sticks the camera up  your butt I mean they do other things but that's what they're famous for that's probably  how they attract people to the field you like photography and I got a job you're going to love I didn't ask my wife to set up this  appointment I wasn't sick I didn't have any symptoms she just did it cuz she was looking  out for me so she casually brought it up she goes just so you know I made y

ou an appointment  for the gastroenterologist and I said just so you know I won't be going she was like why  wouldn't you go it's just a consultation I said well it's the principal I'm an adult I make  my own decisions thank you anyway so I'm at the gastroenterolog the doctor starts to  describe the procedure and I said look I should probably let you know I don't  really enjoy getting my picture taken I would be open to an ultrasound I think a lot of  men are curious what the jelly on the belly

feels like Anyway the doctor he didn't think it was  funny and I knew it was precautionary so I agreed so he went over to his computer and he goes all  right my next available appointment is in three months and I was like three months this was in  December I didn't know if I wanted this procedure hang over my head during the holidays Jim you want  another piece of pie no I'm I'm getting a camera up my butt I don't want some team of doctors  to be like wow this guy loves pie Barry get out here he

's got a half a pie up there I didn't know  what could delay this important procedure but part of me didn't want to find out I didn't want the  doctor to be like well the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera that Tak turn over in  that position's insane you know people do it once and they're like you know what I'm going back  on food stamps then I was thinking maybe it's the doctor maybe he's like dude I can only do this  procedure once a month then I got to take a week off sit on t

he beach and ask myself why I keep  sticking cameras up people's butts I could have been a dentist again with the dental reference but  in February I had the procedure and I think every man in here should get a colonoscopy cuz I had to  it's not easy decision cuz the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt  is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt that's the best news yeah we didn't  need to do that we can just chalk that up one for fun and the

day before the procedure you  can't eat anything and I'm a total pig so I was terrified but after I was awake for 5 hours  and I hadn't eaten anything I wasn't hungry I was suicidal I was so bored I was like what am I  supposed to sit here and feel feelings then at noon and at 6:00 p.m. you have to drink this  serum that I believe is made by a collaboration of xlax and Taco Bell print it on the side of  the serum it should have just said drink this in the bathroom might want to grab a pillow  an

d a book cuz I tell you I've had diarrhea before this's the point where everyone acts  like they've never had diarrhea I don't even know what Jim's talking about to you yeah I'm  the only one who's had diarrhea in a hotel hot tub okay like we're at the same Hotel no I've  had diarrhea I don't want to brag no I've had diarrhea but calling what this serum did  to my body diarrhea is an insult to the word diarrhea my body made noises I didn't know  existed at one point I thought I stepped on a pupp

y I was in the bathroom for hours for hours  checking email ignoring phone calls cuz see them or not you can't answer the phone in the bathroom  cuz you can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom cuz there's an echo are are you in a well yes yes  I'm down here in a well just no kids in this well making sure no kids fell in but I kept getting  this call from the doctor's office and I thought there might be important information like someone  saying do not drink the syrup so I answered it and it w

as just someone confirming the pointment  I don't know how someone was supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy but this person  was really casual they're like hey how are you so we're going to see you tomorrow what are we  having brunch I thought I was getting a camera up my butt she gave me the address the next  morning I went there it wasn't at a hospital or a clinic it was it some building just picture  where you imagine the black market would Harvest human organs what am I doing he

re and I took  an elevator to the basement there was this huge space with all these makeshift rooms with  shower curtains and I was led into one there was all this talking you know when you're nervous  and you think you hear things I thought I heard someone go I can't believe he's here I want his  kidney and I was terrified and then eventually an anesthesiologist walked in he gave me a shot  and he goes just want to go through what's going to happen right now I'm giving you some medicine  which

will knock you out and when you wake up you won't remember anything you okay with that and  against every Instinct in my body I just going okay the last memory I had is just watching  the anesthesiologist leave the room as I heard someone go I want a spleen [Music] and I woke  up and I was fine I mean I'm pregnant but I'm fine did some shows in China all in Chinese  picked it up at the Y it's not that hard wasn't that complicated you visit some places and you  think all right there's a language

barrier but I could get by and China I was like oh if I got  lost I would die here I wouldn't last a half a day everyone's looking at me like I'm a ghost anyway  the Chinese were very nice they were fascinated with my pale blonde children many of them wanted  pictures with my kids they didn't really ask they just grabbed a kid can I have a picture with this  one I guess you're going to and when they were done with the picture they would rub my blonde  kid's head cuz you know they're my kids but

