Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episodes 1-3 - Team Four Star (TFS)

[Intense music] [Please keep these captions accurate for deaf viewers. You can add the awesome extras to the English (Canada) captions.] [Intense music] ANDERSON: (Reading disclaimer) ...Ya Protestant fuckbucket. NARRATOR: This is the story... About a world of adventure, a sea *full* of *excitement*, and a man full of dreams... And a passion that seeks to drive him to the top! LUFFY: My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the-- [Static] BELLA: Ah yes. I love you, Edward. EDWARD: An

d I... love you... Bella. [Knocking on door] Hold on. [Footsteps] Who is it? ALUCARD: Oh, you know... [Gunfire] A real fucking vampire. [♫ Andrew WK - "Party Party Party" ♫] ♫ O Party Party Party ♫ ♫ I wanna have a Party ♫ ♫ I need to have a Party ♫ ♫ You better have a Party ♫ ♫ O Party Party Party ♫ ♫ You gotta Party harty ♫ ♫ I'm gonna have a Party ♫ ♫ Or else you won't be sorry ♫ Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target? SERAS: Okay, Master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sig

ht. ALUCARD: Well, better take the shot. You're letting her get away. SERAS: If you just give me a second to *concentrate*, I could-- ALUCARD: She's getting away. She's running! SERAS: I get it, I'm lining up the-- ALUCARD: Going to miss it. Going to miss it! SERAS: Just be quiet and let me--! ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl! [Gunshot] SERAS: THERE! I TOOK THE FUCKING SHOT! SHE'S DEAD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! ALUCARD: Oh you are just a treat. [to the audience] Now I know what

you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha-- it's funny. VAMPIRE PRIEST: So you came? Too bad you're *far* too late. ALUCARD: What? VAMPIRE PRIEST: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me - I still plan to kill her. ALUCARD: Mm-hm. VAMPIRE PRIEST: But first... I'm going to *rape

* her. ALUCARD: Nnneat. VAMPIRE PRIEST: But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill YOU! ALUCARD: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were... [mockingly] well, intimidating. VAMPIRE PRIEST: Grr. Are you mocking me!? ALUCARD: Oh no, no, no, no, no. Pfft, yeah. [Gunshot] ALUCARD: Well, that should about wrap things up here. SERAS: (Choking to death) ALUCARD: Oh yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole shooting you thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, - which is

currently all over that tree - you'll find a way to forgive me. SERAS: (Choking to death) ALUCARD: Aw, jeez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy! SERAS: (Choking to death) ALUCARD: Christ! Fine! I'll help you! But only because you've got nice tits. [Classical music plays in Hellsing property] INTEGRA: So that's your field report? ALUCARD: Yep. INTEGRA: You went on a walk though the forest at midnight... ALUCARD: Yep. INTEGRA: You killed a homicidal vampire priest... ALUCARD: Dead

. INTEGRA: And then you turned someone into a vampire... who happened to be a big-tittied... who happened to be a big-tittied... ALUCARD: Big-tittied police girl. ALUCARD: Big-tittied police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get though explaining this! Now, if you don't mind... I've got things to do. INTEGRA: What "things"? You don't do "things". ALUCARD: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks though the woods. INTEGRA: And kill homicidal vampire priests. ALUCARD: *Very* enthusiastic walks. [Class

ical music plays in Hellsing property] INTEGRA: So that's your field report? ALUCARD: Yep. INTEGRA: So you broke into the house... ALUCARD: Yep. INTEGRA: And you shot him thirty-six times... ALUCARD: Thirty-*seven*. INTEGRA: And took out his partner. ALUCARD: To be fair, that was the police girl... with the big titties. INTEGRA: You need to stop going on walks. ALUCARD: And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here. INTEGRA: Ugh... listen. You have an assignment in Ireland. ALUCA

