Treacle... treacle... treacle... treacle! We are the Treacle People! We seek treacle high and low! We are the Treacle People! We all live in Giggle Row! Willie Wizzle saved the day. His Treacle Tracker led the way to seams of
treacle far below! Down to the mines we go! Treacle... treacle... treacle! We are the Treacle People! We seek treacle high and low! Last time, PC Pendle needed wheels, but thanks
to Chief Inspector Foulridge's wheeling and dealing, he got a bad deal when the wheels
turned o
ut to be rollerblades. Intrepid, indomitable and incompetent, he set off to capture the dreaded Barrow and Furness. With a little help from Ike Mitton, his performance
was... Oh nooo! ...a knockout. Although probably not quite the way he meant
it to be. And after all that excitement, there's a spot
of joie de vivre in the air. That's French, you know. Bonjour, Monsieur Mitton! Quel temps magnifique! Eh? I do beg your pardon. I'm off to Paris in a couple of days. Great Aunt Clothilde. You know, I
haven't seen her in years. A little early to be packing, isn't it? Oh, I'm just getting a batch of treacle toffee
put up for her. It's so hard to get decent refined confectionary
in Paris. I remember, we once walked the length of the
Champs-Élysées, and couldn't... What was that? It was a big road in Paris, but that's, er... No, no, no, no, no! About confectionary! Oh, that! I was just saying that you can't get decent treacle toffee for love or money once you get over there. Can't get them? Hah
aha! Then they'll want to buy them! And who better to buy them from than me? Hahaha! Overseas sales! An export drive! Profit will rocket into the... will be adequate. I'd better talk to Tapper. What do you mean, not to France? Extra charge? How much?! Sorry, terrible misunderstanding, wrong number, you must want Middle Red Lumb Boarding Kennels, good day. Do you know what they want for transporting
Sabden treacle to France? No? Too much, that's what! Very well - we shall do it ourselves. 'Ow? Ar
e you in pain? No. How are we going to get it over there? Simple. We shall merely extend the tunnels in the
mines so that they come out in Paris. Aren't you forgetting summat? Such as? The English Channel. Dig under it! Dig under... That's the daftest idea I've ever heard from
anyone but the Prof. He's going to do what? Export Madam's treacle toffee to them foreigners? And what about my parkin? What about your parkin? Why can't he export that an' all? I think the technical term is "diplomatic
in
cident," but... Just watch it, four eyes. Ah, Paris! The opera, the theatres, and the food! The frog's legs... Eurgh! The snails... Wouldn't they be a bit, like, crunchy, man? Them French! Good enough at building big metal towers, but they couldn't half do with some cooking lessons? And there you have it! A tunnel from here to France. Daft, eh? That's brilliant! Think of all the work! Hour upon hour of unending ceaseless hard
labour! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you... Y
es, yes, yes, all right... What about this lot? [Uh oh...] Now then, as part of our grand expansion scheme, you'll be called upon to dig a tunnel between here and Paris, thus ushering in a new age of wealth for me... er... for all of us. So, are you with us? [Snoring...] I might have known. Oh well, we'd best forget the... Just a minute. I wonder if they'd care to look at... this. It's the Eiffel Tower in Paris, nine hundred and eighty-four feet tall, and all made out out of barley sugar... [Exc
ited boggart gibbering] ...or steel. One of the two, I don't recall. Hehehe! I reckon we'd better get going, then. Yes, you had. Not coming with us, then? No, I have other things to attend to! You, however will be needing this. What the Bannockburn is yon? This is the Ceremonial Pack. Eee... Cor, whatever's in it? Suitable clothing for meeting the French, a few little gifts and a sample of Lil's finest parkin. That explains it. But why? Well, we're all part of the Common Market
now and... The co
mmon market?! No, no, it's, er... Oh, never mind. Look, the point is, once our French friends hear your meringues are up for grabs, they'll be over here like a shot. Well then, if I'm going to attract a sophisticated continental clientele, I think a little quelque chose spéciale might be called for. And I hope we're all going to make our visitors
