- This is me doing standup. - [Interviewer] You sure
it's not something else? - [JF] 14 inches, I'm
starting a new career. Yeah, this is really cool. - [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, JF Harris. - All right, all right, all
right, all right, all right. Florida, we are
doing it, what's up? I like that I got the
laugh on the Florida. There's usually like,
"Yes, Florida, very funny." I've actually been spending my pandemic down
here in Florida. I did my quarantine here,
which was pretty amazing 'c
ause 50% of the people in
Florida believe in COVID, and the other 50%
will have you spit in their mouth to prove
they're not gay, so. Shit was wild down here. People in Florida treated
COVID like it was a TV show on Netflix, they just
binged it last March and then just forgot about it. You'd be out and you'd
bring it up, like, "Oof, that COVID
show was crazy," and they'd be like, "Oh,
I didn't watch that one. I'm not into sci-fi, so." Yeah, they'd be like,
"I watched 'Tiger King,' though, that w
as pretty good." I wasn't planning on being
down here for the pandemic. What happened was I
came to visit my parents and then COVID happened
and now I'm retired, so. Yeah, it's going pretty great. I'm gonna buy some white
New Balances tomorrow. Yeah, I'm gonna get into
golf and racism next. All the Florida shit. What is it about
being 100 years old that makes you want to
have Velcro on your shoes and to be able to use
the N-word freely? I'm asking for my
dad's neighbor. Those walls are very thin
and I know he's not
listening to ODB, so. Yeah, he's into the clan,
just not the Wu Tang one. This dude has the
biggest Confederate flag I've ever seen in my life
hanging off his porch. It's insane, picture
car dealership big, now double it, right? I know, and I know
a lot of people say that that flag's
about the history, but that one, definitely
about the racism. I don't get the
Confederate flag. Maybe it's 'cause I
grew up in New York, but it just doesn't
make sense to me. Having a Confederat
e flag
is like having photos of your ex-girlfriend up
all over your apartment, and then inviting
your new girlfriend over to your apartment. And being like, "Oh, these? No, it's nothing weird, it's just about our
history together." Oh, what do I want
to do for fun? I was thinking maybe you could
dress up as my ex-girlfriend. We'd go back to
our old apartment, reenact fights we used to have. Yeah, for the history. What'd we fight about, slavery. What side was I on? Nevermind, I gotta go
get a tat
too removed. Don't worry who Dixie is. It's crazy, I'm
living in Florida. I'm crashing with my
parents right now, 38 years old, I'm
crashing with my parents. It's fucked up, this
was not the plan. Shit was going very well
before the pandemic for me. I got on TV twice last year, I got Judd Apatow's
email address. I'm sending them, he's not
answering, but don't worry. He's busy. And now I'm crashing with
my parents at 38 years old. The other day, my dad asked
me if I had brushed my teeth. I wanted
to be like,
"Motherfucker, I
got great pubes. What are we doing here?" Unless you start knocking,
you're gonna find out real soon. This dude is not knocking,
or he's knocking, but he's doing the knock as he opens the
door, it's bullshit. Yeah, I feel like my dad is
trying to catch me jerking off. 'Cause he didn't
catch me as a teenager and I feel like he thinks that's
something we missed out on. Did I brush my teeth? No, motherfucker, I'm
going to read my bicycle. Leave me alone. Yes, I have my
helmet, shut up. Oh, man, I'll tell you this. I didn't think I
was gonna be headed into my 40s masturbating
with headphones again, but here we are. Yeah. It's real. I got one Bose noise-canceling
headphone on one ear, I got one eye on the door. What are you guys clapping at? You know how hard
it is to catch a nut when you're in full panic mode? I'm just terrified my dad's
gonna come bursting in at any moment, like, "You got
a new 'Architectural Digest.'" People say all the time, too, "You're in
Florida, that
must be so relaxing." It's like, yeah, if your idea
of relaxing is my dad trying to catch me jerking off
every 20 minutes, sure. And it's not even
just the coming in. The other day, it's
seven in the morning, seven in the
morning, I'm asleep. I hear, thwack,
thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack. I'm like, "What the fuck,
are we getting invaded?" I roll over, my
dad's in my room, knee pads on, crowbar,
pulling up the flooring. I'm like, "Jimmy,
what are you doing?
" He's like, "Buddy, they're
coming to replace the rug, three weeks, we gotta get
this out of here right now." I can't even get mad at
him, you know what I mean, 'cause my dad just
has that dad brain. My dad has a dad brain,
he can't turn it off, and the fucked up part is, too,
now I have that brain, too. I'm just wired that way. That's the craziest
thing about living with your parents at this
age, you get to see the people who installed your
character defects. I'll just be sitting
there at dinn
er and I'll just be
like, "Oh, fuck, that's why I cry in the shower. That's it, right there." It's been insane. I'm living in an old folks'
community right now, I know. Or my mom will say, "This
isn't an old folks community. This is not a 55 plus
community," and that's true, 'cause there are three
other people right now who are living there
who are also crashing with their parents. And we see each other
every day on our walks and give each other
knowing looks, like, yeah, we fucked up, we should
n't
have followed our dreams. I should have took
that bus driver's test. I could be in a union right now. This is totally
true, before COVID, my dream was to have
my own television show. Now, it's just to be able to
pick my own television show. Did you guys know that
there are 376 shows that take place in Alaska, and my dad watches
every one of them? I've actually figured out how
I'm gonna get my own TV show. I'm just gonna move to Alaska. Yeah, and I'm gonna
tell jokes to bears and it's gonna b