RD: Ooh. I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere? INTEGRA: Sweet Christ...! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you. ALUCARD: Ah, come on, I have to bring her everywhere. INTEGRA: Ah ah ah, none of the sass! ALUCARD [mockingly]: Yes, Moooom~ [Choir music, birds tweeting, bells ringing] ANDERSON: So what can I do for you, Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carr

ol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan... who is also Italian? RENALDO: Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do? ANDERSON: Spreadin' the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world. Teachin' peace and love for all. RENALDO: And-a killing-a vampires? ANDERSON: Ah, just try to fuckin' stop me. RENALDO: And what about... Protestants? ANDERSON: Second verse same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put 'em in a hearse! [Crickets] [Crickets and gunfire] ALUCARD: Hey,

Police Girl! Police Girl! [Ghouls groaning] This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, 40 zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode! [Gunshot] It's like "House of the Dead," only like, 100x more awesome! SERAS: Ah, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun. Oh fuck the hell, *yes*. [♫ "Feel So Numb" ♫] ALUCARD: Sweet Black-fucking-Sabbath... If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right o

ut of those eyes. Well, kinda like that. Only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. (Sniffs) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress! ANDERSON: Ah, and look at what we have here: A *bloody heathen*! ALUCARD: Excuse me! But I'm a fuckmothering vampire! I killed a *lot* of people to get this title! I deserve to be called such. ANDERSON: Well then, mind if I ask you your name? A

LUCARD: Only if you give yours first, *papist*. ANDERSON: Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's--! WALTER: Alexander Anderson. INTEGRA: Oh, fuck all kinds of duck...! ANDERSON: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world! You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later. Except you won't... 'cuz I'll have killed ya! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...! ALUCARD: Oh my! Brilliant speech. And unoriginal. That's totally from "Boondock Saints". ANDERSON: What? No it

isn't. I came up with it a week ago! ALUCARD: Whatever. We're here for the vampire. ANDERSON: The only one left here is your sorry pale arse. SERAS: (Choking) ALUCARD: Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute. So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least 10 kilometers away. ANDERSON: It is your corrupt acclaim! It is your *evil* that will be sought by me with every breath! ALUCARD: Boondock... Saints! Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously! (Chuckles) Get it? ANDERSON: Okay

, you know what? Fuck it. Knife. ALUCARD: "Knife"? Huuaah...! SERAS: Master! ALUCARD: Boom. Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Count Choc--" [DECAPITATION!] SERAS: Master! ANDERSON: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber--" *Son of a Protestant whore*! Well, you know what time it is. SERAS: See? This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church. ALUCARD: 'Po

lice Girl... Poliiice Girl...' 'You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooobs.' SERAS: Now I'm all alone... the only one I had left was you. ALUCARD: 'Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is put me between your legs!' {SQUELCH} 'Goddammit!' ANDERSON: It's a shame for you lost your head A careless vampire who wound up dead You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize Too many lies... Too many lies... SERAS: 'What do I do?' 'What do I do!?' 'I... I could try se

ducing him.' 'Wait no, I'm not an 8 year old boy! SHIT!' ANDERSON: Say your prayers, wee lass! INTEGRA: That girl belongs to me. ANDERSON: Well, aren't you the naughty one! INTEGRA: Don't make me shoot you in the *fucking* head! ANDERSON: What the hell do, you want you crazy Protestant bastard? INTEGRA: I'm a *woman*. ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard. INTEGRA: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement. ANDERSON: And what part would that be? INT

EGRA: The part where you're here... killing my men! [Anderson kills her men] ANDERSON: I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires, an' werewolves, an' leprechauns. I never actually found one, but do ya think if I cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?! INTEGRA: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?! ANDERSON: Oh him? I *killed* him! INTEGRA: Killed him? ANDERSON: Cut off his bloody head! INTEGRA: Oh! Well, that's step one. What abou

t two through ten? ANDERSON: Ah, Christ! [Epic choral music] [Epic choral music] ALUCARD: You done goofed. ANDERSON: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?? ALUCARD: Fuck you, that's how. ANDERSON: You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! ALUCARD: Eat me! Don't forget to write! SERAS: Oh... oh my God... We survived! ALUCARD: Sooo... INTEGRA: What? ALUCARD: Do I get to go after him? INTEGRA: No. ALUCARD: Aww, come on! INTEGRA: No, and that's fina

l! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group. ALUCARD: Like the Nazis? INTEGRA: That would be retarded. MAJOR: Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis... NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! MAJOR: Und we... will have war~ NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! MAJOR: Und ve... U-UND VE...! ATCHUUH! NAZIS: Gesundheit! Gesundheit! [(GER) Bless you! Bless you!] [Classical music plays in Hellsing property] [Beep] INTEGRA: Hello, Alucard. How

was your mission in Japan? ALUCARD: Eh. I'd say ninety-nine... point nine percent done. 'Sup, bitch? INTEGRA: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today. ALUCARD: Are they hookers? INTEGRA: No. ALUCARD: And like that you've lost me. INTEGRA: *They're our financial suppliers*. ALUCARD: Oh, man! They have to hate us! INTEGRA: They do. That's why they cancelled our budget. ALUCARD: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right? WALTER: Yes; very important. AL

UCARD: Thank you, Walter. WALTER: Of course, sir. INTEGRA: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... ...expensive claims. ALUCARD: Like what? INTEGRA: First off - property damage. ALUCARD: Good times. INTEGRA: Dozens of noise complaints. [Heavy metal playing loudly] ALUCARD [shouting]: Sorry! I can't hear you! INTEGRA: Killing at least a *dozen* innocent people. ALUCARD: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it! INTEGRA: *And*... ...all of the sexual harassment. ALUCA

RD: I'm not apologizing. INTEGRA: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but... ALUCARD: Buuut...? INTEGRA: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone! ALUCARD: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me. INTEGRA: Alucard... ALUCARD: I'm gonna go with nooo. INTEGRA: This is important and I don't need you causing another scene! ALUCARD: I don't have to take this! I'm going for a walk. INTEGRA: *No, you don't*! ALUCARD: Oh, what are you going to do?

Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist? INTEGRA: (Sigh) ...What do you want? ALUCARD: What~? INTEGRA: What... do I need to give you... ...to keep you down here for the evening? ALUCARD: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl. SERAS: But I already have a gun. ALUCARD: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons. INTEGRA: Anything else? ALUCARD: A 70-inch... ...plasma widescreen TV. INTEGRA: Really? ALUCARD: With Netflix. INTEGRA: Should it al

so be 3-D? ALUCARD: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it! [♫ Andrew WK - "Party Party Party" ♫] ♫ I wanna have a Party ♫ ♫ I need to have a Party ♫ ♫ You better have a Party ♫ ♫ O Party Party Party ♫ ♫ You gotta Party harty ♫ ♫ I'm gonna have a Party ♫ ♫ Or else you won't be sorry ♫ INTEGRA: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation. PENWOOD: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do. INTEGRA: N

ow before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen. ISLANDS: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses. PENWOOD: Most of them under the name... "Alucard"... INTEGRA [already stressed]: (Inhales) ...Continue. ISLANDS: For example - some of them were frankly labeled, "Entertainment". INTEGRA: "Entertainment"? OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Quite. Like in my report: £20,000 for a... "Candi". OLD ARSEHOLE #4: That's "Can

di" with an "i", by the way. INTEGRA: I see. ISLANDS: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it." INTEGRA: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen. PENWOOD: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about £95,000 INTEGRA: 'I would do fucking *anything* right now to get out of this.' PENWOOD [background]: in dam

ages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the-- JAN: And so half way through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin! LUKE: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you. JAN: I mean I still *finished*, but what kind of shit is that? LUKE: For God sakes, Jan. Think of mother! JAN: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now. GUARD: Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed. JAN: Aww, man! That totally *sucks*! And we came all the way out here with these foreign e

xchange students on a field trip through England. GUARD: Where from? [Cocking guns] JAN: Texas. [Snap] [Gunfire] Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools. LUKE: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion. JAN: Alrighty. Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all! ISLANDS: ...And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again. PENWOOD: That's funny; we weren't cu