welcome! Oh yes! I've got a little something up me sleeve,
you wait and see. How far do you reckon we've come? Nae idea. Hang on, we'll ask that boggar
t where we... Oh, molasses! Australian! We've gone too far! I told you we shouldn't have used a Number 7A shovel on loam and marl, but oh no, you wouldn't... [Australian boggart noises] You're Bert's cousin? [Further Australian boggart sounds] So we're not in Australia, then? [Helpless laughter] All right, all right. Anyone can make a mistake! They'll have to eat somewhere! Why not here? B... Ha! Just because they're foreign, it doesn't mean
they've never heard of my parkin! I... What do you mea
n "everybody knows about your
parkin"? Anyway, what do they call parkin on the continong? L... Rubbish! It's la parkin! And don't you forget it! I think we've come about halfway. I think. What do you mean, you "think"? Well, the distance is about right, but I'm
not sure we've been going the right way. Och, nae problem! I'm never without my trusty compass! [Curious boggart noises] Well, this wee needle here always points to
the north. Useless! We're going south! Just imagine! Real live foreign pe
ople in Sabden! Yeah! This should be a real happening, man! We should make them welcome. That's a thought. There's all them flags from the summer fête. Brilliant! Let's go and get a ladder! [French music] [Toot!] Oi! What the mankinholes have you come as? How dare you? Madam, this is the uniform of a Parisian gendarme! You what? A French copper! Stone me! I'm starting to think Nellie Newchurch is
right about this place! But why are you done up like that? Aha! It's my little scheme to make the to
urists
feel welcome, you see! I shall turn the high street into the Chomps
Illicit... The what? ...and I'll make 'em feel right at own by
locking 'em up in the Bastille and... You'll do no such thing! ...and I'll do no such thing. If you lock 'em up anywhere, it'd better be
in here so they can buy my parkin! Look! This must be a French tunnel! Paris, here we come! [Yippee!] Right! Time to break out the Ceremonial Pack! Let's see now... Berets... Scarves... onions... and, er... Look, Digger, ther
e's no way we can make you look French. I mean, we can't even make you look English. I should hope not! So you carry the prezzie, all right? Och... very well. [Clang!] [French musical sting!] Come on, Digger! We haven't got all day! They're here! The poor darlings must be famished! Good thing I made these. Ach, what stupid idea of a giftie was this? Bonjour, bonjour, mes amis, et bienvenu en
Angleterre! Salutations, Madame! Grr... Nicko! Bon morning, tout. Wilkommen à Sabden. Hvor et det glasfab
rik, prego, à toute vitesse. Ow! Nous go-on teller les others 'cos vous are
'ere. Hangez on. Au reservoir, madame. [Crash!] Funny. They looked familiar... Anyway, look at the road signs! France! We made it! [Boggart noises!] Charles. Tinklez les ivories! Murky for voter genererks bienvenue! Nous sommes chuffé orcs pantalons to be ici,
et we 'ope vousé will visitur our domicilé vite. B... Bienvenue a Sabden. Acceptez prego un gift de bier von ginger
et le piece de parkin. Charles! [Crash!] Oh, er
... murky very beaucoup. [Sniff!] Ecky thump, it's as bad as Lil's back home! As bad as Lil... Tapper Knowle? Is that you? Ey up, she even sounds like Lil... Oh, 'eck. Now, Lil, let's not do anything we'll regret
later... I won't do anything I'll regret. [Worried boggart noise] I'm going to enjoy every moment of it! I can explain! Ye can? And so, as another peaceful day comes to an end in sleepy Sabden, will Silas get his treacle to Paris? For pity's sake, madam! Not with the piano! [Clang!] And
will Tapper ever get out of this alive? If you think you'll get any answers next time, you obviously haven't seen any of the other thrilling, chilling and slightly gooey episodes of... The Treacle People! We are the Treacle People! We seek treacle high and low! We are the Treacle People! We all live in Giggle Row! Willie Wizzle saved the day. His Treacle Tracker led the way to seams of
treacle far below! Down to the mines we go! Treacle... treacle... treacle! We are the Treacle People! We seek
treacle high and low!
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