e called
"Alaska's Got Talent." Oh, man, it's been wild, too. My parents got the 'rona
while I was down here. It was just crazy, yeah, I know. They're okay, they're
good, which is nice. You guys, okay, you're like, "I don't know, they sound
kind of shitty, dude." No, they were great,
that was my favorite part about my parents getting
COVID was that they were okay. Actually, my favorite part about my parents getting
COVID is the fact that I know I didn't
give my parents COVID. Yeah, yeah, it's li
ke
that same feeling as when you find out
your ex is pregnant and you know you're not the dad. You're like, "I didn't do
that, it wasn't me, I'm cool." Yeah, that is every
man's biggest fear, is that he's gonna
get his ex pregnant. For every man, no
relationship is actually over 'til 28 days after
that relationship. Yeah, for men, a relationship
is like a sentence. It's not over 'til the period. I got that same app on my phone. I'm not shocked my parents
got the 'rona, though, mostly 'cause of t
he fact that
my mom is way too friendly. My mom is the sweetest
woman on earth. My mom would open
mouth kiss a stranger if they asked her nicely. She'd be like, "They seemed
sad, they asked, I don't know." And old people in
Florida will walk up to you without a mask 'cause
they're all just ready to die. Yeah, they're like a
Biggie Smalls album. Yeah, they're hoping
for life after death. My parents were good
about the masks, though. I was really proud
of them for that. That was, some people
hated
the masks. I had no problem with
them, I'm a fan of science. I like that I can
free ball this face to the world now, though,
don't get me wrong. I was actually on a hike
a couple of months ago with one of my friends
and I was wearing my mask and he was giving
me shit about it. He was like, "Why are you
wearing that mask right now, dude, there's
nobody else around." And I was like,
"I wear this mask for the same reason
I wear a condom, 'cause I don't know who the
fuck was there before me." Yeah,
masks were like
condoms for your face. Whenever I saw a dude out in
public not rocking a mask, I just assumed his dick
was riddled with STDs. Yeah, I imagine that dick
looked like an old banana. Very spotty, a little
yellow, kind of crooked. Also, by the way, you know
that dude who's rocking a mask with his nose just
sticking over the top? That's the dude who asks, "Hey,
can I put in just the tip?" Also, by the way, men,
the tip is the worst part. That's where the
cum comes out of. Stop asking
to put that in. Yeah, ladies, if a dude says, "Hey, can I put
in just the tip," you'd be better off going,
"Hey, how about just the balls?" 'Cause that's where
they keep the cum, but nobody's getting pregnant,
you know what I mean? You'd be better off going
in soft and sideways, that's all I'm trying to say. My friend, too, was
giving me shit, too. He was like, "I feel like
you're wearing that mask 'cause you don't trust me." And I was like, "Yeah,
motherfucker, I don't." He was like, "That's fu
cked
up, why don't you trust me?" And I was like,
"Dude, you got herpes from a stripper in
Dallas in your 30s." If that shit
happened in your 20s, I understand, people
make mistakes. And he was like, "That's fucked
up, you know I was drunk." And I was like, "Motherfucker,
I was blacked out from 13 to 29 and
my dick still looks like it rolled off
the factory floor." That's not totally true. I got this one weird
scar on the bottom, but we don't have time
to get into that tonight. Yeah, just know I
was 13, I was wearing a
condom to the mall. I was trying to be
ready at all times. Yeah, there was a
manager of a Forever 21 I was very fond of, so
maybe today, maybe today. I actually had to move
twice during the pandemic. The first time I moved because my girlfriend
wanted a much nicer place. The second time I moved because my girlfriend did
not want me in that place. Yeah, I went through a little
bit of a COVID breakup. We did what's called a
conscious uncoupling. Do you guys know what that
is? Yeah, that's when you break up, but you still have six
months left on that lease. Yeah, and it's weird when
you live with your ex 'cause when you
live with your ex, you can't have sex, you can't
have sex with anyone else, and you can't leave
dishes in the sink, so by weird, I mean it's
exactly like still dating my ex. I should have seen
that shit coming, too, 'cause when we first
started dating, she said to me, "Hey, I think
we should write our names in all of our books
in case we break up."
Yeah, I'm not an
English professor, but I believe that's what
they call foreshadowing. And now I'm single for the
first time in a decade. It's crazy, 10 years, I haven't been single
in 10 years, it's- Thank you, thank you, I
appreciate it, thank you. It's wild, I was with
this woman for six years. Before that, I was married
for four and a half years. The last time I was
single, Barack Obama was in his first term as president, Tinder hadn't been invented yet, and people weren't openly
talking ab
out eating ass. Yeah, the times have changed. These 20-year-olds,
they're psychos. They're out there eating ass. I don't give a fuck,
I'm not doing it. Call me old-fashioned. I'll do anything
but eat your ass. Actually, that's
what I'm gonna write on my Tinder profile, "I'll
do anything but eat your ass." I'll cosign on a loan, I got
great credit, I got an A10. Yeah, I don't know if you
know shit about credit scores, but that's a fucking good one. I own a 2016 Toyota Prius, paid for it in cash
w
ith dick jokes. I own a car, I'm not eating
your asshole, fuck off. This is totally true,
this is totally true. 20-year-olds were actually
eating so much ass at the beginning
of the pandemic, New York State Governor
Andrew Cuomo had to send out an email telling them to
calm down on the eating ass. Do you know how much
ass you have to eat to get the government involved? I imagine it's ass by the
pounds, I do not know. It's funny, I mean,
20-year-olds, you're gross. Knock it off, it's disgusting.