they're also lucky objects and after this happened  a couple times I was like hey we should charge right China was fascinating and exhausting  I brought my kids to the Great Wall we saw the Terracotta Warriors we walked through the  Forbidden City we rode into Rickshaw and when we were leaving I asked my 5-year-old I said  what was your favorite part of China and he said I like that time we saw the truck with  the pigs on it cuz of one point we were stuck in traffic and this truck pulled up and

it  had pigs in cages and that was his favorite part after the 15-hour flight and I remember  when that truck pulled up cuz I remember looking at those pigs and feeling sorry for them but  those pigs looked happy they were it was almost like the pigs were looking at me and my five  screaming kids going well at least we're not that slob I do enjoy traveling to other  countries seeing how different but essentially similar we all are like like  the UK is not that different from the US you know if a

nything you go over there and  it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans they're like oh  you drive on the right side of the road then then we're going to drive on the left side  of the road oh you call your mother mom then we're going to call our mom oh you call  that a cookie then we're not going to the dentist I know that's cheap [Applause] I  did notice something when I was over there you know British people they don't say the  before Hospital you ever notice tha

t they're like hospital I was feeling knacked so  I went to hospital whenever they would do that I'd say stop that that's wrong and  weird are you trying to sound like a polite caveman and I had a friend from London he  was like what makes you think you're doing it properly and I go cuz I'm American  and we invented the English language it was a pet peeve of mine so I did some  research you know why British people don't say the before hospital cuz they're dicks yeah I  know that sounds harsh but

admit it British people always talk to Americans like we just walked  into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage may I help you are you lost [Music] obviously I love the Breads and  I would never do those jokes there I have been lucky enough to perform  in the UK a couple times and one time I was walking through Picadilly circus which for the  record is a horrible circus no animals and no I was walking through padil circus and I saw they  had an M&M store and I looked at that &m sto

re and it just made me think of all the things  the British have given the Americans like our language Shakespeare the Magna Carta and I  looked at the Eminem store and I thought now we're even when I looked at the Eminem store I wasn't  even embarrassed to be American I was ashamed to be human cuz has anyone at any point in their  life thought when are they going to open an Eminem store sure I can buy buy M&M's absolutely  anywhere but I like to buy in bulk in a pro m& environment obviously we

don't need an  M&M store we don't even need different colored M&M's they all taste the same  they're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil with an m on it they're not  even M&M's they're M's we don't do that with anything else you want some raisin and  raisins go ahead grab a handful of Raisin and raisins no I don't even know how many M&M's  or M's they would have to sell in London to justify padilly circus real estate but  this M&M store is massive in the UK it is three levels which I guess

makes  sense because the first level so you can buy M&M's the second level so you  can buy more M&M's and then the third level so you can jump to your death cuz you  wasted time in an M&M store when you were in London by the way I don't have any  judgment if you personally enjoy going to the Eminem store that's  fine but obviously you shouldn't vote I don't even know what type of massage I'm  getting when I get a massage do you want a deep tissue a xatu or a Swedish massage I'm like I'll  take t

he blonde I don't know cuz men view massages differently a woman gets a massage her friends are  like good for you a guy gets a massage you dirty dog cuz men sexualize all human interaction  it was a therapeutic massage how therapeutic nothing happen yeah that's what would tell  your wife huh that's got to be frustrating for massage therapists that double meaning  did you get a massage or a mass S no other occupation has to deal with it did  you get a cavity fill or a cavity fill how many Dentis

try references is he going  to have for me a massage is just an hour of awkwardness right she she gets done she leaves the  room I put on the robe I step outside she hands me a glass of water I was look at her and go you're  never going to call me what a shred I did have one massage therapist she told me they're allowed  to turn people down I don't know why she told me that it was after a show can you imagine getting  turned down by a massage therapist that's rough yeah you couldn't pay me to to

uch it not for all  the money on the planet massages that's how some people relax some people relax in a hot sauna and  sure who doesn't love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano I don't  understand the appeal of a son here's every experience I've had in the son I'm like okay I'm  going to get a sweat going it's going to be really good for me here we go it's time to get out right  I don't want to overdo it what is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile

of  smoldering rocks I always look at the Rocks like whoever is cooking the rocks they're done that's  a wrap on the Rock cooking and to make this son it more enjoyable you're always seated next to a  naked 80-year-old man oh good I get to sweat next to someone's Grandpa who's only wearing a hand  towel the nudity in this SAA seems unnecessary this isn't Rome I just look around the Sona like  wow so this is why we wear clothes huh so we may eventually eat in Finland in Finland where they  invent