tting the power just yet. INTEGRA: Oh, shit... [Dialtone] Front desk, report. What's going on? FRONT DESK CLERK: Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second. [Footsteps] Whoa. [Footsteps] Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely-- [Ghoul growls] [Ghoul growls] OH MY GOD--! [Squelch] [Dialtone] PENWOOD: Sir Integra, *do something*! INTEGRA: Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control. [Muffled explosion] PENWOOD: ...What was

that? INTEGRA: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. Communications, come in. We need a full report. COMMS: (Crying) JAN: Read the fuckin' paper. COMMS: (Crying) COMMS: "H-h-hey there... Integra..." JAN: READ IT FUCKIN' *RIGHT*, COCKHOLE! [Slap] JAN: READ IT FUCKIN' *RIGHT*, COCKHOLE! JAN: READ IT FUCKIN' *RIGHT*, COCKHOLE! COMMS: "*Hey there*..." COMMS: "*Hey there*... you..." COMMS: "*Hey there*... you... fat," CO

MMS: "*Hey there*... you... fat, English..." COMMS: "*Hey there*... you... fat, English... whore..." JAN: That's more like it. Now keep goin'. COMMS: "Me..." COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke," COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing..." COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men..." COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls..." "So..." "So... I-I..." "So... I-I... h-hope..." "So... I-I... h

-hope... you've made peace..." "So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself..." "So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when..." "So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you..." "So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna--" ...O-oh God! JAN: *Keep reading*, or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE! COMMS [sobbing]: "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've g

ooot...!" "And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck..." "Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood..." "Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...! JAN: You ain't finished yet! COMMS [sobbing]: "So prepare your dried-up pussy..." COMMS [sobbing]: "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...!" "Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out--" OH GOD

NO--!! [Bang] JAN: Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless! [Hangs up] [Dialtone] INTEGRA: Alucard, *get up here now*! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-- ALUCARD: Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, (grunts) - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imag

ine that. INTEGRA: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will--! ALUCARD: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of "Adventure Time" on Netflix. Byyye~ ["Adventure Time" intro on TV] ["Adventure Time" intro on TV] [Hangs up] INTEGRA: *Walter*! [Opera music] [Opera music] LUKE: Hello, Jan. JAN: So, how's my favorite big brother doin'? LUKE: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards. JAN: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... [Ghouls mun

ching] I'm winnin'. [Ghouls munching] LUKE: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it. JAN: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul! [Ghoul groaning, squelch] [Beep] LUKE: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. INTEG

RA: Alright. Walter and his assistant should be here any second now. PENWOOD: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to-- Ah! SERAS: Ah! Whoa! PENWOOD: Ah! WALTER: Talley-ho! INTEGRA: Good to see you, Walter. WALTER: Of course, sir. INTEGRA: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being... WALTER: Alucard? INTEGRA: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans? WALTER: Of cou

rse, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does... I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up. JAN: ♪ I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck ♪ ♪ I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck! ♪ ♪ Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck ♪ ♪ But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a--! ♪ ...Fuck was that?? WALTER: Hello. My name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... ...and

I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself. JAN: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, that garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? "How thick is it?" Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass. WALTER: Police Girl, if you may. SERAS: Bitches love cannons! JAN: Oh fuck, that's an an

ti-tank rifle... JAN: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH *FUCK*, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE! [BOOM] [Jake laughing] ALUCARD: That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. [Sharp inhale] So, how can I help you? LUKE: You must be the great Alucard. ALUCARD: 'Suup. LUKE: I've heard quite a lot about you. ALUCARD: Oh really? [Suspenseful music] [Suspenseful music] LUKE: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. [Suspenseful music] Beyond human. [Suspenseful music] A monster whose power

radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on *darkness itself*! ALUCARD: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft! LUKE: Ex...cuse you? ALUCARD: Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's *sucking my dick*! LUKE: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine. ALUCARD: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am! LUKE: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here. ALUCARD: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitate

d, because this blonde little shit: * Strolled into my room * Strolled into my room * Destroyed my *70-inch plasma TV* * Strolled into my room * Destroyed my *70-inch plasma TV* * And is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father! [Guns cocking] Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you? [Gunshot] JAN: (Grunts) SERAS: Arm bars everywhere! JAN: Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch! WALTER: That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold? SERAS: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a *pol

ice girl* or something! WALTER: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you. JAN: Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-- AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole! WALTER: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know. JAN: Alright, alright. What you do... is: * You go down to the local pharmacy * You go down to the local pharmacy * Ask for something called "Viagra" * You g

o down to the local pharmacy * Ask for something called "Viagra" * And it'll help ya * You go down to the local pharmacy * Ask for something called "Viagra" * And it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF! WALTER: (Grunts) (Gasps) SERAS: (Grunts) JAN: And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch! WALTER: I've got your arm! JA

N: So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha! [Guns cocking] ...Well that's not fair at all. INTEGRA: I'm sorry. *We don't give a fuck*. JAN: Fuck! (ad finitum) Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! (ad finitum) (Grunting in pain) Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go?? WALTER: Oh, they've been dealt with. [♫ "Dragula" ♫] ♫ Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam in the back of my ♫ ♫ DRAGULA! ♫ JAN: Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner. INTEGRA: *All

right*, *shit-for-brains*, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick *like a banana*! JAN: (Giggles), I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did. AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS...! ...*Naaziiiss*...! INTEGRA: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas? WALTER: I heard Miami Heat.

SERAS: I herd the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing. INTEGRA: Wait a second... where's the big brother? LUKE: You can't touch me! I was hand crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival... ...nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a *demigod*! ALUCARD: Really? ...Really? LUKE: Really. ALUCARD: Really!? LUKE: Really! ALUCARD: REALLY?! LUKE: REALLY! [Eerie sounds] ALUCARD: Release restraint level one. LUKE: Level what? [Terrifying music] Agh! Agh! Fuck! DEMONIC!ALUCARD: Yo

u know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT! LUKE: Aaaaggh! I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I-- ...*Aaawwwwwwwww* ...*Aaawwwwwwwww fuck*. D!ALUCARD: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off! LUKE: But I... You...! *What the fuck*?! D!ALUCARD: What's wrong, "demigod"? Just grow back your legs! [Crushes leg] Summon up your demons! HIT

ME! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug! [Music ends abruptly] LUKE: ...Really? [Music ends abruptly] Oh God no--!! LUKE: (Dying while being torn to shreds) D!ALUCARD: Hey, we're here on "Epic Meal Time"! (Dying while being torn to shreds) I'm the Sauce Boss! And tonight, (Dying while being torn to shreds) we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod bitch! PENWOOD: Who... is that exactly? INTEGRA: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself.

Oh, so what was that issue about funding? PENWOOD: Issue? ISLANDS: What issue? PENWOOD: I don't see an issue. OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Shut up and take our money! ALUCARD: Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end. INTEGRA: Yes, everything turned out just fine... ...except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage. SERAS: What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything? ALUCARD: That reminds me - for whateve

r reason, did we ever find out who sent them? ...It was the Nazis, wasn't it? INTEGRA: No. ALUCARD: Bet you I'm right. INTEGRA: Bet you you're wrong. ALUCARD: Bet you you're a *skank*. INTEGRA: Bet you you're an *asshole*! ALUCARD: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!! VAN HELSING: Vampire king... ALUCARD: (Groaning) VAN HELSING: You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered... dominions in ruin... servants destroyed - all to end ze hellfire wis which you sought to cover ze world. A bl

oody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over 20,000 impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! Vhat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?! WHAT SAY YOU *NOW*?! ALUCARD: ...The Aristocrats. VAN HELSING: Durgh! ALUCARD: (Wakes up) Oh God... It's orientation day! INTEGRA: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organization. As