I shouldn't talk shit, though, I was the grossest
20-year-old in the world. I think between the years
of, like, 2001 and 2011, I brushed my teeth three times. I know, I might as well
have been eating ass. My breath already
tasted like it. Also, 20-year-old men, Irish
Spring, that is not soap. That is the government
cheese of soap, knock it off. Get yourself something
with an oatmeal in it, something that exfoliates,
you're worth it. You know what, I'm
lying to you guys. I probably would have
ate
ass in my 20s. I probably would have 'cause I didn't have any
confidence in my 20s. I didn't really like
myself that much in my 20s. That's why I drank a lot
in my 20s, and alcohol, the reason was, alcohol
will give you confidence, and I know that for a
fact 'cause one time when I was drunk, I
invited a woman back to my apartment when I knew
I didn't have electricity. Yeah, she came, too,
or she didn't come, but she showed up and then left. You guys know what I mean. That's not even the
most em
barrassing thing I ever did in my 20s,
this is totally true, one time while I was having sex
with a woman, I said to her, "I can't believe you're
letting me do this right now." Yeah, I know, have you
ever seen someone realize they made a mistake while
you're inside of them? I know, I don't know what the
opposite of getting wet is, but I definitely did that for
her, so that was kind of cool. I got to feel like a magician. I was like, where once
there was a river, now there's a desert. I actually
said
"Ta-da" at the end. It was pretty fucked up. I feel bad for
people in their 20s 'cause 20s is the hardest
period in your life. Nobody tells you that. The 20s is the roughest
period in your life. Your 20s is like
a second puberty, but instead of getting
hair on your balls, you have to learn how to pay your own vision and
dental, it's bullshit. It's so hard. When you're in your 20s and
you go through a breakup, you're like, "Oh my
God, my life's over. I don't know what I'm gonna do." When you
're in your 30s and
you go through a breakup, you're like, "Oh my God, I
need a new fucking mattress." When I was in my 20s, I was
so poor and broke living in New York City, starting
out in standup comedy, my room was so small, I couldn't have a
regular-sized bed in there, I had to have a bunk bed. Yeah, try being 26
and picking up a woman with a bunk bed. She'd be like, "Hey, you want
to go back to your place?" And I'd have to be like, "Hey,
are you afraid of heights?" And you can't have crazy
wild sex in a bunk bed. That shit's not happening. There's only two positions, sideways and
disappointed, that's it. Yeah, if a girl
asks to get on top, that means I'm underneath
a bed, jerking off. I used to tell women, too,
that I had a loft bed, but then they thought
we were going back to make love in
my loft apartment, when the truth is, they were
about to get side fucked in what used to be
somebody's co-closet. Also, 20-year-old dudes in here, I want to give you
a piece of advice, 'cause I
had a hard time
with women in my 20s, and I want to tell you this 'cause I want a woman to fuck
you more than once, right? Yeah, 'cause here's the thing, if you're a 20-year-old
man and you're in here, there is a device
that you can buy that you can keep
in your bedroom that will greatly
increase the chances of a woman having an orgasm and it will greatly increase
your chances of her coming back to have sex with you again,
and it's a very simple device, you can get it anywhere,
and it's called a
bed frame. Yeah. You hear that? Those are some women who fucked some starving
artists, right there. Get yourself, get your fucking
mattress off the floor. No woman wants to
be fucking a dude whose mattress is on the floor. Look, and I'm not even
saying that shit needs to be West Elm, get
fucking four cinder blocks and a piece of plywood. Yeah, yeah. They'll be like, "He has goals. He has aspirations,
he has hopes." No woman wants to
be banging a dude and be reminded how close
she is to her bott
om. Both physically,
emotionally, and mentally. I'm not even trying to
fuck anybody right now. I'm sure, I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? In your 20s, you're
just trying to fuck. I'm in my, I don't care. I mean, I'm not available
right now, I'm not, and I'm not in a relationship
and I'm not single, what this is is happily alone,
that's what I am right now. Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. I know someone will
fuck me in my 30s, that's the difference. I know someone will fuck me
now '
cause I have skills. I bring shit to the table,
you know what I mean? I know how to roast
a whole chicken. Yeah, I own a Le Creuset,
that's French cookware. Someone will fuck me. 20-year-old men, pick
up skills, buy spices. Spices are the things
that go in cabinets. Cabinets are what I used to put empty Jack Daniels
bottles on top of. Yeah, 'cause I thought
that was art in my 20s. I was like, "Look at
all I've accomplished." But now, I'm not trying to
fuck any of these people. I could give a shi
t
'cause here's the thing. I like me now, I didn't
like me in my 20s. So now, if you want to fuck me, you gotta be cool, you gotta
bring shit to the table. If you want to fuck me,
you gotta have a 401K. Yeah, true, 'cause one
of us is gonna need it. And also, by the way,
I don't need anyone to fuck me now
'cause I can fuck me. Yeah, yeah, and after I fuck me, I'm gonna watch the
movie I want to watch. Yeah, I'm never watching
"Gilmore Girls" again. That shit's over. I don't give a fuck
what's ha
ppening in Stars Hollow right now. I don't know what
it is about my dick, but apparently it pairs very
well with "Gilmore Girls." If my dick was on Netflix,
Netflix would be like, "You also might like
the 'Gilmore Girls.'" I don't want to
make it sound like I'm anti-relationship, though. I love relationships, I think
relationships are amazing. The last relationship I
was in was incredible. The woman was great,
I learned so much during that relationship,
and I grew a lot during it, and by that, I
mean
I got fat as fuck. I got so fat in
that relationship, but I feel like
that's nature's way of telling you you're in
love, you know what I mean? Nature's like,
"Ice cream, donuts, you're not going
anywhere, buddy." Have you ever seen
one of your friends after they start
dating somebody new and you see them coming and
you're like, "Oh, shit." And they're like,
"Dude, Stephanie's
amazing, I'm in love." And you're like, "I can tell. You're rocking a
2X right now, so." I didn't know diabetes
was
a side effect of love. Happy for your heart,
worried for your toes. My whole goal
after my breakup is I just wanted to become
an internet thirst trap. You literally covered your
mouth on that, it was great. I know, thank you. And so far, I've lost
37 pounds since the, thank you. And so far, and so far, after shows, two women
have slid into my DMs. Thank you. Thank you, I have
not responded yet. I'm just way too nervous, not that I think
the sex will be bad. I'm just afraid we'll
pop my blow up
mattress. There's actually a term
for when you have sex on a blow up mattress,
it's called dry docking. Yeah, it's not 'cause
you're having sex outside of a pool, it's just
'cause no woman can get wet while getting fucked on
top of a flotation device. Should I have said WAP? Do you think that would
have been funnier there if I said WAP? Okay, everyone knows what
WAP is, or WOP, depending on, yeah, yeah, I
guess, yeah, I mean, if Bernie Sanders
know who Cardi B is, everyone's gonna know
who Cardi
B is, right? If Bernie Sanders is
at home with a mitten, stirring a pot of
macaroni, like, "Yeah, it does kind of