ed the sauna they' relaxed in Finland by drinking vodka in the sauna which might explain  why we've never read any Finnish literature vodka in the sauna actually the fins they pronounce it  SAA cuz they're wasted I go to SAA and drink some bodka drinking vodka and a sauna you know  what kind of ideas you come up with an &m store it's been a crazy year for me crazy  year I don't know if you know in April it was discovered my wife had a brain tumor I'm not  even making this up it was removed she's

great everything's good thank you I didn't remove  it I I was in the other room soiling myself but the tumor is gone along with my ability to  ever win another argument it's not like I was winning a lot before but now I'm retired and  luckily my wife's not the time to bring it up well once she did she was like you know I did  have brain surgery and I couldn't be like yeah that was like a month ago it's time to move  on you know what about my seasonal allergies we all have our cross a bear it wa

s crazy you  know the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pair which is scary but also confusing I  was like did he go to med school or a farmers market but tumors are often compared to fruit  a pear a lemon a grapefruit interesting fact worst tumor grapefruit worst fruit grapefruit  when you think about it a grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit I must feel sorry  for grapefruit yeah we can't win yeah we're already the worst fruit now we're compared to  the worst tumor well at

least we help old people poop that is the worst impression of a grapefruit ever it's kind of unfortunate that there's  another fruit that's much smaller named grape cuz you know there's situations in  doctor's offices we found a tumor it's the size of a grape thank God I didn't  finish grape fruit oh that's that's very different this strange you know when  when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a peir I thought wow I  guess doctors are bad at analogies but I quickly realized they're

just  dumbing it down for idiots like me like the surgeon looked at me and thought  well this guy's not going to understand centimeters I don't even want to try and  explain circumference based on appearance he doesn't eat fruit but he's probably  seen a pair when he's at the grocery store buying ice cream I don't know why  the surgeon sounds like Andy Rooney never notice tumors look like fruit by the  way if you don't know who Andy Rooney is you're a child and if you do know who  Andy Rooney is

you should probably eat more grapefruit tumors compared to fruit they're  they're sometimes they're compared to balls like a golf ball or a softball but the  surgeon looked at me and thought I'm going to stick with food I got a better shot  of this fat ass understanding I joke around but it was scary we have five children  and there were moments when I was like oh my gosh if anything happens to my wife  those five kids are going to be put up for adoption some of these jokes are just for the fat

hers when I'm home in New York City I work out  at the Chinatown YMCA and I realize when people hear the Chinatown YMCA they think oh that's not  like a serious place to work out and it's not it's not at all it's mostly little kids learning how  to swim and really old Chinese people with their parents I didn't even know you could  live to that age but I tell you watching a 90-year-old on an elliptical  really inspires me to die in my ' 70s it looks like a machine is eating someone's  Grandma but

I love my why you know it's it's different from a normal Health Club there's  never moments when you think oh my gosh look at how much weight that guy's lifting it's  more like oh my gosh that guy's smoking on a treadmill and dress pants it's very business  casual sure am I why doesn't have some of the amenities but it also doesn't have the normal  Health Club distractions I don't have to deal with loud music or people that are in shape I walk  around my why and I'm like you know what I'm doing

okay maybe I should teach a class hi welcome to  Advanced elliptical doesn't matter if you don't have workout clothes on we're not going to be  raising our heart rate so let's step on pick a show and think about what we're going to eat okay  who's having a burger huh let's practice eating fries I'm ignored at my wine I'm ignored  at all health clubs like when I walk into a fitness area even in a hotel people always  look at me like I didn't know they serve food here the only people that approac

h me are are  personal trainers they're like you looking for a personal trainer uh no you should be so I've  gone to the point if I'm approached by a personal trainer I just act like they're hitting on  me they're like hey how you doing I'm Mar I don't think you understand I  understand perfectly you want to get with me but I'm taken so you can look but no touching oh I did one of those genetic tests I  was surprised to find out I'm all Asian you do learn things from those genetic test  like I d

iscovered I wasted a hundred bucks they send you information mine just said  dude you're white in fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break  out my nationality they just highlighted all the British Island they like you're trash from  here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic  tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only going to find out  bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it  e

nds out my great grandma was a [ __ ] so I guess I'm Eastern European  sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are [ __ ] and I am no my point is  only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd  already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to  go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I  have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep gre

at records cuz  well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but  I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is cuz  the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I  don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of scarlet Johansson's if I  was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me  I guess I'll hide on this bed cover

ed in roast pedals hopefully she can help me put together that table