you've heard, we deal with special interest targets... Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... (titters)... a mystical persuasion. WILD GEESE: (Laughing) BERNADOTTE: Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility? INTEGRA: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing. ALUCARD: HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY?! WILD GEESE: (Screaming) [♫ Andrew W.K. - "Party Party Party" ♫] ♫ O Party Party Party ♫ ♫ I wanna have a P

arty ♫ ♫ I need to have a Party ♫ ♫ You better have a Party ♫ ♫ O Party Party Party ♫ ♫ You gotta Party harty ♫ ♫ I'm gonna have a Party ♫ ♫ Or else you won't be sorry ♫ WILD GEESE: (Still screaming) INTEGRA: STOP SCREAMING! WILD GEESE: (Still screaming) WILD GEESE: (Whimpering like dogs) ALUCARD: So what's up with the pride meeting? INTEGRA: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'-- ALUCARD: Wait... are these guys French? INTEGRA: We w

ere forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied. ALUCARD: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. WALTER: Sir Integra, I apologize; I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French - no offense - BERNADOTTE: Some taken. WALTER: "Fuck the police". He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here. ALUCARD: (Maniacal laughter) INTEGRA: (Sigh), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me

such a headache now. ALUCARD: (Maniacal laughter) INTEGRA: (Sigh), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now. WALTER: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail. INTEGRA: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, *arrogant*, *Italian PIECE OF SH--*! Maxwell, oh it's been far too long. MAXWELL: I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know. Look at all those lines on your face. INTEGRA: And look at all the brown on your nose.

How *is* the Pope doing? MAXWELL: Better than your failing church. INTEGRA: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals. MAXWELL: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch! ALUCARD: Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the 9 year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to s

pread the word of God... Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... all over his back. [Glass breaks] MAXWELL: ANDERSON!! ANDERSON: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling. ALUCARD: You got me a present?! ANDERSON: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way... when his wrath is kindled but a little! ALUCARD: (Insane giggles) ANDERSON: (Insane giggles) SERAS: Right this way, group B! That's right! Right'n front'a everyone else! You're

80! You're used to it. We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art. I don't know! I'm Cockney! I'm uncultured! ALUCARD: Uhh. Welp, my boner's gone. ANDERSON: Aye. Kind of a mood killer. ALUCARD: Wanna try this again some other time? ANDERSON: Of course! Kill you later, ya monstrous heathen. ALUCARD: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology! MAXWELL [disturbed]: You want some coffee? INTEGRA [disturbed]: (Phew) I'd love some. So... the letter you sent never sp

ecified the purpose of this meeting. MAXWELL: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you. INTEGRA: And what would those be? MAXWELL: The true identity of Millennium. INTEGRA: Who? MAXWELL: The organization who assailed your compound. INTEGRA: Oh yeah; there was some debate over that. MAXWELL: And the whereabouts of said Millennium. INTEGRA: And what could you possibly want in exchange? MAXWELL: Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies

from you and your subordinate known as "TheCrimsonFuckr"! Also known as Alucard. INTEGRA: ...So you want an apology from me. MAXWELL: I figured, but didn't want to assume. INTEGRA: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for? MAXWELL: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, scum-sucking, blaspheming, scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant

pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern. INTEGRA: What did he do *this* time? MAXWELL: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 400 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as such: [♫ "Symphony No. 40 in G minor" ♫] (Clears throat)... "Dear Chief Replacement..." ALUCARD: (Continues reading letter) MAXWELL: "Sincerely, Alucard". INTEGRA: ...I can't help but ponder the

frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job. MAXWELL: Soo... that apology~? INTEGRA: (Sigh)... I'm sor-- So that's where they are. WALTER: Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go? INTEGRA: Not as long as it's an order. WALTER: I think I have an idea... Did you know you have vacation days? ALUCARD: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and *not* get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't

like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward. WALTER: Quite. ALUCARD: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling! WALTER: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... WALTER: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you *never* visit Brazil. ALUCARD: Takin'-the-police-girl-and-the-Frenchman. [Jet engines] BERNADOTTE: So where is the police girl? ALUCARD: Oh you know, she's downstairs. BERNADOTTE: Isn't that the cargo hold? SERAS