sound like pussy, so." After the breakup, I decided
I was gonna come here to Florida to see my
parents, stay with my folks, and I was worried about corona, so I was like, I'm gonna
camp the whole way. That's what I'm gonna do, I'm
just not gonna stay in hotels. And I don't know if you guys
can tell from my vibe so far, I'm not much of a camping guy. I don't know shit about camping,
and, okay, so how
do I get into this? So I had to take a shit in a
garbage bag in the woods, okay? And I was in
Albuquerque, New Mexico, very windy state, not the state to be shitting in a
garbage bag in the woods. Gale force winds in
Albuquerque, New Mexico. I picked a place
called Pack Out, which literally means you have
to take your shit with you, which I didn't know,
and I was talking to my manly camper
friend about it and he was like, "Well,
what technique did you use?" And I was like, "Tec
hnique, I
shat into a bag in the woods." And he was like,
"Yeah, but you went through the legs, right?" And I was like, "Oh,
no, I went full skier." And he was like, "Full skier?" I was like, "Yeah, full skier." You know when they're
taking off at the Olympics? That was me and I was
going for the bronze. And here's the thing,
I opened my car door to try to block the wind, but
wind can go under car doors, lifting garbage bags,
basically making me look like a giant beaver
shitting in the woods. Le
t's put it this way, I've now officially
been camping zero times I've shit on my hand once, so. And it's weird when you shit
on your hands in the woods. I imagine it's a lot like when you bury a
body in the woods. There's a lot of
Wet Wipes involved and you hope no one
ever finds out about it. Yeah, I got hotels the
next two nights, too, 'cause I would rather get COVID
than shit on my hands again. It's wild, me and the ex, we
were fucking serious, man. We were talking about whether or not we wan
ted to get married. Uh, clearly not. What happened was her
little four-year-old niece just walked up to
me in Disneyland in front of her
whole entire family and just went, "Why
won't you marry my aunt?" I know, it was like, "Hey,
kid, shut the fuck up." I didn't actually say that, I
love her, she's the greatest. But I couldn't
tell her the truth. I couldn't be like, "Well,
your aunt's been married before and she's still working
through some shit spiritually, so pretty much it's on
her at this po
int, so." The truth, it was scary 'cause we had both
been married before, so we both knew how hard it was and we both knew how much
a fucking wedding cost. This is totally true,
average cost of a wedding in New York City where I'm
originally from, $60,000. Yeah, you guys know
$60,000, right? The amount of money
I made in my 20s, if we round up by $37,000? $60,000, this is why I
feel like young people shouldn't be allowed
to get married, or not that young people
shouldn't be allowed to get marrie
d, but you should
have to be married five years before you can throw
yourself a wedding, 'cause young people don't
know what to do with money. Young people are
like, "We'll be fine." Old people are like,
"No, you won't." If you ask any older
couple who's been married for more than five years if they were throwing
themselves a wedding, "Hey, do you want to spend
$10,000 on appetizers," they'd be like, "You
can go to hell." 'Cause the older couples know, nobody gives a shit about the
appetizers at
your wedding. People only care about
one thing at a wedding, and it's not your love,
it's the open bar. You could have six kegs of beer and some Totino's Pizza Rolls and people would still be like, "This is a pretty good wedding." I also feel like you
should have to go on your honeymoon
before you get married. That's something I believe, I think you should have
to go on your honeymoon. Some people say to live
together before you get married, I think honeymoon 'cause if
you can't get along in Ha
waii, you're sure as shit not
gonna make it in Cleveland. And also, by the way, no
more destination weddings. I'm out, I'm done, I'm
not renewing my passport to watch you make a mistake. And also, by the way, if you
do have a destination wedding and you get divorced in
the first five years, we're all getting refunds now. And you're flying
us to your divorce and you're having it
somewhere fun, like Acapulco. My idiot Guido cousin, yeah, and I say Guido in
the meanest way possible, and if you don'
t
know what a Guido is, it's just a dude who's covered in hundreds of tattoos
of Jesus bleeding. I'd be like, "Hey, Sal, what's the last
religious thing you did?" And he would be like, "What
are you talking about? I just gave up
fingering for Lent." All right, peace
be with you, buddy. Patron saint of
meatballs, that guy. On his "Scarface" wedding,
he spent $180,000. Yeah, 180,000, $180,000 so his bride could feel
like a princess for the day, when for $180,000, she could have became the
actual q
ueen of Detroit. Very cheap property there. $180,000, and I
don't even remember that much about that
wedding, isn't that crazy? I remember two things, there
were giant marble staircases she had to walk down
before we could eat, and there were piles of
cheese stacked up like blow. So much cheese, if anyone
ate all this cheese, they wouldn't shit
for three years. Isn't that crazy? I went to a wedding that cost
as much as seven Kia Souls. All I remember, stairs,
cheese, that's it. That's fucked up.
That's not, they spent
$180,000 on a wedding, only thing they
had to show for it at the end of that
wedding was a photo album of them spending $180,000. Once again, this is why I feel like young people
shouldn't be allowed to get married, 'cause if
that was any older couple, if you gave any older
couple the option between, you could have a photo
album to remember this day for the rest of your life or you could afford a
stackable washer and dryer, yeah, there's not an old
couple who isn't like,
"Give me the fucking
Whirlpool, baby." A mother of three would
kick her own pastor in the pussy for
in-unit laundry. But young people are like,
"No, we need that photo album. We need to remember this day
for the rest of our lives." Bullshit, I've been
married, I'm divorced. I've got one of
those photo albums, I'm not doing shit with it. But I know what I'm
gonna do with it. I'm gonna Photoshop my
new girlfriend's face on top of my ex-wife's face. Yeah, and then when
I propose to her, I'm gonna g
ive her
that photo album and be like, "Hey, I just
saved us $10,000, so." I got divorced for the main
reason most people got divorced, I picked wrong. Yeah, I went with
opposites attract. Yeah, opposites also fuck a
bartender named Craig, so. Oh, do you guys
think I fucked Craig? I didn't fuck Craig,
I could have, though. Don't get weird about it. I like to think of Craig's
dick as like the iceberg on the Titanic, it
got me off the ship. Also, by the way,
if you're in here and you're in your 20s
and you're thinking about getting married right
now, don't fucking do it. Statistically, people
get married in their 20s versus people who wait 'til
their 30s don't make it. Let's put it this way, if
you bought an unframed poster in the past decade, you're
not ready to be married. You're not responsible enough to be part of a joint
checking account. This is totally true,
on my honeymoon, I bought a Nirvana T-shirt, I
could have just told you that and you would have
been like, "Divorced." Also,
by the way,
if you're in here in your 20s right now
and you're thinking about getting a tattoo,
don't fucking do it. Your tastes, much
like the person you're here with
now, gonna change. When I was in my 20s, I wanted to get a Dave
