Everyone Deserves A Fair Slice

Have a great day! Hi! What can I do for you today sir? Hi, my name is John. I appreciate what you do for this neighborhood. Your pizza is making a difference! Well thank you John. You know, when we opened we were just a small shop with a simple mission to... Right. Right. Listen. I represent a large institution and we're interested in buying a significant number of your pizzas. Oh! Okay great, well our cheese pizzas are ten dollars... John: Great, I've done some number crunching and determined t

hat we're gonna need ten per month and I can pay... eight dollars per pie. Oh and I'll need them to be Sicilian. Oh, but the Sicilian pies are more expensive. That won't cover my costs. Oh I'm sure you can just find someone who will be willing to make up the difference. Who? Well maybe do a couple black-tie events, you know, honor some people. I'm concerned about the impact on quality at that price and, you know, my reputation is at stake. Of course but just imagine how much more efficient you w

ould be with twenty percent less than what you should be given. But I mean I'm sure there's plenty of other pizza places around here...I mean...if it's too much work... It's ok. You know what, I've got an oven that's been on the fritz and maybe the steady business will help pay for repairs. Oooh I would LOVE to help with that but... 100 percent of what we give to you must be spent on ingredients... Okay, we do not pay for overhead. Okay? See none of this money can be used for: Utilities, rent, m

arketing, pizza boxes, or your salary. Especially not your salary...no no. No pizza boxes? And how am I supposed to deliver them? Oh, well there's a place in Bushwick that is completely sustainable. They deliver your pizza using solar-powered drones on recycled recycle bins. I don't have those. Okay. You can spend 5% on pizza boxes, 10% on dough, 5% on tomatoes, 10% on cheese, and the rest on spices. See. It's all spelled out here in this pizza making plan. I'm the one who knows how to make the

pizzas! Yeah. No, of course. Of course. What you want to do is just fill out this paperwork, okay? You make any of the stipulated adjustments to your business model and then after a few site visits and several audits, payment should start rolling in about six to nine months... A site visit? Yeah. As you see here on page 47 mmkay? Your chef will either have to have been nominated for a James Beard Award, competed on Iron Chef, or taken anger management classes from Gordon Ramsay. I serve pizzas.

A James Beard Award? Most of my cooks can't even grow a beard! Hi! Oh hey. Uh... Where did that other guy go that was just here? Oh...he got transferred to a different department. I'll be making the orders now. Oh, thank god. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. His expectations are a bit...unreasonable. You're telling me! You saw. I know right! So I would like four dozen falafel sandwiches. Oh, we don't make falafel sandwiches. Well that's what we need. And I also need you to track each and every one of yo

ur expenses on this ancient scroll. Use the feather pen. It has the blue ink. Nice to meet you! And really, you are making a difference. With each falafel sandwich. That's bullsh*t. You don't have to put up with that. You and other pizza places are providing a valuable service to our community and we should be backing you up and not making you jump through hoops. Listen. I would like to order a large supreme pizza. And someone told me that you have an oven on the fritz so here is $100 to go towa

rds fixing that. Oh thank you! Thank you so much! I hope you come back! No. No. No. Absolutely not. I only buy pizza from the same pizza place once because otherwise I keep coming back, you get dependent on me, and that would be bullsh*t so... Oh. Okay.