[weeping]: I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight place-heess...! ALUCARD: Jesus wants a hug! HOTEL CLERK: There we are - a regular two bedroom. ALUCARD: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse. HOTEL CLERK: I'm... sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved. ALUCARD [echoes]: I said... [normal] you want to give me the penthouse. HOTEL CLERK: I... want to give you the penthouse. ALUCARD: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole. HOTEL CLERK: And I want to k

ick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole. ALUCARD: See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want. "White Chicks" was amazing. HOTEL CLERK: "White Chicks" was amazing! ALUCARD: He believes it too! BERNADOTTE: Eugh! SPY: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat: TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time! BERNADOTTE: So, if zis doesn't sound weird... Would you... maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club? ALUCA

RD: You're not my friend, you're my body guard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood. BERNADOTTE: Jeez, fine! ALUCARD: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me; it's creepy! SPY: Shit-shit-shit! ALUCARD: Now that I'm all by myself... I can just kick back and reeeela-- [Sirens and shouting] REPORTER: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor. BERNADOTTE: What? REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear th

e worst. [Sirens and shouting] REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst. REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, ANDERSON: Ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha. REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, REPORTER: and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker. INTEGRA: On the phone. INTEGRA: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! INTEGRA: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! I-want-him-on-the-phone-RIGH

T-NOW! [♫ I'm a bitch! I'm a bitch! ... ♫] [♫ I'm a bitch! I'm a bitch! ... ♫] ALUCARD: Hold on a minute, I gotta take this. [Beep] [cheery] Yello? INTEGRA [frustrated]: What. Did you do? ALUCARD: Alright. But you can't be mad at me. INTEGRA: *What*. *Did you do*? ALUCARD: Okay, *first*... I was *minding my own business*. INTEGRA: BULLSHIT! ALUCARD: I *waaas*! INTEGRA: And exactly *what* happened whilst you were "minding your own business"? ALUCARD: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a ba

ller, then all of a sudden these shmucks kicked in my door! One of them yelled out: SWAT GUY: Get on your knees! ALUCARD: And I responded with: I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! ...And they took exception to that. SWAT GUY: Aaargh! [Gunfire, flesh tearing] [Gunfire, flesh tearing] ALUCARD: But you know how that song and dance goes... SWAT GUY: Huh? ALUCARD: ...Aaand I killed all but one of them. INTEGRA: What happened to the last one? SUICIDE SWAT: (Whimpering in fear) [Gunshot] ALUCARD: Pussed ou

t like a *bitch*! Silver lining - I can cancel my room service! [Sirens and shouting] OFFICER: So, we've sent like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright? DANDY MAN: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine. OFFICER: Well... no matter what we're still going to get our immortality, right? DANDY MAN: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way... you may want to send more men. OFFICER: Well, th

at sounds reasonable. [Chewing] ALUCARD [mouth full]: You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes. [Chewing] Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it? INTEGRA: Alucard... put the police girl on the phone. ALUCARD: Really? You want to talk to-- ...Okay, bye. Whatever. [muffled] Take the fucking call. SERAS [muffled]: What does she want? ALUCARD [muffled]: I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. SERAS: 'Ello? INTEGRA: Whatever you

do, do not let Alucard leave that room under any circumstance! SERAS: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk. INTEGRA: NOOO! [Epic piano] ALUCARD: Hey guys, how's your health plan? SWAT GUYS: (Trembling) SWAT GUYS: (Yelling) ALUCARD: APPARENTLY, IT'S GREAT! INTEGRA [in despair]: Walter... be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral? WALTER: Well... [Elevator noises] ...the Alucard amount. DANDY MAN: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known y