Matthews Band tattoo. Yeah, now as an adult, I know I don't like
Dave Matthews Band, I just like being drunk outside. That's not totally true. I mean, I loved
being drunk outside, but I just celebrated eight
years sober, which is crazy. Thanks, thank you. Thanks a bun
ch. It's funny, sometimes
I'll tell people that and they'll be like, "But you
smoke weed though, right?" And I'm like, "Sober,"
and they're like, "Sweet." That's like a guy going
to a girl who's like, "I'm a virgin, I'm saving
myself for marriage," and the dude's like,
"So butt stuff, right?" I didn't quit
smoking weed, though, 'cause I had a
problem with weed, I quit smoking weed 'cause
I got tired of looking for my cellphone with the
flashlight on my cellphone. And it's fucking, and it's crazy
now
'cause weed is just legal in so many states
around the country. You can just walk into a store and buy weed over the
counter, it's nuts. When I was a kid, if
you wanted to buy weed, you had to go to a parking
lot or a substitute teacher. Yeah, you had to beep a guy. There was a protocol involved. I'm worried about these kids, they're not gonna
have life skills. And now there's all these
different kinds of weed. It's crazy, there's
indica, sativa, bubba kush, Northern Lights, it's nuts. When
I was a kid, there
was only two kinds of weed, there was dirt weed and there
was laced weed, that's it. You're either not getting high or getting way too fucking high. This is totally true, first
two times I smoked weed, nothing happened, third time
I smoked weed, it was PCP. I'm happy you enjoyed that,
miss, 'cause I did not. Has anyone here
ever been so high that they watch
cartoons for two hours and then realize the
television wasn't on? Yeah, it turns out Mitt Romney, not one of the
"Powerp
uff Girls." And here's the thing about
when you smoke angel dust, it's gonna last a lot longer
than you were planning. And you're 15 and
you got a curfew and you gotta be home real soon. You know who's gonna notice
that you're on PCP right away? Your mom, she's gonna
pick some shit up. And I don't know
what gave me away, the fact that I wasn't
wearing a T-shirt or it was December in
New York, but she knew. And as soon as I
walked in the door, my mom was like, "Are
you high right now?" And I was
like, "No,
I'm on Goldschläger." That's what I told
her, I just admitted to a completely different crime. That's how I know I can
never commit an actual crime, 'cause if a cop was ever like, "Have you been
drinking and driving?" I'd be like, "No, I murdered
a drifter, so good to go?" I'm good to go, thank you. And the craziest thing
to me too now is even though I'm sober, I travel
around, and it's crazy to me when I go to a state that
doesn't have legal weed 'cause it's always for
the most bulls
hit excuses. They're like, "Well,
what if the kids get it?" They'll get cooler taste
in music, they'll be fine. And people are like, "Yeah,
but it's a gateway drug," and I'm like, "Yeah, to
reggae, they'll be fine." By a round of applause, how many people have
smoked weed before? Yeah, my favorite are the
people who are high now 'cause they raised
their hand, present. Present, I'm here. Now, by a round of applause, how many people
have done heroin? Yeah, that's a pretty thin gate. Not one of us
managed
to shimmy through it. That's why I'm-
- [Audience Member] Gateway. - That's why I'm
scared to have kids. I'm scared to have kids
'cause I don't want to pass these shitty
Irish alcoholic genes down to my children. I don't want to just give
them these Irish genes of mild depression
and varicose veins. My biggest fear about
having kids, though, is I'm afraid that I'm gonna
have a girl, and more so, I'm afraid that I'm gonna
have a girl who looks like me. And I don't mean like the
little gir
l version of me. I mean now, currently, that's. 'Cause we've all seen that
girl who looks like her dad, and she looks like a
little 40-year-old plumber. And I don't want to do
that shit to my baby girl. Picture me in
pigtails and a dress. Yeah, no one's fucking
that kid, or not, oh, I didn't mean it like that. I meant no one's fucking
that 35-year-old adult. 35's weirder, I think, actually. What age do I want my
daughter to get fucked at? Oh, yeah. 17, yeah. 17, prom night, he got
a motel, some
candles. If you're fucking my baby,
you're spending some money. Yeah, Kevin from the baseball
team, with strong hands. Maybe a catcher, okay,
that one's too far. Look, I don't know what
the fuck I'm talking about. I've never talked about
this onstage before, I never will again, so. I know 35's too old, I don't
want my daughter walking around at 35, like, "One
day my prince will come and so will I." Yeah, and we've all seen
those people out in the world, running through a park,
yelling at pigeons
, like, "Get out of my
way, I have a doctorate." Speaking of the unfucked,
I got a good story I could add in here. Right before
everything shut down, I went to Vegas to see a
concert with all my friends. We went to go see
Elton John play the "Farewell Yellow Brick
Road" tour, unreal. He played for three
and a half hours. In that whole set, there
was one song I didn't know, and when that song
came on, I was like, "Perfect time to get a T-shirt." So I went down to get a T-shirt and they had that s
hit roped
off like Space Mountain, and I went to the wrong side, and I looked around
and no one was there. I was like, "Fuck it,
I'm going underneath." And the second I go underneath,
I just hear, "No, no!" Like I'm a puppy
shitting on a carpet. And I just look up and there's this red-faced
woman storming towards me, and I'm like, "Oh my
God, miss, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you, please
go right ahead of me." And she's like,
"You're goddamn right I'm gonna go ahead
of you, you jerk." My friend's
like,
"Why is he a jerk? He's letting you
go ahead of him." And she's like, "Shut
up, you shit head." Who gets that angry at
an Elton John concert? I'll tell you who, a lady who
hasn't cummed in 100 years. Yeah, and in that moment,
I just burst out laughing and she goes, "You know
what, go fuck yourself." And I was like, "You know
what, I did earlier today. That's probably why
I'm being pretty chill about this whole
thing right now." Maybe if you would have
went and fucked yourself, we wouldn't
be in this
situation right now. Yeah, we'd both be
back in our seats, listening to "Tiny Dancer." Maybe we need to get you a
pocket "Rocket Man" of love. How did I get on that story? Oh, I was talking about my
daughter no one would fuck. Okay, here we go. She'd have way too hard
of a life growing up. She'd show up for her
first day of school and they'd be like,
"What do you want to be when you grow
up, little girl?" And she'd be like, "Princess." And they'd be like, "Eh, how about heating
and c
ooling technician?" Women also just have it
way harder than dudes. That's why I'm scared
to have a daughter, 'cause women have to deal with way more fucking
bullshit than men do. Right now, they're trying
to ban abortion again. That shit's crazy to me. It's also never
gonna happen, though, mostly 'cause of the fact
that no millennials can afford to have kids, none of us. Yeah, you want to
know how I know that? Every millennial I know is still in their parents
phone family plan. Yeah, if you can'
t
afford T-Mobile, you
can't afford a baby. The only way millennials
could afford to have kids is if seven of us shared one
like an HBO Max password. Also, women have to deal
with the luxury tax. That's another bullshit thing
women have to deal with. It's an extra seven to
10% tax on top of pads, tampons, period
shit, it's bullshit. I said that in Cleveland
a couple of months ago, this dude in the front
row was like, "Good." And I was like, "I hope
a woman free bleeds all over the front seat
of
your Volvo." My DivaCup crew over here. I know my ex was afraid
to have kids, too. I know that 'cause
she said to me, "You'd better not
get me pregnant." I know, I know, and she
said it just like that, like we were two partners
in a buddy cop film who hadn't started
trusting each other yet. She was just like, "You'd
better not get me pregnant," and I panicked and I was like, "Well, you'd better
watch your back." Yeah, 'cause that's
where I'm gonna put it. You guys get the point. I'm just kidding
, she
would never let me do that. Very sexually progressive
and just hates a mess. Here's the thing. I don't want to get
anyone pregnant. I'd like to have kids one day, but those are two
totally different things. One of them involves
a birthing plan, and the other, the word, "Oops." When I have kids, I want to use words like
"excited" and "ecstatic." I don't want to
make the same sounds as if I just dropped some
red wine on a carpet, just like, "Oh, fuck. Oh, shit, I'm so sorry. I could totally
pay to
have that taken out." Oh, fuck you guys,
don't "aw" at that joke. Yeah. Yeah, applauding was
the right response. One in three women
have had an abortion, so right now if you're
here with your mom and your sister and your aunt, your is statistically making one of them very uncomfortable. Yeah, I'm a feminist. I am, I am, I'm a male feminist. Or not male feminist,
I got yelled at for that shit the other day. You're not supposed
to gender it. I don't know why I'm
smiling while saying that. T
his is totally true, one
time I played North Carolina, and I told a dude there
I was a male feminist, and I swear to God, I think he
thought I meant transgender. He was just like, "So which
bathroom do you pee in?" And I was like, "We can't
have a conversation." Just give me the
fucking Slurpee. Also, by the way, I couldn't
even get my ex pregnant. She had an IUD, my sperm is
not stronger than science. And also, for those
of you men in here who don't know what an IUD is, it's this little tiny cr
ossbow that her girlfriend puts inside. Yeah. That's exactly
what it looks like. It looks like you're trying to
hunt the Predator down there. Or she doesn't put it in there,
a doctor puts it in there. If she put it in there,
don't fuck that lady. If she got a Kmart do
it at home kind of kit, you don't bang that lady. You marry that
lady, she's thrifty. I wish they made an IUD
for dudes, I really do. I think that would be incredible if they made an IUD for men, but instead of stopping
dudes from
getting pregnant, it would just stop
us from sleeping with women we shouldn't
have kids with. Yeah, we could call it
something like "dignity." Self-respect, any of
these names would work. They better have a form
of male birth control by the time I have a son. Uh-uh, I'm not letting
that kid go free, swinging that dick in
the streets, no way. I know what kind of
stock my kid came from. I wish my parents would
have kept my dick in a box until I was 28 years old. Then at least I'd have
an associate
's degree. Yeah, now when I
fill out paperwork, I have to check "some college." I might as well write
in, "all alcoholism." I also just had my
first pregnancy scare when I was super young,
I was way too young. I was 13 years old. Yeah, I know, I don't look
like a guy who's fucking at 13. I look like a man who's
still saving himself for the Lord now. 13, that's way too young. You want to know how
I know it's too young? I showed up on roller
blades to find out about it. I got there and she was lik
e, "You're probably gonna want
to take those off for this." And here's the crazy part, too. When she told me, I
swear to God, I was like, "Well, I'm definitely losing
my allowance over this shit." By the way, I was not
planning on having sex at 13. I didn't think I was the
man, you know what I mean? What happened was my
parents were afraid I was already having sex,
so my mom put condoms in my top drawer and told
me, "They could be used on your wedding night, but
they're there if you need them."
I know, cool-ass mom. I told my girlfriend and she
was like, "We need them." I know, I know, and I was
like, "Thank you, Mommy." My favorite part of that, my favorite part
about that story, too, isn't even the fact
that I got to have sex. It means that there
was a day where my mom and my dad went
to a CVS together, walked down that condom aisle,
had to look at the 24 pack, the 12 pack, and the three pack, and they had to ask themselves, "How much do we
believe in this kid?" They went with the th
ree
pack, appropriate enough. They knew their baby
boy, but I was smart. I was smart. I was smart, I didn't
want my parents to know I was having sex, so I did my own little CVS
condom recon mission, right, and I go to that CVS and I
walk down that condom aisle and there's literally
hundreds of condoms, and I don't know
what to do, I'm 13. I'm looking at all these condoms and I don't want to get,
and all of a sudden, I see the ones that say Magnums, and I'm like, Magnums,
that sounds cool. So I p
ick up the Magnums
I go to take them up to the front, but I
get some other shit to camouflage them in
with, you know what I mean? I pick up my Flintstones
chewables, peanut M&M's, head up to the front and the
lady starts checking me out, and then she gets
to the Magnums. She looks at the
Magnums, looks at me, and she just goes, "Yeah,
these aren't for you." And she was right, she
was doing me a solid. I would have been tying
the other half off as a water balloon, so. They'd better have a
fucking
IUD for my son, that's all I'm saying. This is totally
true, I was on stage in Cleveland, Ohio, a
couple of months ago, and while I was on stage
talking about IUDs, this lady just yells out
from the back of the room, "They don't know where mine is." And I was like, "What?" And she's like, "Yeah, it's
just kind of lost inside of me." And I was like, "What
are you doing here?" And she was like, "The doctor said it'll
resurface," resurface? What is it, a fucking
Russian submarine? Was someone goin
g "Down
Periscope" on your puss and just knocked
that thing loose? Do we need to go on a "Hunt
for Red October" right now? That's not even the
craziest part of this story. After the show, I'm outside,
I'm meeting the audience, shaking hands, taking pictures, totally different woman comes
up to me and she was like, "Yeah, IUDs, they're crazy." And I was like, "Yeah?" And she was like,
"Yeah, every two weeks, you gotta get in there and you
gotta check for the strings." And I was like, "What?" And
she was like,
"Yeah, every two weeks, you gotta get in there and you
gotta check for the strings." And I was like, "I don't
have to do anything." Who raised these
people in Cleveland? My son's getting
that fucking IUD. I got fears about having kids. It's not even just
that, I'm also, I don't want to pass my
shitty genes down to my kids. I was born severely dyslexic and I was born with a form
of nerve damage in my hands that caused my hands to shake. It's the reason why
every Instagram video I'm
in looks like a boomerang. It's also the reason
why every conversation I've ever had with the
cops has ended with, "Yeah, I'm still gonna
have to look in the trunk." I love my shaking
hands now, though. Of all my disabilities,
shaking hands, definitely my favorite one. As a kid, I was super
embarrassed by it, it made me feel super weird. Now it's way more fun, and I'm not just
talking about sexually. Think about the
most boring thing in you guys' life, for example. Think about soup, for example.