ou were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you. ALUCARD: Hold on... did you put all this on for me? Who are you? DANDY MAN: I am Tubalcain Alhambra, or the "Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality. ALUCARD: And they fuckin' bought that? DANDY MAN: Like discount peixe. ALUCARD [amused]: You cheeky dick-waffle! So then, what's the deal? DANDY MAN: A cute choice of words. I wish to play a c

ard game, vampiro. ALUCARD: What, we talking 52 Pickup? DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 CUTUP! ALUCARD: Hit mee~! Whoop! [People screaming] INTEGRA: Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! [People screaming] Well at least he's just dodging them. Oh come on, that was on purpose! DANDY MAN: (Chokes) ALUCARD: So, he can make card clones. DANDY MAN: You activated my trap card. [Snap] ALUCARD: Oh boy! [BOOM] DANDY MAN: (Chuckling) ALUCARD: Hey Dandy Dick! You missed! [C

artoon footsteps] Whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop! [General urgent chatter] OFFICER 2: Do you think Alhambra can take him? OFFICER: Calm down man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality. OFFICER 2: Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality! Huh--? POLICE: (Being killed) BERNADOTTE: One... two... three, four, five... [(FRA) Un... deux... trois, quatre, cinq...] GUARD: No, no no no no--! BERNADOTTE: One... two... three, four, five... [(

FRA) Un... deux... trois, quatre, cinq...] GUARD: (Being killed) BERNADOTTE: Six, seven... [(FRA) Six, sept...] ANOTHER GUARD: (Being killed) BERNADOTTE: Six, seven... [(FRA) Six, sept...] (Humming "La Marseillaise") [BOOM] SWAT GUYS: (Screaming) BERNADOTTE: (Exhales) ...Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me... ALUCARD: (Winces)... Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy's got magic cards... Guy's got magic cards... and magic h

ands. DANDY MAN: Tell me, Alucard - are you a betting man? ALUCARD: I believe that's your shtick. DANDY MAN: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand. ALUCARD: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! Oh, shame for you... D!ALUCARD: You activated my Alu-card. DANDY MAN: What? [Bang] (Grunts) What the shit? [(POR) Que merda?] SERAS: GET SOOOOOOME! DANDY MAN: Biiitch! [(POR) Putaaa!] SERAS: Drumpf this! DANDY MAN: I'm getting real tired o

f this shit! D!ALUCARD: You and me both. DANDY MAN: (Screaming) D!ALUCARD: Now show me your hand... DAAANDY MAAAAN! DANDY MAN: (Screaming in agony) (Whimpering) ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Man? DANDY MAN: Huh? ALUCARD: You lost. DANDY MAN: Uh-huh. ALUCARD: And now I have to read your mind... DANDY MAN: Huh? ALUCARD: ...by drinking all of your blood. DANDY MAN: (Whimper screaming) DANDY MAN: (Whimper screaming) ALUCARD: *Om nom nom nom*! [Psychedelic music] The fuck is this...? [Psychedelic music] [Psych

edelic music] ...The fuck is that...? [Psychedelic music] [Psychedelic music] ...The fuck are those? [Epic "Hellsing" choir] [Epic "Hellsing" choir] (Coming to terms with realizing he was proven right) [Epic "Hellsing" choir] (Laughing and clapping) [Epic "Hellsing" choir] SERAS: ...Master? [Music stops abruptly] ALUCARD: Hold on! I need to tweet about this. INTEGRA: (Sigh) WALTER: Sir Integra, is something the matter? INTEGRA: It's the *fucking*--! MAJOR: *Naziiiis*~! DOKTOR: I am so sorry, Maj

or, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man. MAJOR: Ah, give it a rest, Herr Doktor. He was a Brazilian DOG who died feeding a much *bigger* beast a valuable piece of information. DOKTOR: But Major, now that they know of our plans-- MAJOR: Ahh~, Herr Doktor~, but that *is* the plan. Now zat zey know our plan, zey will plan around our plan, and so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan that zey are planning around our plan! DOKTOR: Your brilliance knows no bounds! MAJOR: And regardless... We have one advant

age that zey sorely lack... ZEPPELINS! [Ominous music]