For you guys, soup, very boring. For me, soup is like
an action movie. The people I'm sitting
at the table are like, "I don't know if
he's gonna make it." Spoiler alert, I never make it. I'm so dyslexic, too,
I'm super dyslexic. I'm so dyslexic, I'd
say after this show, go ahead and follow
me on Twitter if you hate spelling and
grammar and love puzzles. By the way, the guy who
came up with the name and spelling for
dyslexia, huge asshole. What's their problem, they
can't read or spell too well?
Let's throw a silent Y in there. Why, 'cause fuck them, it'll
be funny for the rest of us. As a dyslexic person,
texting is a nightmare. The only thing worse
than texting, sexting. Yeah, 'cause this is my job. I travel for a living. I'm normally on the road 40
weekends out of the year, and it's very hard
to keep it spicy with a woman you're
dating when she thinks you're constantly trying
to slide into her Virginia. But then talk-to-text came out, and that shit was a
game changer for me. But eve
n that would
have its hiccups 'cause I'd be like,
"Ooh, do you like that?" And Siri would be like,
"Yeah, not so much." And every time I'm
doing my talk to sex, like I said, I'm always
in some hotel room and there's always
a connecting door, and I'm always terrified
on the other side of that door is some
sweet family on vacation, and they hear me
doing my talk to sex, and Siri's always
fucking up the words, so you gotta keep
repeating myself. So I'm just in there, like,
"Panties, panties, pantie
s." No, why would I want to
wear her pastries, fuck off. We all have our things. I also have cerebral palsy. I normally don't talk about all of these topics back to back
'cause then it sounds like I'm trying to start myself
a fucking foundation. That's the crazy thing about
having all my disabilities, too, you couldn't
tell by looking at me. If I parked in a
handicap spot at a store and you saw me
walk into a Target, you'd be like, "I'm keying
this motherfucker's car." I would fall, break
a lot
of bones and shit like that
'cause of my CP. The worst thing,
the worst for me that ever really happened,
when I was in sixth grade, I had to have both my
legs put in walking casts to stretch my Achilles tendons
out, and to cheer me up, my parents said we
were gonna take a trip. Now, in your logical
12-year-old kid brain, when you hear "trip," where
do you think we're going? - [Audience Members] Disney. - Exactly, the Hooter's
on Staten Island. I don't know how you guys
all did that at once. Tha
t was fucking impressive. And here's the thing,
I'm 38 years old, I still wonder to
this day sometimes who pitched that idea,
my mom or my dad, 'cause think about that, what
was in that doctor's office, having my little fat
kid legs taped up to look like giant cannolis, one of them had to be
out in that waiting room, like, "Hey, wouldn't
it be funny, we take the boy,
see some boobies?" I use that voice 'cause
I hope it was my dad. And not my mom, just like, "Hey, you know what always
cheers you
up, boobies." And as soon as we
walk through the door of this Hooter's, my parents
lied to these waitresses and told them it's my birthday. Do you guys know what
they do at Hooter's when it's your birthday? They make you stand on
top of a plastic chair and you air jerk off
salt and pepper shakers while they sing you
"Happy Birthday." Yeah, I had to do that shit
in front of my mom and dad. And I was 12, it wasn't like
I didn't know what this was. It was the year
jerking off showed up, and it show
ed up in a big way. The two biggest thing that year in my room were masturbation
and Oasis's "Wonderwall." Yeah, it was a constant
"Champagne Supernova." My dad's a man's man,
too, my dad's a guy's guy. My dad's a New York
City firefighter and a blue collar Republican. I'm a New York City liberal
and I do this for a living. I know, it is funny. Sometimes I do think to
myself, is there any way you could be a
bigger disappointment to your New York City
firefighter father? Then I think, yeah,
gay t
errorist. Which, by the way, is what my dad calls
a yoga instructor, so. A very progressive man. I love my dad, I love
hanging out with my dad. The other problem
is, when we hang out, sometimes my dad's
guy guy friends come, and they're all like
the types of guys who would smack a chick
on the ass and be like, "Hey, what's a matter with me? What's the matter with
you, that's a compliment. You should smile more,
you got a pretty face." Gentlemen, gentlemen. And we were at this Yankees
game a coup
le of summers ago and this guy was like, "Hey,
what do you do for a living, pal, huh, what do you do? You make something with
your hands, what do you do?" And I was like, "Oh, I'm
never gonna tell you." And he was like, "Come
on, what do you do?" And my dad, the Judas,
sold me out immediately. He's like, "Oh, him,
he's a comedian." And they're like, "Oh,
you're a comedian? Tell us a joke,
funny guy, come on, Andrew Dice Clay,
tell us a joke." is like, "Oh, no." And that guy got
pissed, he was li
ke, "Sure, whatever, whatever,
you're a comedian. You're a comedian." Then he got up to get
everyone else beers, but right before he leaves,
he just leans in, taps me, and goes, "Oh, I'm sweating
like a Jew in an audit here." Yeah, and they all started
hysterical laughing. And then another one of
them taps me and goes, "Now, that's a comedian." No, it's not,
that's just a racist with good timing, that's it. Have you ever seen
one of those dudes who works out but
does no cardio, so he just looks
like someone
ripped the arms off a He-Man and put them on a
Mr. Potato Head? That was that dude,
mustache and all. And he kept, he kept bragging. He kept bragging the whole game about how he got laid
the night before, and he was like, "Last
night, I totally did it with this chick, and then she
left stuff in my apartment so she could come back
so we could do it again." And I was like, "Are you sure
it wasn't 'cause she was like, 'Oh, I gotta get the
fuck out of here'?" The fucked up part is,
thou
gh, is guys like that guy and guys like my dad
make the best dads, mostly 'cause of the fact
that their kids fear them. That's not gonna be the
case for my generation. None of our kids
are gonna fear us, mostly 'cause of
the fact that none of us are gonna work
the kinds of jobs you come home and
beat your kids from. Nobody comes home from a
hard day of graphic designing and beats their kid. You've never heard
anyone be like, "Oh, no, look out, Dad's
Photoshop crashed." My dad's idiot friend,
too
, is one of those dudes who rocks a popped collar, you ever seen one
of those gentlemen? Oof, yeah, by the
way, if you don't know what the popped collar means, basically what the
popped collar means is that guy is two Bud
Light Limes away from telling you what he really
thinks about Puerto Ricans. He's racist. That's not a popped collar as much as it is a reverse
Ku Klux Klan hoodie. And for some reason,
it's salmon, ugh. And this dude was like, "Dude, let me give you
a little bit of advice." An
d I was like, "Oh,
I totally want advice from a man who's
dressed like a dog that just got back from
the vet, what's up?" And he was like, "When
you date a chick, you gotta date a chick
who loves sports, a chick who loves sports,"
and his whole logic was, "It's like being with
one of the guys." It's like being with
one of the guys? I don't know, me personally,
anytime I'm fucking anybody, I want it to be like
none of the guys. You're never gonna hear me say, "Oh, wait until you meet
my new girlf
riend, Jessica. You'll totally love her. She'll totally
remind you of Greg." It's not gonna happen. I did one time go out on a date with a woman who loved sports, and it clearly went terrible
'cause I'm like this guy, you know what I mean? And about halfway
through the date, at one point, this
lady just turned to me, and to my face she just went, "They don't make men like
they used to anymore." Yeah, I know, to my face. But the fucked up part is, I
totally had to agree with her, 'cause if they d
id, I
would have had to hit her for having an opinion on men. To be very clear, that is a joke about how I don't hit women. My dad's idiot friend found
out I was getting divorced at the time, too,
and he was like, "Oh, bro, are you
getting divorced? You'd better be careful 'cause if you end
up getting divorced, she could get half
of your shit." And I was like, "Really, that
actually sounds pretty good 'cause right now she
already has all of my shit." I'd love to get
some of that back. Also, by t
he way,
when you're broke and you're going
through a divorce, it's not like you have a
lot of shit to split up. It's like, "Oh, do you
want this half-used spool of burnt CDs or this D battery?" Yeah, I let her
keep the D battery. This way she can put it in her
vibrator and go fuck herself. Thank you, that's my
favorite one, too. Also, by the way, none
of you ladies come up to me after the
show and be like, "Hey, just so you
know, vibrators don't
take D batteries. They take triple As,"
I know tha
t shit. Also, get yourself a
fucking rechargeable. You can cum and save the
environment at the same time. You plug that little USB end in to the end of your laptop
while you watch porn, kill two clits with one stone. This is totally true, before
me and my ex-wife got divorced, we didn't have sex
for a whole year. Yeah, I know, and we were
only married two years. Right before we got divorced,
I told her, I was like, "Hey, I think we should
move to Portland, Oregon." And what she said to me is, "O
h, you should go move to the
woods and go fuck yourself." Yeah, so not much
would have changed. I would have just
been in the woods. Then I met my new girlfriend and we started having
sex, lots of it. Yeah. Yeah, we started
having so much sex that after the first week,
she had to get a Monistat. Oh, fuck you guys, do
not make that noise. 50% of the people on
this planet have vaginas and 99% of the time they
get a yeast infection, it's 'cause of one
of those dirty dicks, so wash your goddamn
dick
s, gentlemen. Yeah, yeah, my situation was
more of a lube situation. Stay away from those
blue Trojan condoms with the Armor lube. Here's the thing about
Monistat, though. When you go to buy
a lady a Monistat, they duct tape that shit and they put a
security sensor on it. Yeah, here's the thing, if
somebody doesn't have the money to buy that, let them
fucking steal it. Yeah, if my dick was on fire
and you sold fire extinguishers and I didn't have
20 bucks to give you and you wouldn't let me use
it, you're a piece of shit. Yeah, fuck you, CVS,
that's what I'm trying to say with that joke. Yeah, thank you. My whole goal in comedy,
my whole goal in comedy is I just want to get
famous enough one day where I could start
my own foundation where outside of every CVS, I'm gonna have my own
kind of Redbox situation, but instead of movies,
it's just gonna be filled with Monistat and
cranberry pills. Yeah, and all that
shit's gonna be free. It's gonna be
called the Box Box. Yeah, we're not gonna
have pads in it, though, 'cause then every 28 days, we'd still have to
call it the Redbox. Here's the other
thing about Monistat, and I know you weren't expecting
this much Monistat stuff to come out of a man
in a Canadian tuxedo, but buckle up, here we go, baby. There's two different
one day Monistat. Why the fuck are there
two one day Monistats? It's in the name, one,
that should be it. There's an ovule and
there's a pre-loaded stick. I fucked up, I
bought the wrong one, and then I brought it
home and I showed it to my girlfriend at the
time and she was like, "Oh, I can't use this
'cause if I use it, it'll burn like the
wrath of Allah." Yeah, direct quote,
she's very funny. And I was like, "No
problem, I'm a man. I'll bring this shit back,
I don't give a fuck." But I forgot the bag
and the receipt at home, and as soon as I
walked through the door of that CVS, what do
you think happens? Yeah, that fucking
security censor went off, and I pulled a Monistat
out of my pocket and the secur
ity guard
looked at me like I just opened up a
vest of dynamite. He just looked down at
the floor and was like, "Do whatever the fuck you
gotta do and get out of here." So I went and got
pre-loaded stick and I took stick and
ovule up to the counter and I said to the lady, "I need
to exchange this for this," and she goes, "Oh,
fuck, yeah, no problem." She goes, "I just
need your receipt." And I go, "Oh my God, I
left it at home in the bag." And she goes, "Oh,
without a receipt, I can't help you,
CVS
policy," fuck CVS. And I panicked, I did the only
thing I could think to do, and I just leaned
over the counter and I put my hand on this
lady's hand and I said, "Lady, look, I know
you've got a heart, but you've also got a pussy, so let's make this
thing happen." Yeah, she let me do it. I exchanged stick for ovule, there was $1.00 price
difference, she put
it on a gift card for me and I bought some
Rollos, came home a hero. All right, thanks a lot,
guys, I've been JF Harris. ♪ Oh, my love,
come
carry me home ♪ ♪ Oh, my love, come
carry me home ♪ ♪ I'm saying, oh my God ♪ Oh my Lord ♪ Oh my God, oh my Lord ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Gotten too weak
for this heavy load ♪ ♪ I carry a glad
song wherever I go ♪ ♪ Singing oh my
God, oh my Lord ♪ ♪ Oh my God, oh my Lord ♪ Oh, oh, oh
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